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heartandmindhealing, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 25
Experience:  It's often "cheaper to keep her" (or him) - so let's find the answers together and avoid the break-up or divorce.
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Hi, Ive worked with a supervisor of mine for 5 years. We

Customer Question

I've worked with a supervisor of mine for 5 years. We are both fully committed, he's married with a 1 year old son and 40 years old. I am 28 and been married for 3 years. We hang out a lot and we've always had a special bond. A few days ago we stayed out really late and spilled our guts about how we feel about each other. It's not something we both looked for or asked for but it has all seemed to happen so fast. We both haven't been happy in our marriages and we had no intention of hurting our spouses. It's a very difficult situation because we work together and with all our friends are mutual. He told his wife that he was out with me and talking with me and told her he had feelings for me and of course, now she hates me. I havent told my husband yet. He wants to leave his wife and be with me. This is all so crazy. I am in love with this man but I really don't know what to do. It's tearing me apart because our spouses are nice people and didn't expect this to happen. Please help.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ask Ashley replied 4 years ago.

Ask Ashley :

This is a difficult situation you are in, but let's examine what's going on here. If you were to leave your husband for this man, would you be able to trust that he would not have an emotional affair with someone else down the line? Cheating is often a patterned behavior.

If I were in your position, I would take two weeks of breaking off contact with your supervisor. I would reevaluate how I feel after taking that time off, and within those two weeks, I would do my best to rekindle the relationship I have with my husband.

After two weeks, you may find that the idea of an affair with the supervisor does not hit as hard as it does now and that you are happy you refrained from it. Good luck.

Customer :


Customer :

I did what you asked and we spent some time apart. We talked and realized that we are indeed in love with each other and this is not a sex thing. We both have feelings for each other but we know its impossible to be together because we work together and have very different lives. We cant stop thinking about each other. What can we do??

Expert:  heartandmindhealing replied 4 years ago.
Hi Customer:

My name is Laura and I've been a marriage family therapist for 12 years.
You are in a very difficult position with this, as you know. On the one hand, you say that you are indeed in love, but then you also say that it's impossible because you work together, have different lives and, as you put it, are married to nice people who didn't expect this.

I get the impression that you haven't acted on your feelings, and that's probably a very good thing. Nor do I think you are looking for an affair anyway.

So what are your choices?

Because you work together it may just be in both of your best interests for one of you to move on to another job, as difficult as this may be. I know that this is a difficult answer to read, but since you seem reluctant at this point to consider having a personal relationship with your supervisor (and he IS your supervisor which, in itself, can lead to lots of problems on the job), you will probably be happier putting some true distance between you.

I know this is not an easy solution, but I suggest you at least think about it. If you ever were to decide to move forward with your boss, it would be easier for you not to be in a supervisor/supervisee relationship with him. If you decide you want to work on your marriage, you will probably be happier not seeing your supervisor every day anyway.

Lastly, whatever issues or problems you have in your marriage - it sounds like you owe it to yourself and your husband to at least address them. This is where a good marriage counselor could be most helpful. I'm not saying that you won't eventually decide that your marriage is not what you want, but at least you will be able to clearly make a decision about the marriage without the added distraction of seeing someone you long for on a regular basis.

And I think that is this is my main point - that the issues you have with your husband are separate from this terribly complicated situation with your supervisor.

Best of luck to you - if you have any other follow-up questions, feel free to ask them here and I'll be happy to address them.

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