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Ask Ashley, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 17
Experience:  Having built my reputation in this area of expertise, I have conducted workshops on relationships. Let's discuss your issues.
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I know I will never b as beautiful as the woman my husband

Customer Question

I know I will never b as beautiful as the woman my husband cheated on me with. How can I stay with him and be happy?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.

You should try to focus on what is important in this situation which is why your husband cheated. I understand your feelings. It can feel that way following this traumatic situation. I would focus on finding out from your husband why he cheated. This will give you a chance to find out how he sees this incident. At that time also disclose to him your feelings of insecurity. Let him reassure you which may help with these feelings.

 

You may find that this cheating has triggered insecurities that you have relative to her. This is why marriage counseling would be very helpful. You could focus on the reason for his choices and the feelings you have regarding her physical attractiveness. You can then restart the relationship from a better perspective. That will adequately help you put the physical appearance in perspective.

 

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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
This happened a long time ago and I am still struggling obviously- but re your answer I have asked him and he says he doesn't know why? and at the time (over 20 years!!) I said it was because she was prettier and he agreed at the time but now says he doesn't remember that. But the simple fact is she is and I want to know how I can live with that and b happy to be with him? also the second part of your answer I didn't really understand? focusing on his choices and the feelings I have regarding her physical attractiveness? - thank u
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
What I was saying was that you should focus on why he chose to cheat rather than the attractiveness factor. Her physical appearance may not have been the factor that attracted him. It may have been another feature altogether. If you have not resolved this as a couple for this long you may want to see a counselor and have this discussion in front of a professional. It gives you are new perspective
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
we have seen a counselor and I am still c ing her on my own and we r working on my selfesteem but i still have the feeling that I will never get over the pain of the fact of her attractiveness??
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Expert:  etoddlpc replied 2 years ago.
Hi. I was looking over you situation. I do agree that you need to build your self esteem and sense of self worth. However, I think focusing on this woman's physical appearance is only going to continue to worry you. I would focus on the situation behind the affair, why your husband says that he cheated in the first place, the circumstances, etc. Work on forming that emotional connection with your husband in repairing your relationship. I know it can be such a painful experience, but you and your husband can work through this. There comes a point where you choose to forgive and work on moving forward and part of this forgiving involves not focusing on this woman's apperance. Hope this helps!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

ok it has kind of helped my head knows what u r saying is right but really I'm still stuck -like choosing to forgive I can say it but how do i feel and believe it?? I just don't feel i can move on (it has been a long time) that it will always be there that feeling of him having wanted someone more attractive and I will never be able to attain that (unless i won the lottery)!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Expert:  Ask Ashley replied 2 years ago.
First of all, please know that inner beauty is so much more important than what's on the outside. From what you have said, it sounds like your husband is ugly within to have betrayed your trust. You did not deserve that.

In order to move past the affair, I would advise that you and your husband work together to try to strengthen your relationship. If your husband wants to make this work, he should be more than happy to make up for what he's done. This includes making you feel like the beautiful person you are. He should want to spoil you if he's truly sorry for what he's done, and he does not intend on repeating the cheating behavior.

One exercise to work on your relationship is to take some uninterrupted time everyday, and ask each other two questions:

1) What is it in the relationship that I am happy you are doing?
2) What about the relationship do I think you can improve upon?

Through this open and honest mode of conversation, trust can be rebuilt.
Ask Ashley, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 17
Experience: Having built my reputation in this area of expertise, I have conducted workshops on relationships. Let's discuss your issues.
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