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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1760
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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Hi, Im really confused about something. I have(had?) A friend

Customer Question

Hi, I'm really confused about something. I have(had?) A friend that I worked with for over 3 years. In that time we seemed pretty close and never fought. I am a male and she a female. I'm a bit older than her but that wasn't an issue. We were just friends. I care very deeply for this girl and thought she for me. Recently, she abruptly quit for reasons that had mothing to do with me. I wasn't even there the night she left. This has been about a month now. Since then, I've contacted her about 3 times and told her I felt like she was seeming distant to me and that I would like to keep in touch and still be friends and she said that we were and there was no problem. But in that time, she has kept in touch with most others in our place and on social media and pretty much ignored me. I would think age but one of the people there is older than me. I'm really confused and hurt by this because I like her alot as a person and think highly of her. And I thought she did of me. I could deal with her "dumping" me if I just had a reason. It wouldn't even hurt as much if she was mad at me but instead it's like I've never existed. Can you shed some light on this for me? Thank you.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hello, thank for joining me. Please forgive any typos as I get very immersed in my work with you and sometimes my brain goes faster than my fingers.

CoachJenK :

I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing right now. It is rather confusing and it brings some questions to mind. Have you been able to gather why she quit without warning or notice/

CoachJenK :

Was there romance between you at any point or just strictly a friendship?

Customer:

no, no romance, but probably feelings on both parts. there was the age difference. if not for that, there might have been. And she quit b/c of being treated badly by mngmnt. I was even supportive of her through this and tried to help her get work in another of our stores.

CoachJenK :

I am clear of several things. First and foremost you sound like a wonderful gentleman. Second is that whatever is going on with her has nothing to do with you. It does not appear that way to me. She is in some sort of turmoil and does not have the ability right now to reach out to you and that could be because of her strong feelings for you despite any age difference.

CoachJenK :

Sometimes when a person steps back i like to suggest an approach that is mild in nature such as an email that she can read at her own pace and absorb and digest it all.

CoachJenK :

I would probably say that becuase you have been friends for several years you can begin with that and how you miss that special bond you have devloped and hared during these 3 years.

CoachJenK :

i might also say that you are empathic toward whatever she is going through and would like to be there to support her in any way you can. i would leave the heavy stuff out for now and just let her know you are there and you care for her.

CoachJenK :

How does any of this feel to you?

Customer:

I agree with doing that, but as stated. I did that last week and I got a response that basically we're good. but in that time, she's contacted and talked to others around us. Mutual friends. But have not heard a single word from her. i just don't want to push her away further by trying

CoachJenK :

Yes I hear that...so the other option is to wait it out a bit longer before you send another email that says You said were good, but haven't heard from you so wanted to check in and see how you are.

CoachJenK :

We also need to address the issue of her not responding for whatever reason she has removed herself from you and you are not able to get the contact that you desire. I am not convinced that this will happen but my goal is to support you in your space of pain and discomfort.

Customer:

Okay, and that's not being overbearing? or strange? I want to respect her but it would just be a lot less painful if had a reason why from her. you know?

CoachJenK :

Yes I absolutely understand and i am not suggesting you be overbearing that is why you are going to sit tight for a bit and see if she comes around.

CoachJenK :

Even if you contact her today tomorrow or next month there is no way to predict what her feelings will be when you make contact. I am hoping that she will come around before you need to make the decision of when. I do hear your pain and also your compassion for her and your desire to not add any more stress to her life.

CoachJenK :

The other thing to look at is her level of respect in treating you in this manner as if you never existed as you say.

Customer:

I'm sorry, missed the 2nd part before responding. So after waiting say a couple more weeks? I should write again and ask for what? a reason for her silence?

CoachJenK :

mutuality is important in any type of relationship and i want you to have that and not just give over of yourself.

CoachJenK :

Yes but maybe in a mild way...such as I miss you...you said we were good but I haven't heard from you. I am worried about you. Lets grab a coffee and catch up.

Customer:

Okay, see. and if she still won't see or respond? time to let her go?

CoachJenK :

Time to heal for sure. I know that is an outcome that you don't want and i hope it doesnt come to that, but if it does, then yes you need to take care of yourself and probably move on.

CoachJenK :

She may be struggling with some heavy duty feelings for you and may feel the only option is to disappear.

CoachJenK :

It is really so hard to predict what is going on for her...my goal is to support you in whatever direction this goes.

Customer:

Okay, I hear ya. it won't be easy with her still talking to our mutual friends. that's heart-wrenching. This is one person I never thought I'd have this problem with. I hope I'll have the strength to give up if needed. btw, in her response, she did say she was going.gthrough tough times

CoachJenK :

yes now you tell me!!!! :-) She might be able to stay in touch with them because her feelings for you are quite strong.

Customer:

I'm just relieved that she may still think of me. I couldn't understand how she could just forget me like that. It's so painful. Jen? You have made me feel a lot better. I really would prefer to be a part of her life. I hope she'll let me again someday.

CoachJenK :

You are a gentleman. Hold onto that I too hope she will be back..my hunch says she will. Come back and ask for me anytime if you need more support. I am glad you are feeling a little better. If you feel our time together was helpful please press accept and provide some feedback too.

Customer:

And btw, the fact I didn't mention it and you suggested it, makes me trust your opinion more. :D Thank You Jen. you've given me hope Bye :)

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1760
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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