How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Elliott, LPCC, NCC Your Own Question

Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
40019946
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Elliott, LPCC, NCC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Wife (58, fit and very attractive) has recently reconnected

Customer Question

Wife (58, fit and very attractive) has recently reconnected with college male friend (also 58 or so), who always had a platonic relationship with her. they have not crossed paths in 30 years. We are in Virginia and friend is in Ca. - they have only emailed, phoned, and txt'ed so far, for about 2 months. they speak on the phone for an hour or so a day, plus txt alot.
Wife has obsessive personality and frequently latches onto things for months at a time, and this seems like one of those times (does not drink, gamble, use drugs or other obsessive things like that) She previously had an affair 20 years ago, none since until possibly now. Wife is guarded about her txt's and seeks privacy for the phone calls. She does share what they talk about, and tells stories about him being happily married and relates what he is often up to with his wife.
Friend is coming to town for a few weeks to talk to wife about a business opportunity - wife is seeking to get my OK for private time with friend, She is a professional manager and I know the business part of the meeting is truthful; she says this is the same as her business trips out of town when she was working, and logically, she is correct.
Our sex life is good and she is quite loving after - we do not fight, and we do not find fault or tear each other down......how worried should I be? in many ways she is acting like she did with the affair 20 years ago, but then we were not having good sex and there was a lot of anger all the time.....that isn't true now, or if it is she is hiding it well....
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

Your wife seems to be a difficult and manipulative person in some ways. This may account for her business success, and may indicate an underlying condition or narcissism. Narcissists need to be admired, especially as they age. They are also very good at conning others by telling them, quite convincingly, tales that are not true.

You caught your wife cheating 20 years ago, or she admitted it to you. This may be a long term pattern. Her obsessive behavior, latching on to "things" may also have been part of a cover-up for affairs that were tangentially and convincingly related to the "things" about which she obsessed.

Some researchers believe that OCD involving sex may be the same as nymphomania in some cases. I don't know the answers, but I am telling you what is known and talked about.

In my estimation, if your senses tell you that there is an affair brewing (and with all of the secrecy and intimate conversation I say that there probably is), and with this impending business deal with lots of private time spent together, then it seems likely that you should be expecting this to happen.

You have basically three options:

  • -confront her and try to head it off before it happens; from what you say, this will not work and might help her "justify" her actions and make YOU responsible for them; (You drove her too it by your suspicious mind.)
  • -ignore it and suffer in sllence (if you can) and suffer months or years of consequences in your relationship
  • -take it as a deal-breaker and move on with your life without her

If she is a narcissist, and I believe that she might be, she will never level with you or be honest with you unless you have the "Polaroids" to prove it. Then you will still be blamed.

This is a hard time for you.. It is time to worry, or to take action. I wish you strength, courage, and wisdom.

Warm regards,
Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I am going to hit the accept answer button with this reply so I don't know if you will get it or not. Thank you for the quick response, and you are right on with the manipulation of others by skillfully using "tales" which are not quite or even remotely true. I see her do it with others and I know she does it with me. Interestingly, her affair in the past was my fault, she never really admitted to be much at fault at all, and in when questioned regarding the need for private time now, she responded with a blast of anger and deflection, much like previously when when she was actually banging the guy......I realize this is a manuever when she wants to hide something...so let it ride a while and see what happens (perhaps enjoying a little nymphomania along the way) or ending a 30+ year marriage that is generally happy.....well option can always be taken, but once taken, it cannot be undone......so I will defer that for now.......if I want to ask you another question or followup on this how do I do that?
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions