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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hi , basically my story is abit long ! 3 months ago my ex left

Customer Question

Hi , basically my story is abit long ! 3 months ago my ex left me for his ex girlfriend ! whom he wasnt with for 3 years ! he was always honest with me adn told me he was still inlove with her ! she was the one that always left him ...

when she saw us getting serious she decided to want him back ... so e broke up with me , i spent 2 weeks sad but then i got over it !!!

As soon as i got over it i get my first email from him that he hasnt spoken to me in ages and it feels so weird and he cannot get me out of his head, he also sent me another msg the week after saying he didnt realise what he lost and he made a big mistake letting me go ..

Then 2 weeks ago i get an email asking if i would ever get back with him and if i have feelings and so on , so i told him its best to meet face to face \ He did meet me said he is not happy in his relatoinship and he had somthing better with me .... i said i dont know if i will get back but i still have feelings for you , i said it will take a while but he has to first break up with his gf as its not right on her and its not right also for himself ! also i said i cannot trust u if ur doing these things and msging me !

3 days passed and i asked him if he broke up and he said not totally but we spoke about it and not sure if were gona remain together!!

2 days after that i get a msg from him saying that he told his gf everything he didnt mean what he said and he is going to make it work with her ! he even deleted me from facebook ! i know this guy well he would have never met me and sent me those things if he didnt mean it !

I cannot understand what happneed i am going crazy thinking why , what , before when he left me i just got it he was inlove with her ! but now i cannot get why he would do such a thing !!!
please help :(

I am so hurt and so confused as
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

It is not easy to forget someone that you have feelings for, not for you and not for most other people, but everyone does it. Everyone gets over a lost love.

The best way to do this is to reassess exactly who this man is:

  • he wants to have his cake and eat it too
  • he has absolutely no regards XXXXX XXXXX feelings; he is incapable of fidelity and friendship whether this other woman exists or not
  • he is easily manipulated and will NEVER be a sure thing
  • he never wants to be alone and so he always wants somebody waiting in the wings as a backup. Unfortunately you had that role until his girlfriend closed you down. He cannot even think for himself or act like a man
  • you are quite fortunate that you are out of this relationship. It would always be uncertain, and have its ups and downs, and probably would have broken up sooner or later. Lucky for you it is sooner
  • Imagine if you had married him and had children? This would have become a terrible disaster.
  • he has shown his true colors and you could never expect more from him; the shell that you loved was defective inside. It is better to know this now
  • your friends are right. Forget him.

He has deleted you from his life, and you must go through the grieiving process, as if you had lost a loved one to death. Let me describe the stages of grief so that you will know what you have to go through before you are better.

1. Shock and Denial - reacting with numbing disbelief, feeling disoriented, possibly guilty about what you did or could have done to prevent it. If you know this person is lost, your denial, in the form of trying to act normally by contacting the person from whom you are separated, you might want to contact the person. This is your way of protecting yourself from the full force of sorry that you feel which could overwhelm you. This is your circuit breaker, but it is probably in vain. Fortunately, you are not self-medicating with alcohol or drugs.

2. Pain and Guilt- as the shock begins to wear off, a period of great pain and sadness will follow and it will include remorse about things that you imagined you did. Life will feel chaotic and perhaps a bit frightening, but you must endure it and feel the full force of the pain. Contacting the person (in vain) is just a way of avoiding the pain, but you are not letting yourself go through the healing process of grief if you are still thinking this way.

3. Anger and Bargaining - you may lash out others (friends and family) and blame them, or lash out at your former friend for their weakness or unfaithfulness or lack of character, because you need to find an outlet for your pent-up emotions. You may be angry at "fate" or the higher powers.

4. Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness - Others might think that it is time for you to "come around" and get on with your life, but you may continue to feel despair, and reflect on the past and what might have been.You might even withdraw from friends for awhile. This is normal. Don't let them talk you out of this process. You must see it through.

5. The Upward Turn - As you start to adjust to life without your ex, it will become calmer and more organized, and you will not feel the physical strain of depression and sadness.

6. Reconstruction and Working Through - As you begin to function normally, your thought processes become more normal, and you start to think through life independent of your past relationship. You will begin to solve current social and financial needs.

7. Acceptance and Hope - This is the final stage in this model of grief. You will learn to accept reality and deal with it effectively. You may not find the same level of happiness before, and may be a bit of a sadder but wiser person, but you will now move forward with your life.

I have taken the trouble to include this grief model as a way of showing you hope. You will stop focusing on this person as soon as the futility of it sets in. It will get old for you, and you will eventually cease, probably sooner than later, because you have already reached out for help. This means you are close to stopping.

You will look back at this period of your life, and from the view of the future it will seem much smaller in the scheme of things. Go through the process. Don't seek depression medication (as this only delays the healing). Know in your heart that these dark days will pass.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I know i have to do so ! I am just being homnest here ! Im so confused cause she is obese and a horrible girl! And everyone tells me i cAn get any man i want ! Nobody can understamd what he sees in her ! He even had told me he cannot just leave her its difficult to explain ! I am not like my friends i have inly had 2 men in my life its not easy for me ! Friends say she made him delete me ! I want to leave the country
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
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