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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1816
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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I have been in a relationship with a man for 6 years, Im 52

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I have been in a relationship with a man for 6 years, I'm 52 and he 48 now. He has his own home and I live in an apartment. I feel I am struggling I can't win..but here is the scoop.
The first year he was still seeing his ex girlfriend (20 years) without my knowledge. They built the home he now owns yet she never lived or spent nights there. She lived with her parents. I looked past the "fail to inform me" and we started our relationship. We have talked of moving in together through the past five years and even set a date or month a couple times but each time some discussion or disagreement turned into a fight and he then "isn't ready to live together".
I do not share Holiday's or birthdays with his family. His father and mother are separated so he has holidays with his father and uncle(a priest) both in 70's. I'm told they do not want me at the get togethers but there is no reason. I have met dad over the years and frankly the family has not made an attempt to want get to know me. Boyfriend says he can't force me on them and there is nothing he can do it's their choice. On other hand I have a family who has been interested in meeting him yet there have been few times. He has been working or had hunting trips to think of and not the time to spend with my family. He will stop by or make time for a dinner out if they are in town.
Boyfriend talks on and on about where we will retire, build a home and more but allways in the future. I have focused on making this relationship a good one...but I'm really growing tired and feeling hopeless about any future. By the way, ex girlfriend found a new guy and within two years of split from boyfriend she and new guy bought a house and are living together....
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hello, thank for joining me. Please forgive any typos as I get very immersed in my work with you and sometimes my brain goes faster than my fingers.

CoachJenK :

There are many things going on here and my main focus is on you and how you feel. i can hear how he will not talk about his feelings and this leaves your frustrated and confused. i am glad you are doing things for yourself such as working and living on your own now. He seems a bit self-absorbed and i really wonder whether he can commit to anything long-term and truly be honest in the relationship. you are to be commended for your willingness and desire to have a better relationship but it makes it difficult when only one is willing to do the work and there is a lack of communication.

CoachJenK :

So my focus again is on you and figuring out whether you feel entitled to be with someone who shows mutuality and includes you in all aspects of his life such as family, family events, etc.

CoachJenK :

Are you with me?

Customer:

thanks for the response and info. I feel that our conflict is just that..I'm ready to move forward and he is not. The "I was ready to ask you to move in or I was thinking next month..." statement always comes at the time of conflict like a saftey valve, and honestly it has caused me to rethink and return. But with no change. My serious thought is time apart. Though it would be hard for me it's to see if he really wants the commitment and what goes with it. I know the opposite could ocurr and he wish to continue alone but after 6 years and where we are in life i'm ready to accept what will be

CoachJenK :

you sound like you have a great gut and great instincts. you may very well be in different places and I do hear that he cares for you, but I am not sure he has the ability to make that commitment to anyone. To be treated in a way without mutuality feels awful and to not be included in his family feels the same. i think some time apart would give you the space you need to figure out where you want to go with this...stick around for another 6 years with little forward movement or try to move on from this relationship.

TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1816
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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