Sometimes when you push people away they aren't there when you come around. You created this emotional distance and that can change someone's feelings. The only person that knows if they will return is her. You can't push people away when you are going through something. A couple shares everything. You have to learn how to be a couple when there are problems. And now you have to convince her that you can do that. You can at this point only apologize for your behavior. She is either ready to accept that or not. Telling her how you feel and why things will be different is your only option. It may be a bad time now if she is having exams but it's never too late. She will be able to decide if the relationship is worth saving. As far as the guys are concerned it sounds like she is considering other options. Either she has put herself out there as available or they are inappropriate messages from guys she knows. Either way she needs to respect the relationship and your feelings.
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While I certainly understand your desire to know what she is thinking, the truth of that matter is that you won't know unless you ask her. Blocking you on Facebook is a common tactic these days when people get angry...but I don't think you should assume that this is true unless you have an opportunity to talk to her.
The fact remains that you were rude to her and pushed her away before leaving the country. That had to have hurt. Certainly that lead to some concerns about trust.
It sounds to me like an awful lot of "game playing" has gone on between you and that neither of you is being 100% honest about your feelings. Good relationships are built on honesty. If you are willing to be that honest, trusting guy then you have something to offer her. If you're not...then you're not.
It does seem like a lot of healing needs to happen between the two of you if you have any chance to build a loving, healthy relationship. Is that what you want?
You write that you don't know how to approach her. The only answer I can provide is to be 100% honest...honest about the untruths you told about when you were leaving the country, honest about where your heart is, honest about what you want with this relationship.
As to her saying she doesn't want a relationship right now. Perhaps that is her truth. If so, you may have to be patient and wait for her to do the work of gaining in independence.
With all the game playing that both of you have done in the past, it certainly is difficult - and maybe even frustration - to understand what is true.
Kudos to you for acknowledging your own feelings and putting out the idea of taking it easy and attempting to regain trust and respect. That truly is the best way to proceed here. Only with time, commitment, and truth telling will you be able to determine if this relationship will succeed.
It certainly is possible that her motivation is to use you to ease her own feelings. Equally possible is that she is truly wanting to patch things up by leaving the door wide open.
But again, you can't mind read her, nor can you change her. All you can do is to follow your own heart and make the best decisions you can for your life and your future. If this is someone that you want to invest time in, then do so.
To some degree, both of you seem "stuck" - unable to go forward or backward. Perhaps you will need to sit in that stuck position for a bit and do some soul searching as to what you truly want here.
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Her acknowledging that she doesn't know what she wants is admirable. And it confirms what I suspected all along - she's conflicted and doesn't know want she wants. I'm glad that you are doing some communicating - that means the door is still open.
As I said before, YOU are not sure what you want. While you are away, use the time wisely to examine your own motivations to reunite. Is it about real love, or about convenience? What brought you happiness in the relationship? Is this enough to build a future on?
It is far too easy to jump back in an old relationship without doing the work of understanding what drove you apart...and conversely...what holds you together.
YOU need to make a decision about this girl for you. Remember, you have one and only one life to lead.
Dr . Levang
And...please press the Accept button. You can always post another question to me in the future.
Wow. Not sure what to make of her behavior...was she telling the truth, or being rude and mean as a way to make you jealous. Hard to tell.
As best you can, I encourage you to not get overly heated about this. Long distance relationships are cumbersome and difficult to manage. Some people don't have the patience for such things, nor the necessary qualities of loyalty and self-sacrifice.
YOU need to decide what you want. For now, take the time away as an opportunity to work on your own goals and priorities for a love relationship. No matter what happens here, you will be in a better place when you return to pursue love.
I agree - rebound relationship. Yes...very typical behavior for someone who doesn't know how to end relationships in a respectful and loving way. And/or indicative of someone who doesn't want to be alone, or lonely, or on their own. There is often an inability to be self-sufficient or independent. That is, always needing some one in their life as a crutch.
In reality, you will likely be a "ghost" in this rebound relationship.
Cool, calm, collected!
Definitely not needy, clingy.
If there is to be a new chapter, she will have some explaining to do, will have to offer some sort of apology, and be committed to repairing the broken trust.
Rebound relationships don't tend to last. She's likely using him as a way to clear her mind.
Yes...I think there could be a new chapter.
Be patient. Keep the door open...
Hmmm...she can't stop thinking about you, compares you to others, doesn't think it will work with anyone else...but doesn't want me back. Do you see her confused thinking here?
She doesn't know what she wants. Okay. We can understand her confusion. You are away. She got lonely. She wanted attention. She finds a substitute for you. That substitute guy doesn't take away how she felt about you like she thought he would. Now...what does she do? She has no idea.
Meanwhile, you are away. You won't be back for 4 months. You believe that you can have a long-distance relationship and, if though you might get lonely, you don't go out and find a substitute girlfriend. You are patient, loyal, and are holding on to the relationship.
Is the picture getting clearer here?
You get to choose what you want to do with your life. She gets to choose what she is going to do with her life. It appears that before you left, the two of you made some sort of commitment to uphold the relationship during your absence. You kept that commitment. She hasn't.
Again, each of you has to decide what you want. You have the choice to stay committed to her and, when you come back in 4 months, to see if you can pick up the pieces. Or, you can say forget it, I'm not waiting for her. She also gets to make choices here as to how she wants to handle this.
Clearly she doesn't know what she wants. Are you willing to give her the room to figure this out? Or, have you had enough?
It would be easy for you to say...she's out dating...then so should I. However, I would caution you not to make a rash decision like that. If you truly believe that you want to mend this relationship on your return, then be extremely careful in how you proceed. You certainly do not want to add more turmoil on to the situation.
I hope this helps.
Her motivation for talking to you is a bit strange. I think it would be best to come right out and ask her what she wants. For example, Why do you want to keep talking to me when you are in another relationship? Do you want my help in improving your relationship with him? Or do you my help in getting over me?
Once you find out what she wants, then you have the choice whether to keep talking to her or not. If she wants you to help her with her new relationship...the answer is No. I'm not willing to do that. If it is to help her get over you...the answer is No. I have my own work to do to heal from this relationship and I'm not willing to do your work to.
Do you see where I am going here?
She can only USE you, if you let her. I think you are capable of making a wise choice!
As to what someone told you about your staying in the picture helps her new relationship. Mind reading never works. You have no idea how this guy thinks and you have no real idea what she is up to. Talking to you may lead him to be jealous and, therefore, work hard to keep their relationship going strong. But even then it's all based on falseness. I don't think this should be your concern. What you need to stay focused on is what you want and how you feel.
Please remember to press the Green Accept button!
She continues to sound very confused. Without you being there on the ground, it's quite difficulty to know exactly what is going on.
You put your cards on the table and that was the right move for you to make. All you can control is your half of the relationship.
I think it might be time for you to back off a bit and let her make the next few moves. You've shared your feelings, said you are standing firm in your loyalty to her.
Her saying that she's not sure if your relationship is worth saving just demonstrates again how unsure she is. You could counter by saying, "I believe it is worth saving and I'm willing to put in the work to do so." When you decide what you want, let me know.
I wouldn't be so quick to answer her emails or otherwise communicate with her. This on again off again thing is going to get tiring for you and it may cause you to throw up your hands in disgust and back out completely. You might need to go so far as to say, "Unless you have something positive to talk about, then I've heard enough about your uncertainly about a future with me."
You are not a puppet on a string!
A big fat NO to sending her any more money. You are not a bank! Nor a cash machine! Nor a money tree! You get my point here.
In my experience, relationships that are held together by money are a poor investment for the one handing out the dollars. One doesn't know if its love that is fueling the relationship or the lure of money.
Her statement that "...no intention of being with me now....misses me....wants what's between us to be as ambigous as it is now" strongly suggests it is about money and not about building a relationship.
The possibility she throws out of renting a room from you and living with you a few months seems like another ploy to get to your wallet.
I'm sorry..but she appears to be selfish and not at all concerned about you...but about herself.
I encourage you to be very cautious. I am not hearing anything on her part that suggests she wants to work toward a healthy relationship with you.
Well...her defensiveness indicates that perhaps she is not telling the whole truth. If she asks you for money, then you have the right to ask why she wants to borrow it so you can decide if its a good risk or not! Yes...sounds like she is taking you for a mug and that you are right in being suspicious.
Please do not get caught up in her getting angry and calling you horrible! That's just another attempt to get you to pity her and give her what she wants.
I applaud the thinking you have done about this. Yes...it does appear that she used the time while you were away to see what else was out there and now that she has broken off with this last relationship, she wants you back. Well...you have far too much self-worth to fall into that old trap. She was disrespectful to your relationship during these months, she was hurtful, she destroyed your trust. That she is not willing to talk about what occurred while you were gone by being honest and open about her behavior is just another sign of her immaturity and inability to be engaged in a healthy relationship. I think what you have learned about her is that she is not the kind of woman you want to have a future with. She betrayed you, she took advantage of you, she was not committed.
I am sorry this has happened. Long-distance relationships are difficult..but often the true personality of the individuals are revealed. Painful as this is, her actions certainly point to the reality that she is not the person you once thought.
If you want to have a cordial relationship with her going forward...okay. But today there is no trust in your heart..that may never change for you.
I agree that the money could have been some kind of "hook" to keep the two of you connected. I think there was also an element of a "test" - if you would have given her money when she pressured you over those several days she would have used that as evidence to say that you were still committed, or at least involved.
It was a good thing that you did not send money. That was a clear sign of your unwillingness to be "used".
What you do when you see her in June really will depend on how you are feeling at the time. She has not lived up to any sort of commitment to you while you were away. She has acted immaturely and not been honest. With the lack of trust you have, there would have to be a great deal of repair work done to salvage a love relationship.
Before you meet her, I encourage you to think seriously about your own goals and desires. Could she possibly be a friend? Or truly is it time to move on to a new relationship? If the thought of being friends has no appeal to you...then I say end it and go about getting settled back in to life and work to develop a new relationship.