-- So you are doing the same things time and time again with the same result. Like going to see a movie you've seen 100x's before and hoping it ends differently.
It's time to leave husband out of the counseling and go by yourself. Not to save the marriage as much as save yourself.
You write well, strike me as intelligent, insightful and motivated. So when it comes down to the reality that you are trying to ignore or escape, you know that you cannot "make" anyone love you. You can't even make anyone "like" you.
In so much as your husband has been with you all these years, I expect that either he actually does love you in his own way or is severely unmotivated to change conditions that he feels are tolerable.
The thing is, marriage shouldn't just be 'tolerable'. It should be a happy, safe, secure place to reside and feel re-charged, enthusiastic, strong in knowing you are loved unconditionally and are supported when it seems the world is against you.
Marriage should be a lot of the opposite of what you're describing. One hand cannot clap and yet you're flailing away trying to bring up the roar of applause.
Why do you undervalue yourself this much? Where is your self respect? What are you afraid of? How can you change your life so it's not just better, but good? Even if it's on your own?
These are questions to ask a counselor one on one. A counselor who, after you first explain your relationship and background, will only allow you to use sentences with "I" and "me", "my", "myself" - the one person you can change; the one person you can control and the one person who you can and should be loved by first and last.
This is not about your husband. It's about you and whether you're ready to admit that this relationship isn't good for you and is not what you want to put up with for the rest of your life; or that this relationship is the one you've got and if you're going to stay, you're to accept it the way it is because trying to turn a boar into a boy is simply not going to happen.