-- The questions you're asking are how to 'fix' another human being according to the standards that are right for you.
--- What if she (or anyone else) decided that you were not living your life in accordance to their standards and wanted you to become their ideal in the way of communicating and/or behavior?
--- The fact is, we can't make anyone else different if they don't want to be. Just like we can't make an alcoholic stop drinking until they're ready; we can't turn an average person into a genius no matter how much we school them and we can't teach a pig to play the violin without annoying the pig and wasting a perfectly good fiddle.
--- What you can do in the case of this relationship is employ new and different tools when it comes to communication, which is not only how we manage our 'output' (verbalizations), but how we fine tune our 'input' (listening skills).
--- Since you are obviously well voiced, informed and intelligent - chances are just a few visits to a 'couples counselor' (four visits) will make a huge difference. It seems the key to making things different is reaching your companion on a non threatening level. When you try to tell her how to be better it's producing the same results (no results) because she's hearing it with the same filter on. You can use different words, but by the time it passes through that filter, the message is the same to her.
--- A third party to help translate would make a world of difference. There won't be a filter established - she'll hear what you're really saying. And, also importantly, you'll hear her.
With new options in communicating (speaking and listening) even if you don't get the outcome you hope for, you'll get the outcome you need.