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Doctor Kevin
Doctor Kevin, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1482
Experience:  24 years in a private practice
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I am currently dating the sister of a long lost girlfriend.

Customer Question

I am currently dating the sister of a long lost girlfriend. She and I re-connected after about 25 years on facebook. As stated, I dated her sister about 25 years ago. This gets a little bumpy so bare with me on the ride. We started dating while I was still married. I know shame on me. I do regret the way we started off, and I regret hurting my ex-wife the way I hurt her, but I do not regret where Sherry and I are currently. I won't go into long winded details other than to say it takes two to make it or break it and had I been happy and content at home I obviously wouldn't have been looking elsewhere. My ex-wife changed dramatically when she was diagnosed with cancer. Very little if any for the good, mostly bad. I love Sherry more than I have ever loved before. My wife and I never had children, and I regret that also, though it was a mutual decision, I think it was a mistake. Sherry has a 16 year old autistic son that is so very special to me. Through the messy divorce, Sherry's sister (my old girlfriend...25 years ago, her husband, and my ex-wife played games). My ex installed keystroke software on my computer, someone hired a private investigator to follow Sherry, all the games that were played! Sherry has lived with her mother since her divorce. Sherry's husband walked out on her after her daughter of 8 mos. died and she was 4 mos. pregnant with her son. At the same time Sherry's dad was in the early stages of Alzheimers. So it worked out well for everyone, Sherry's mother could help Sherry with her son, and Sherry could help with her dad. However, through all the game playing, everyone has made it not be a condusive environment for her and I to date. Her mother has even said if she continues to see me she will have to move out. She wants to move out, but when she can afford it, and ease an autistic son into change and not rush things. We both are consenting adults, very much adults now (40's), but how do we get past this? Is it doomed to fail before it begins because of the baggage with her sister? As far as I'm concerned that was in the past. Biblically is it doomed because it started as an alduterous affair? What can I do to ease her mind? Any help would be appreciated.

Thank you in advance
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 4 years ago.

Kevin Kappler :

Thank you for choosing JustAnswer!

Kevin Kappler :

I am reminded of the old saying that computers sometimes make mistakes but it takes a human to really screw things up. You have a longstanding relationship with Sherry that has survived despite the wrath of her sister and her husband. Somehow those conflicts have been resolved but their reverberations have reached Sherry's mother who is expressing her anger in terms of an ultimatum.

Kevin Kappler :

Anytime you decide to start a new relationship before you end your present one you will have human conflict. The issues of betrayal, jealousy, mistrust and anger or more exactly wrath of a scorned spouse will come up when you don't end one relationship, spend some time alone and then start another one.

Kevin Kappler :

One way to deal with Sherry's mothers wrath is to talk to Sherry and decide to postpone the relationship for a while. Then Sherry can stay at her mother's and save up some money so that she can move out and you can get a chance to heal after such an arduous divorce.

Kevin Kappler :

I see that you are currently off-line. I have responded to your request as best as I can. If you have more to add about the situation feel free to do so. If you have already received a satisfactory answer to your question, click the accept button. Experts are paid only for each accepted answer they provide.

Customer :

Kevin,

Customer :

I don't think either of us want to give up on the other right now. I feel her love, and I am so deeply in love with her. We just see each other when we can, I just hate having to sneak around like school kids to date each other. It was understandable when I was still married, but I am divorced now, so had her sister, brother-inlaw, and my ex-wife not played the games that they did it would not have created the environment that it did for us to have to continue to sneak around. Sherry is planning on trying to find a teaching position where I live and eventually moving, but as stated earlier, this has to be done slowly for her autistic son. I would like the freedom to be able to get together with her and her son on the weekends or holidays, to be around her son more, but I guess this is just not going to be an option right now. I assume rather than telling Sherry how lonely it is without her, just show her support in knowing that someday we will be together?

Customer :

Thanks for your time,

Customer :

Steven

Kevin Kappler :

Yes Steven you have the right idea in being supportive. This is also a good time to look at your loneliness and neediness and how it effects you. You might discover something you need to change in yourself so that you don't get so desperate in the future and try to work things out rather than find a substitute. The best predictor of future behavior is previous behavior unless you make an effort to change yourself.

It is my goal to help and exceed your expectations. If you need to discuss more or need clarification please just respond here and I will be notified. However, if you are satisfied with my efforts, please don't forget to click on the green accept button because I need to get credit for my work.

Kevin Kappler :

I need to inform you of the situation as it stands so you can decide what to do. You have made the effort to ask and receive a response to your question. That item has been timed out because you have accepted the repose but not clicked the acceptance button. As a result you have my hard work and compassion and I have no payment. If there is anything else I can do as an expert let me know or address it in a separate response addressed to me and I will gladly answer it.

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