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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1760
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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am obsessed with my husbands ex girlfriend who has a child

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am obsessed with my husbands ex girlfriend who has a child with. we have been together for 3 years and we have baby together as well. during Christmas though i discovered some photos on her facebook that clearly stated that these two had been sleeping together when he had told me from the beginning of our relationship that the only time they slept together was when the baby was conceived. i was outraged with him not telling me the truth about this past relationship. i have trouble trusting him ever since and i have totally demonized her and have obsessive thoughts that i cannot control and find consuming.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hello, thank for joining me. Please forgive any typos as I get very immersed in my work with you and sometimes my brain goes faster than my fingers.

CoachJenK :

You feel betrayed and you are entitled to those feelings. It is painful to learn of something that now causes you anguish. My goal here is to help you deal with getting the obsessive thoughts from your mind.

CoachJenK :

Obviously contact remains as he has a child with her, but he is with you now and he has not made any changes or told you that he wants to be with her.

CoachJenK :

it is not uncommon that people do not fully disclose the full extent of their prior relationships and they may even find it easier to minimize the relationship out of a desire to have their new love feel like they are the only one they have ever felt intensely for. I am no saying this behavior is right or wrong i am only bringing it up as it is more common than any of us would like to believe. My goal would be for you to get passed this place of hurt and focus on the wonderful things in your relationship with him and your child together and less on her and what took place long ago.

Customer:

no of course not, he never said he wanted to be with her, and i have thought of the fact that he didn't fully disclose the nature of their relationship. but i feel that my trust in him is shaken up and i am wondering whether this behavior of mine is hiding something else. i love my husband and the life we have together but i just feel that he shouldn't have been hiding this from especially when i had been asking him several times about the nature of their relationship. and now that he is about to visit them for a day i am freaking out cause he never shares what or how he spends the day with them and i get pretty upset, that's what happened the last time he visited them in november.i need to put this behind me cause it's taking so much energy and i have a 5 month old to look after. it's not fair on anyone.

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
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Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
I understand all of it but I do think that it can be a lot of what I mentioned above...minimizing things from the past. He may not speak of it when he returns from seeing his child as he may not want to upset you and he knows it does. so what you see as further deceit, could just be protection on his part even though he hears you telling him you would like to know. Do you even accompany him with your child to see his other child? Maybe this would help to make you more comfortable and to take that worry out of the equation. You also mention having a 5 month old and you are most likely exhausted and that can drain a lot of energy and it has been known to strip women of their feelings of beauty and confidence as most of the care is going to your child. It may be just that that is causing these feelings of worry and anxiety. I would love for you to plan a date night and do something romantic together. I also like to recommend to new mom's to take some time to rejuvenate the self....this is helpful to you, your husband and your child.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
i would have loved to go and see his child with him but i don't think this other woman wants that. he always felt, before we even got married that if she knew about us she would not let him see his child.we have gone on date night and it's been fun but i was missing my child most of the time.i know that all this may sound irrational and i don't want to be this obsessve person at all.
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
Nothing of what you go through or feel is irrational. i would imagine this woman knows of you now? I would try to talk with your husband about your desire to be included and see where he is on things and you can also let him know how this will help to lessen some of the anxiety.
I also understand missing your child on date night. Maybe you give your baby her feeding and then put her down and then go out, so you know she is sleeping while you are out taking some time for the relationship.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
yes of course she does now, but i think she stll have feelings for my husband cause when he asked if she would come back to where she used to live in Greece,( thats where we also live, she now is back to england) she said she didn't want to see him and his "little family". and this idea about putting the bay to sleep sounds good to me
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
I truly empathize with that you are going through, but for a moment let's look at his position...He has two children with two different women so he must feel concerned about your feelings and I believe he doesn't talk about the visits so that he spares you. I still believe you should advocate for your needs around this and try to accompany him on a trip. The children are half-siblings after all.
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
Please let me know how else I can support you.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
how about my trust issues with my husband?i feel that if more details surface up am going to be devasted, thta's why i feel he has to tell me everything now
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
I truly believe that you are exhausted taking care of a 5 month old and these heightened feelings are coming up. I do believe the fact that she lives in England is a good thing this way you don't need to deal with this every weekend.
i think you need to let go and move on from what he may or may not have done in the past..because that is what it is...it's in the past. His connection remains because he has a child. don't confuse the two. He hasn't given any indication that he is unhappy, so you need to remember that if he wanted to be with her he would already have been way back when. It is you that he is with and you that he wants. Let's not push that away with these worries.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1760
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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