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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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Hi I need some advice: Me and my boyfriend have together

Resolved Question:

Hi I need some advice:

Me and my boyfriend have together for 5 months now. Its like I know I found the one. Having dating very little guys before I lived to except myself rather than spending/wasting time on boyfriends. my boyfriend is currently away for three weeks already, we used to be together since we started dating and at most be two weeks apart. we had two different jobs. Now we planned a life together but he needed to leave urgently as he has a very complaining and attention seeking father. He need to be doing useless jobs around the house and all the "dirty jobs" like a PA. He is outdoor man and have no interest in doing what he currently doing. His father is very demanding. There is currently no plan on how to see each other again although its a mutual feeling that we want to be together but cant due to circumstances. I am getting more and more needy because I want answers and plans forward. He seems to be so at peace with everything while I am feeling like dying because i need him now and I miss him around me. I want him to man-up and tell his father his got other people in his life too that he needs to pay attention too. My patience is fading and I dont see a way how to be with him.

What do I do?
Should I play hard to get? How?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer. I am very sorry to hear what is going on. Oh my, how upsetting this must be for you. I don't think that there is anything much you can do. Let me explain why I think the way I do about this situation. You see the situation isn't because he doesn't want to be with you --- the situation is that he is terrified of his father and even though he wants to be with you he is much, much too frightened of going against his father's orders.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So playing hard to get or doing anything that would surely win him over will not work because he can't do what he wants. He is terrified of defying his father.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

He can't man-up, unfortunately.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I'll explain further. All of us repeat our past. If it was a good past, we repeat that and then that's great, then no problem. If it's a bad past, we repeat that, too.Unless a person gets treatment for this they cannot move beyond repeating their past.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You there?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Wondering what your thoughts are?

Customer:

Hi there

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So I really don't think what is happening has to do with him not wanting to be with you but with him being too frightened to defy his father.There is not an easy answer to what it is he is experiencing. But there definitely is an answer.First, let me tell you that I am a psychoanalyst ( which means that in addition to a PhD in psychology I have another 10 plus years of training) and understand very well what you are talking about. I deal with these issues everyday in my practice. By that I mean there is a concept, that I will try briefly to explain to you, that as a psychoanalyst, I need to deal with all the time. Let me explain. All of us --- you, me, your friends, everybody repeats their past. We internalize what went on when we are young and then merely repeat symbolically, if not literally what happened when we were growing up. As I said, if it was a good past --- then no problem. We are repeating a good past. However when the past was not good we repeat that too. We do not have the capacity to not repeat the past. The theory behind that is we keep repeating the "trauma" --- problem --- over and over again with the hope that we master the problem. But low and behold we keep repeating and never resolve the problem. So, you might ask, what should he do? None of us is capable of changing how our past influences the present.He would need to seek out a therapist.All of us try to resolve the problems we have experienced as children but low and behold, we merely repeat the past over and over with the hope of changing things but nothing ever changes. Only therapy can help change how the past influences the present.



Maybe, if at some point when you do speak with him you might be able to explain all this to him.I'll pause here and await your response to see if there is anything you would like to add so that we may continue with our chat. Do add whatever you want and then when I check back I'll respond. If you have other questions, don't hesitate to ask. If I have answered your questions, please click on ACCEPT and leave feedback. Bonuses are always appreciated. You can always ask more questions even after you have clicked on Accept. Just put Dr. Shirley Schaye before your response and I will be the one to respond.

Customer:

You are right he is too frightened of his father, but then how can he tell me that he wants to marry me and have a life with me! He father is pretty wealthy which is of no importance to me because I can work for my own money but he is dependable on that money. The only solution his father made was too say, If his son can put another working contract on the table he can go otherwise he must fullfill his duties at home or where ever. To brainstorm and find a job together is very hard for me.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Oh but he can say that because that's what he wants to do but he is too frightened to do it.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Has he done anything to look for a job?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

He should be the one to look for a job.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

How old is he?

Customer:

I think so! I have just undergone major surgery and he was not allowed to come and attend to me. His father told him if he leaves to come help me he might as well never come home again

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!!! My goodness --- how trapped he must feel!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Customer:

Yes we share the same interest and we are looking for a job together since I have a company of my own at the moment on the sideline and are flexible to do something else

Customer:

he teeeeellllls me that all the time how trapped he is!

Customer:

he is 26

Customer:

i turn 28 this year

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So it seems that if he wants to be with you he must look for a job. That's the free ticket. If he gets a job he could leave.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Boy is he ever trapped by this horrible father.

Customer:

You have it! Thats our ticket! I just dont know...maybe I thought that if I play hard to get he will miss me or I dont know, what I do know is there is really no one else for me. What we have when we are together is like pot and lid and i think that comes only once!!!!!

Customer:

should i leave him?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So let's go to you now. I heard you. I know you love him. But what you need to have from him is a commitment that he should look for a job so that he can leave.

Customer:

my agony is killing me i cant even sound happy over the phone because we are growing apart everyday! I can feel it! fewer messages, less phone calls and so on

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I see we're on the same page. I typed what I did before you typed should you leave him.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You should if you see that he is not doing everything in his power to get a job AND make a commitment to you that he will leaVE HIS ABUSIVE FATHER.

Customer:

but who knows hoe long that can take!!! I cant hang around forever

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

That's right --- you bet, you can't hang around forever!

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Give yourself a time limit --- of what works for you and then if things are still in the same place you've got to leave.

Customer:

its just hard to think i am going back to that alone life again! I have been on my own sooo long even got a dog in the meantime! but then on the other hand I feel to stop my clingy needy answering behaviour of mine! because it doesnt help anyway! His father and I used to get very along because I am more mature but when he saw i stood up for love and called him and told him he is being unfair to me and my partner i think i stepped on some toes!

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

The pot and lid doesn't just come once. Now you have the lid with no pot given what is going on with him and his father.

Customer:

so just call back when he calls just carry on? sms him to remind him of love OR leave it to come from him more than me at the moment?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

See, what you did was act normal --- you stood up to his father. He knows having lived with his father all his life that one cannot do that with him.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So, as I said you should tell him you will wait for awhile but you cannot wait forever. He needs to get a job and move on.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I know how hard this is but if he cannot be there for you what good is that??????

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

The ball is in his court.

Customer:

yes that is right!! Sad life hey! Cant imagine mine without him! jeeez why are there situations like this in life :)

Customer:

Thanks!!

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You there?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Oh, ok, I didn't see what you entered.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Yeah, it's sad. It's unfortunate isn't it!

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

But I want to say this to you --- Before I do, I'll say my responsibility is to be protective of you. YOu are very intelligent, sensitive, and an aware person. You have a lot going for you. He most definitely is going to need treatment to free his soul from this horribly abusive father so that even if he moves away he is going to take his past with him. As I said, you have a lot going for you. I know it's lonely without someone but if he can't come around, it will happen.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You will need to be open to meeting someone else, if that is the case and it will happen.

Customer:

Yes, its hard to hear and even think about it but I know its the truth!

Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience: PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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