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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1722
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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I have a 30 year old son who has a history of uncompleted attempts

Resolved Question:

I have a 30 year old son who has a history of uncompleted attempts at education and work. He has 4 children and married to a stay at home wife. I have been supporting him (and his family) for the last 5 years by giving him various employment opportunities, but he is argumentative, defensive and work is outrageously unsatisfactory. The only positive thing I can say about him is that he is a good and caring Father. As a son, he is deceitful, disrepectful, suspicious and unwilling to follow instructions and advice. (Mom passed away and was out of the picture after his teen years).
My son also has a history of tourettes (diagnosed as a teen and I suspect ADHD and ODD), and failing to complete any assignments, courses or employment tasks. I cannot continue to employ him as the work has been unproductive bordering on destructive, and abuse of priveleges and credit cards. After repeated warnings and suspensions this continues. Others consider him a personable and likeable young man, but with me and fellow employees he has always been secretive and confrontational. I tried counselling but my son failed to show up after the first session. I also offered to pay his salary for any courses or training he may wish to seek, to no avail. My gut instinct is to terminate his employment stop supporting his family and let the chips fall where they may. Any Advice out there?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hello, thank for joining me. Please forgive any typos as I get very immersed in my work with you and sometimes my brain goes faster than my fingers.

CoachJenK :

That is a tough situation for you and a painful one as well. you mention his many issues and you have done right by getting him into treatment but him not attending after the first session is a problem. Some may say you are enabling his behavior and i must say you are being aloving and caring father.

CoachJenK :

I have a suggestion..please let me know your thoughts.

CoachJenK :

what if you make his employment with you conditional on him going to treatment and possibly receiving medication if the doctor feels it is warranted.

CoachJenK :

If he fails to remain in treatment then you will let him go and let him find his own way. But things do not seem to me that they will change on the course that you are both on with each other. He knows you will be there and you know he will have these issues. So let's get him into treatment by putting that condition on it.

CoachJenK :

If this lan seems reasonable to you I must dig a bit deeper into your feelings about how it will be for you if he fails to hold up his end of the bargain? Where is his wife in all of this...just thankful that you are there as the safety net?

CoachJenK :

I also want to make sure that whatever position he is in with you at work that it is the right one based on his abilities.

Customer:

I don't think he will agree to that, but we can try. What kind of treatment is available? How can he be diagnosed or tested? I would be quite satisfied if he would start to take even some financial responsibility, and be able to start standing on his own two feet. I have asked him repeatedly for health info, his personal financial info, and he always stonewalls. I think his wife will support him no matter what, but she does not drive and is a stay at home mom. Are you getting any of what i am typing?

CoachJenK :

Yes I have received it and I get it all

CoachJenK :

I suggest that you get him an appointment with a psychiatrist and let them know of all the issues and they can set up the testing for ADD and more. Once they have your complete history and his testing they will make their treatment recommendation which may include both therapy and medication. He may not go for it as you say but is he willing to give up his free ride with you?

Customer:

Good point about the position. I have had him in many jobs, and he finds fault in every aspect of my property management business. Sometimes his views are valid, but the point is to start the work, and finish it, not to debate the task.

CoachJenK :

agreed but if his abilities are limited and he can't focus or grasp it or complete these tasks we might be asking him to do more than he is capable thereby increasing his secrecy and frustrations.

Customer:

Ok. I will try that approach, and i suggest he will be suspended (with pay), and it may take some time to make appointments and testing. Perhaps 3 months is reasonable, and I will still encourage him to try and take some courses or training too.

CoachJenK :

Are you still with me?

Customer:

yes.

CoachJenK :

ok I imagine you are processing the information? I just like to check in as sometimes the responses can go through slowly.

Customer:

You gave some good options, and i will consider them carefully. The problem is that there is serious distrust on my part about his honesty, and I have to protect the office, change the locks to prevent him from accessing the credit cards or cheque book. It was my dream that my son would one day take over some aspect of the business, but that has been extinguished some time ago. My goal is just to get him independent, and productive. Thanks for your help.

CoachJenK :

I understand all of it and I empathize with you as a fellow parent. I think this very clear boundary will be helpful to set and do what you need to do to protect the business. It has been my pleasure and if you need support come back. If you found our time together helpful please click accept and provide feedback too. I am here any time just ask for "CoachJenK

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1722
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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