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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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my husband had an affair with someone at work. weve been together

Resolved Question:

my husband had an affair with someone at work. we've been together 15 years, married for 6 years, with two young children. Its 10 months on since I found out. We're trying to make it work but they still work at the same place. Its eating away at me. He seems unwilling to even think abut changing jobs.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

JenK :

Hello, thank for joining me. Please forgive any typos as I get very immersed in my work with you and sometimes my brain goes faster than my fingers.

JenK :

is the affair over and for how long?

Customer:

it ended when i found out about 10 months ago

JenK :

I am hoping you have been in some counseling together to get through it?

Customer:

we have. its helped us get through the initial stages but unfortunately i gradually found out more and more about what had been going on. As most people say its the emotional attachment that concerns me more. They talked of love etc. 8 month relationship. As soon as I found out I think the shock hit him as to what he had done. The brick wall I am hitting is that they still work at the same place, large company, not in the same department but still in the same place. I'm stay at home mum so my mind works overtime on this

JenK :

I can imagine and I am sorry for your pain that you have experienced and are continuing to experience. Did you address this issue of changing jobs when you were in counseling togther?

JenK :

It is hard for me to know whether that is realistic for him to change jobs. I think what is most important is the issue of betrayal and mistrust that you now feel and the process you need to work through to be able to trust again. Not easy I know.

JenK :

I empathize with you and your mind working over time.

JenK :

So we need to play this out as it doesn't seem like changing his workplace is something he is going to do and my concern now is fro you and what will help you the most.

JenK :

I know you are saying well if he changes jobs I will feel better, but my gut tells me that since this betrayal that mistrust will still continue and i understand that.

Customer:

To start with that didn't seem a major concern to me. I was more determined to be sure I got the truth and he was with me for all the right reasons. As time goes on I know I should be starting to move on with this, I know in the grand scheme of things it hasn't been very long though. I

JenK :

Hard to put a timetable or a "should" as to when you need to move on. It was a betrayal and still very ripe for you and maybe you could benefit from some alone time with a counselor to work through those feelings.

JenK :

Hard to put a timetable on when you "should" be moving on.

JenK :

You are dealing with a betrayal and your feelings are still ripe and that is ok. Maybe you would benefit from seeing acounselor on your own so you have a safe place to talk of your feelings.

JenK :

answers are coming through weird right now. sorry about the double response...not sure why it didnt show up so I had to retype

Customer:

I have done that and I talk to people, friends. I just feel marriage is about so much, comprimise. Changing would give us a chance. I accept I need to start over, part time job, do things for me to give me myself back. But its still there, they still come into contact

JenK :

I certainly understand all that you are saying and desire and I am not saying I don't agree with you but I am not sure we can make him do that change.

JenK :

I know that is beyond frustrating.

JenK :

It is okay to feel all that you are feeling about it.

Customer:

It really makes me question prorities. Does his job really comes first? Do I want to be with someone who thinks like that?

JenK :

It feels deeper than that meaning that you are questioning his priorities because his job may come first but not questioning them about having an affair.

JenK :

It is time to focus on you and your priorities

Customer:

We have talked about it and I've said I don't expect him to change overnight, this is a long term thing. Its got to be the right move for him. I feel he's put me in a completely unreasonable position. He's says he's asking too much, what does that say?

JenK :

It sounds like a man who will do what he wants and when he wants without much care for others around him

JenK :

He has betrayed you and i wonder if he has really accepted the hurt and pain he has caused you and your family?

Customer:

I can't see, at the moment, no matter how much stuff I throw myself into that this isn't going to be an issue eating away at me. He knows how much he's hurt me, I've lost 2 stone, my mum even says I've changed. He couldn;t deal with me working at the same place as an ex, not someone I'd partially replaced him with. He's in a great job and I know it will be so hard for him, but I just need him to consider it, seriously consider it. I've said if an opportunity comes up to really think about what it could mean. I know it's not going to fix things between us, but it will take away some of this immense pressure

Customer:

and give us a fighting chance

JenK :

I really hear you loud and clear and can hear how distraught you are and again i believe working together again with a counselor would be the place to work through this issue with his job...you need to be heard

Customer:

ive never not trusted him before this. This way of life is alien to me. He's ashamed of himself, hates himself for what he's done to me, to us, our family. He desperatley wants us to work this out...so he says. I've picked him off the floor sobbing uncontrollably. Its heart breaking all of it

JenK :

Yes i hear the heartbreak and and feel for all of you. Please go back to counseling together. this can be so helpful

Customer:

Ok. He's staying at his parents right now, for the last few days because we've got into such a rut. Not arguing but just not even knowing what to say to each other. Space is good for both of us to really think about what it is we want, really. We're both exhausted. I think we've both hoped we could be more together by now. I miss him. I wish I could be ok with the work thing, that would be so easy, but my gut is telling me , nagging me I'm just not going to be ok with it.

JenK :

I think the space can be good so you can come back together to figure out the next step. As you and I come to an end I will leave you with my thoughts again. You are entitled to all that you are feeling. I believe the best course is to get back into counseling together so you can work on this issue and others that may come up. I wish you the best and please come back anytime for more support. If you feel our time together was helpful please click accept and also provide feedback. If there is anything else, please let me know.

Customer:

Thanks. Wish us luck

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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