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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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i have been w/ my boyfriend for about 16 months now and thinking

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i have been w/ my boyfriend for about 16 months now and thinking back on everything, i love him SO much. he is my perfect partner, i've never been more in love with anyone else, i've never felt this way before. i'm totally committed to him, i would love to spend the rest of my life with him, get married and have a family.

i'm 25 and he is 35 and we lived together by the beach w/ his dog and i got a puppy almost a year ago now too. life was perfect - i could never have asked for anything better and he made me totally happy.

i've been aware that he is jealous when it comes to me talking to other guys. i would never EVER do anything wrong by him as i'm totally committed to him and our relationship and i've been cheated on in the past and know how much it hurts so would never do the same thing. i don't flirt or lead other guys on or anything but he gets jealous if a guy from my past contacts me or anything like that. i've been aware of it (and probably ignored it) and made a note that i won't let this ruin and take over my life and to keep an eye on it. most probably a ''red flag'' that i chose to ignore.

another red flag is that when i asked him at the beginning if he takes drugs he replied yes. that he used to take a lot of drugs - mainly smoke grass. another ''red flag'' as i really don't like drugs as i only see the bad from them. but i decided to give him a chance as he didn't do it anymore as as regularly.

all last year our relationship was great - totally amazing and the more i was w/ him, the more i realised how much i want to marry this man one day.

november last year i went out for a girls night - the first one in a long long time. i don't really like to go out that often anymore. we had a good time. there were some travellers at the caravan park who helped pitch our tent, then we went and chatted w/ them. they knew 2 of us were w/ partners but my other friend had a good time chatting w/ them. we went out, then my single friend decided to go skinny dipping and one of the guys joined her. we didn't want to but we wern't going to leave a drunk girl w/ a guy she met that night alone on the beach. so we stayed w/ them to make sure they were ok. that was it.

the next day i started to tell my partner and before i could even finish the story he went off ! yelling swaring about how i just decided to go skinny dipping w/ a bunch of random guys. anyway he wouldn't even let me explain the story to him about how i did nothing wrong and starting yelling at me just F**K OFF three times. i had no idea who this person was acting this way so i walked out and went and hid. i tried to explain in a text to him ...

i came back when he was calmer and tried to explain the whole story and he cut me off all the time, raising his voice again, getting angry. he got so angry at me i was so scared. he told me to f**k off again and get out of his house and get all of my stuff GONE. i couldn't believe it. he told me to take the dogs, he didn't want his anymore and get out of there. i couldn't believe who this crazy person was so i left w/ the dogs.

i cried to my parents ... i don't think he actually thought i would involve anyone else. he hurt me. he forgave me and i told him if it ever happens again i'm gone !

it happened again 2 weeks later. i hacked his fb on his phone and wrote some goofy stuff on his status. yeh i shouldn't have done it but it was a harmless joke. he went psycho again at me so i locked myself in the bathroom and had a panic attack. i was so humilated as it was at his best mates house so him and his gf witnessed all this. i should have left then and there but it was close to xmas and i didn't want to ruin everything. i love his family so much as well. he promised me he would get help. he went to the doctors once and was meant to go back and never did.

everything was great for a while until this weekend. it happened again... i took him away for a suprise seductive romantic weekend away and he lost it because somebody i used to know (a male) sent me a text and that was it. he thretened to bash the windows of my car if i left w/out him. he was so SO mad. i was almost going to call the police i didn't know what to do.

i finally told my parents that it happend again (i never told anymore) and they said forget it. leave him. move on. he IS getting help this time. i've told his sister my concerns for him (he threatened to kill himself).

i should leave him. i know i should but i don't want to leave his family and the memories and i feel like a failure.. i just ... i miss him so much. i miss the guy i fell in love w/. i've gone to my parents and i'm moving out. i said i can't be w/ him like this and that he needs help.

i've never told any friends of this (denial i guess ... that i don't hear what they have to say)

what should i do ? i don't want to throw away everything we have. but i don't want to be disrespected anymore either. would he change w/ councilling ? :(((
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

JenK :

Hello, thank for joining me. Please forgive any typos as I get very immersed in my work with you and sometimes my brain goes faster than my fingers.

JenK :

I think you have made some good choices here. Until he gets consistent help with these angry and threatening outbursts it is really hard to predict how change will go. If he is motivated and sticks with it, then he will be able to learn the motivation for his anger and find alternate ways of dealing with his emotions. Right now you are in a safe place and that is good. You love him and I do hope he can make the changes necessary for you to be together.

JenK :

I do hope you see how hacking into his FB page is crossing a boundary and boundaries need to be respected in a relationship and if you want him to respect yours, then you wil need to give him that same care. Does that make sense?

Customer:

Yes it does. Thank you. I know i shouldn't have done it but we have both done it to eachother in the past and laughed at it. it was funny. so i thought nothing of it but have never done it again that's for sure. i understand he was angry but the way he acted was a total shock. i wasn't expecting it. sorry for any of my typos too

JenK :

I am glad you see that and you are right since you have done this in the past and it was no big deal. I think he has some unresolved issues causing this anger and extreme acting of it out

JenK :

Tell me what you are thinking?

Customer:

i don't know what to do. i've been googling for advice all morning. i was thinking of maybe making some sort of probationary period or something. what do you think ? like 6 months apart or something where he has the chance to sort him self out and work on it and see someone. i just can't picture myself alone and without him. he was the other piece to my puzzle and we just fitted. i feel horrible watching any romance on tv, or seeing all this valentines day promotion.

JenK :

I think it is a good idea to take this step back as he gets the help he needs. You can let him know how you care and love him and needs for him to get well so that you can have a life together. I know that Valentine's day can be tough but you still have love in your heart and that is a great thing. I hear your compassion and love for him.

Customer:

i just ... wish it didn't have to be complicated. i grew up watching my parents perfect relationship. they are AMAZING. so i want what they have and think everyones relationship should be the same. if this had happened earlier in the relationship i would have walked away. i've done that before, as much as it hurt i walked away from someone who cheated on me. but it was an easier decision to make as we were only together for 3 months and he had complicated baby/ex-gf stuff going on. but with my man now, there is 16 months of magic that i just can't bear myself to leave behind. plus our dogs.

JenK :

I truly understand all of that and applaud you for your passion and care. Are you in any contact with him currently?

JenK :

Maybe you don't need a timeline on the the time apart but him getting help is a must and then maybe the two of you together at some point as he is settled in his treatment you can go together.

Customer:

yes. we still communicate through text messages because i find it really hard to speak words. he came over yesterday to take the dogs for a few days. the dogs love going from my parents farm to the beach - they have got it good !! he asked me over for dinner tonight but i declined. i said maybe tomorrow night ? should i ? i was going to start getting some of my things on the weekend anyway. my parents really really liked him but after finding out - well mum doesn't want anything to do with him and they are so dissapointed. they think i should just walk away and forget about it and think i'd be crazy to go back. i don't want to upset them either because i live with them and respect them so much.

JenK :

Hard to tell someone what to do when feelings are involved but I think the best course is that he shold be in treatment first.

JenK :

I would be worried for your safety.

Customer:

you're right. i don't want to give him a false hope that i might be forgiving him so he thinks well we are back on track again i don't need to go get help anymore.

JenK :

And you dont want to go to a counselor together at some point?

JenK :

And you are not desirous of going together for counseling at some point?

Customer:

i was thinking that would be a good idea. i said i'm there to help him.

JenK :

I like the idea of it too but I would hope he would in treatment first for himself. Would you agree with that?

Customer:

yes i do

JenK :

I know how hard this is for you and i am proud of how you have taken care of yourself up until now. you can love him and support him and when he gets the help you can go with him so you can work on the relationship and how his rage has affected you and the relationship.

Customer:

thank you so much for all youe help. i feel a lot better now : )

JenK :

it has been my pleasure. If you feel our time together was helpful please click accept and come back and find me anytime. Just put CoachJenK in before you type the rest of the text.

Customer:

thanks again so much - hope you have a nice day : )

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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