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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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My name is XXXXX XXXXX have been in relationship for 6 years. I

Customer Question

My name is XXXXX XXXXX have been in relationship for 6 years.

I fell in love with my partner on the very first date, 6 moths later, we decided we want to have a child, Meggie is 4 now, and recently we "discovered" we are pregnant again.
Through all those years i have discovered my partner is not the one i would imagine would be suitable to me. Although she is the most beautiful girl i have ever seen, there is a long list of reasons i dont want it anymore is getting longer each day: intelectual level is not the same /she finish primary school, i went to college/, she doesnt speak right english, she cooks terribly, she doesnt do the b/job, she doesnt clean after herself - make up, dishes, piles of unwashed clothes. I am foreign in her country, my family is miles away, and her family doesnt seem to have too much to offer - cant ask for babysitting cos mother is an alcoholic, and father has other things to do rather than minding children. Its their grandson for gods sake!
I have been talking to her, but it came to the stage: "If you dont like the way i am, it is not my problem". Every day i am getting deeper and deeper into regret.
On the other hand, i dont think i would be emotionally strong to leave family with 2 kids for the sake of restarting everything all over.
I try my best everyday to find positives - she may do great with kids, she did something thoughtfull etc. But once i feel she doesnt really know me, or is to shallow to understand what i am saying, i am getting back to thinking that i am making steps backwards in my life while i am with her.

I wonder if you had any straighforward answer that will help me make a decision.

Thanks in advance.

Mark.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear Mark,

Your situation sounds dire, indeed. The biggest sticking point to abandoning the marriage, is your child and another on the way. I'm certain that this is a major obstacle to just packing it in.

You might have to do that, but in order to know in your heart that you gave it your best try, you must find a competent and intelligent marriage and family therapist, and see if you can make any headway.

I know that this will only possible solve some of the differences that you have - her housekeeping skills, her personal hygiene, and a few other sore spots. It will not affect her intellect, although she might learn in counselling that she needs to learn some more skills including culinary ones.

I understand that this is probably mostly window-dressing, and your dissatisfaction with her runs much deeper than this. This first step is necessary because it will either result in you being more satisfied with the relationship, or will help you to reach closure on what you have to do.

If she rejects the idea of therapy, then she is closing the door.

If this is causing you great distress because you are ready to move on and don't know how to get started, I suggest that you speak to both an individual counselor, because it is important to be able to discuss this with a neutral professional person, and with a legal cousellor, who can focus your mind on the legal technicalities and responsibilities and liabilities that you will face upon initiating or completing a divorce.

Let me further recommend a couple of books available at www.amazon.co.uk:

The 10 Stupidest Mistakes Men Make When Facing Divorce: And How to Avoid Them by Joseph Cordell\

Vicki Lansky's Divorce Book for Parents: Helping Your Children with Divorce and Its Aftermath by Vicki Lansky

I hope that this gives you some encouragement and direction.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell,LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

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