How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Doctor Kevin Your Own Question

Doctor Kevin
Doctor Kevin, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1482
Experience:  24 years in a private practice
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Doctor Kevin is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My Girlfriend and myself have been togather for two years. We

Customer Question

My Girlfriend and myself have been togather for two years.
We both love each other very much(no dout about it) however
we fight all the time.
It has been getting more intence and more often as time goes on.
I myself say crule and sometimes very disrespectful things to the
love of my life.
She has got physical and has been beating on me & also we both have broken
one another persnol belongings, not to mention each others hearts.
We allways come togather some how and work things out.
I think its her not meeting me in the middle & she thinks that it is me not meeting her in the middle.
Also we are in our early 40s.
I realy love this woman and dont want to let her go,
However i am starting to think that we might be better off seperating.
I cant imagine going to sleep with out her or wakeing up with out her!
I have tryed being stern with her.
I have been overly nice.
i have tryed to meet in the middle but everthing allways somehow ends up in a huge fight.
She is a good woman and does a grate deal for me, however she can get down right ruthless.
What can i do to put her in check and stop crule coments that i have for a methed of defence?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 2 years ago.

Kevin Kappler :

Thank you for choosing JustAnswer!

Kevin Kappler :

It is always so tragic when a couple's anger takes on a life of its own and starts to feed on both of you. Seeing you getting cruel as the angry words jump out of your mouth and run around the room screaming.

Kevin Kappler :

You need to focus on the things. The first is learning to fight fair and try to reach a resolution to the disagreement. Second is to learn how to gauge your own anger enough to be able to deal with hers when she gets out of control. Throwing things, hitting you and saying things that she later regrets are all things that you can reduce and control.

Kevin Kappler :

Start by learning how to fight fair.

All married couples have arguments, or rather fights. How you fight is the key to whether or not you will have a successful, long term marriage. Fighting fairly with respect for one another is a critical marital skill that you must learn. The way you fight can often tell psychologists more than what you fight about. If done correctly, conflict and healthy, fair fighting, can strengthen your marriage. Don't let little things that bother you build up until one of you explodes the issue into a large fight. That's not fighting fair in your marriage. If you are angry about something and don't try to talk about it with your spouse within 48 hours, let it go. Otherwise, you are not fighting fair. If your spouse doesn't want to discuss the matter, set an appointment within the next 24 hours to have your fair fight. It is okay to go to bed angry. You need your sleep. Just make sure that the issue is addressed the next day. Fighting fair means you know what the issue is. Then, both of you stick to the subject. Keep your fight between the two of you. Don't bring in third parties like your mother-in-law, his best friend, or your children. Fighting fair means you don't hit below the belt. Respect your spouse. Fighting fair means you don't bring up past history. Fighting fair means no name calling. Even endearing terms and pet names can be hurtful when you are using a sarcastic tone. Be careful how you use humor. Laughter is good, but teasing can be misinterpreted and can be hurtful. Listen to one another fully while you fight. This includes watching body language. Look at one another while you speak. Don't interrupt during your fight. Fighting fair means you don't blame one another make accusations. Try to use 'I' sentences instead of 'you' sentences. If the two of you are not extremely angry, try to hold hands while talking during your fight. Be open to asking for forgiveness and being willing to forgive. Even though it may be hard to forgive your spouse, not forgiving can cause more harm both emotionally and physically to yourself and to your marriage. Holding a grudge is letting someone else live in your head rent free. Remember to not fight to win, but to fight for your relationship. Conflict is not the problem. All married couples have disagreements. It's not knowing how to effectively argue that creates difficulty in a marriage. Don't use the words "never" and "always" in your statements to one another. Do not yell. Do not scream. Do not talk in a threatening tone.

Kevin Kappler :

I will wait till you read this part and have some questions. After that I will focus on learning to control her anger. I am avalible tomorrow from 9 till 10 AM then after 6PM PST. I will answer any questions then and suggest some other ideas.

Kevin Kappler :

As promised my next part of this is to learn to control her anger. First you have to realize that if this situation continues to escalate you will lose control of your anger and the situation. My basic premise is this: it takes two people to agree to have an argument to have one. If one agrees and the other says no then it is a diatribe. So you must have a better idea of your own anger and its warning signs.

Kevin Kappler :

Unless we make a continuous effort to deal with anger as it arises, our relationship will suffer. Anger is particularly destructive in relationships. When we live in close contact with someone, our personalities, priorities, interests, and ways of doing things frequently clash. Since we spend so much time together, and since we know the other person’s shortcomings so well, it is very easy for us to become critical and short-tempered with our partner and to blame him or her for making our life uncomfortable. Unless we make a continuous effort to deal with this anger as it arises, our relationship will suffer. A couple may genuinely love one another, but if they frequently get angry with each other the times when they are happy together will become fewer and further between. Eventually there will come a point when before they have recovered from one row the next has already begun. Like a flower choked by weeds, love cannot survive in such circumstances. We should remember that every opportunity to develop anger is also an opportunity to develop patience. In a close relationship, opportunities to get angry arise many times a day, so to prevent the build-up of bad feelings we need to deal with anger as soon as it begins to arise in our mind. We clear away the dishes after every meal rather than waiting until the end of the month, because we do not want to live in a dirty house nor be faced with a huge, unpleasant job. In the same way, we need to make the effort to clear away the mess in our mind as soon as it appears, for if we allow it to accumulate it will become more and more difficult to deal with, and will endanger our relationship. We should remember that every opportunity to develop anger is also an opportunity to develop patience. A relationship in which there is a lot of friction and conflict of interests is also an unrivalled opportunity to erode away our self-cherishing and self-grasping, which are the real sources of all our problems. Anger creates enemies It is through our anger and hatred that we transform people into enemies. We generally assume that anger arises when we encounter a disagreeable person, but actually it is the anger already within us that transforms the person we meet into our imagined foe. Someone controlled by their anger lives within a paranoid view of the world, surrounded by enemies of his or her own creation. The false belief that everyone hates him can become so overwhelming that he might even go insane, the victim of his own delusion.

Kevin Kappler :

What will you do if your wife is angry at you? Most men don't know how to deal with an angry wife. If your wife is upset or angry don't get defensive about it. If you get blamed for something, then your wife has a reason to be angry with you. When someone is angry they have been really hurt. That's why closest members of your family usually know how to make you mad and what buttons to push. Sometimes this member of your family can be your wife. If she is angry and tries to make you mad too, try to understand that she is really hurt and wants you too feel her pain. It might be unfair that those who suffer want you to experience the same pain, but don't get offensive over it. The first reaction would be that you want to defend yourself and prove her wrong but don't do it. So, what should you do? Let her finish her talk and tell her you understand how she feels. Listen to what she wants from you, maybe she wants you to apologize or maybe she wants you to just listen, if she doesn't give any clues then simply ask her what she wants. Rephrase what you hear she wants from you. Forgive. Don't hold any resentments after your arguments. Resentments drives people apart, so never let resentment stand between you and her. Resolve conflict completely by mutual understanding and affection.

Kevin Kappler :

I see that you are still offline. There may be some things here that don't apply bu hopefully you see what I am saying. Please let me know your reaction and remember that I don't get paid unless you accept

Kevin Kappler :

I am still avalible and will be for another 6 hours.

Kevin Kappler :

I will be online for another hour and then return in the late afternoon till midnight. I am interested in your reaction to my interpretation. If you are satisfied please remember that I don't get paid unless you click the accept button.

Kevin Kappler :

I need to inform you of the situation as it stands so you can decide what to do. You have made the effort to ask and receive a response to your question. That item has been timed out because you have accepted the repose but not clicked the acceptance button. As a result you have my hard work and compassion and I have no payment. If there is anything else I can do as an expert let me know or address it in a separate response addressed to me and I will gladly answer it.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency