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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Hi, I recently saw my ex-girlfriend for the first time since

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Hi, I recently met up with my ex-girlfriend for the first time since I broke up with her, and have been thinking about it ever since. When I ended our over 2 year relationship, I told her that I didn't want her out of my life completely because I truly do care about her. She, understandably, rejected that and wanted to just make a clean break of things with no contact which I respected and honored. After 8 months of our only communication being Happy Birthday texts, we saw each other while mourning the loss of a common friend. Our interaction was very pleasant and seemed like it would have been the same even in normal circumstances. I realized that I still do care about her and would like to have some sort of contact with her. We didn't get into details about each others romantic lives (I am single) so I don't know if she's moved on in that respect, but she has made some improvements in her life that I am genuinely happy about for her.


I feel embarrassed to write this next part but it's necessary for full disclosure. I am searching my soul for the reasons why I've thought so much about our encounter. Is it out of jealousy, as she seems to have progressed along just fine without me? (that is incredibly pathetic to actually read. I loathe my thought/emotional processes that produced such an uncaring, immature, selfish notion, as though she should still be heartbroken and just waiting for me to ask for her back. I am ashamed at this.)


Part of the reason I ended our relationship was because she was in an unhealthy living situation and frequently let those issues carry over into our relationship. Am I considering now that things between us would be different since she has changed that part of her life and seems to be in a good living environment?


I certainly do not want to hurt her again and am sincerely XXXXX XXXXX the thoughts in the intial question of the 2nd paragraph. I also realize that this may be all moot if she wants nothing further to do with me and/or has begun a new relationship, but I had such strong feelings and made a such a personal investment in our time together that I wanted to get these feelings out and have them professionally assessed. There is certainly more to this the deeper I think about it, but I would appreciate feedback on the situation so far.


Thanks.

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.

Don't be embarrassed about feeling jealousy. When partners move on, even if we are in a healthy relationship, there is a part of us that wants them to not be in one. That is human. It is that ugly little side of us that says we broke up so you shouldn't have made these great changes. It is okay to feel resentful or jealous or even angry. That is natural. We want the other person to not move too fast and mourn our relationship. It causes us to wonder if things could be different. You look at the person and go "what if". It is questionable whether this can develop into something. Usually the older problems are always there. They don't just go away. But you can have closure now and move on knowing that she is okay. It is up to you to decide what you want the boundaries of this relationship to be. But don't feel badly about any feelings you are having regarding her moving on. It is natural to feel jealous.

 

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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
psychlady and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks for the response.

Is jealousy the reason why I keep having thoughts and images of her with another guy? This meetup I referred to in the first post just happened on Monday and for the past 2 nights and mornings the last/first thing in my mind has been her either laughing & having a great time or phone conversation with some guy or being sexual with him. For example, we had long talked about going on a cruise and this morning I woke up to a "fantasy" of her in her cabin with another guy and generally seeming to have the time of her life. This has been happening later on the day as well when I am starting the winding down process of getting ready for bed.

When we met this past Monday, she was telling me about her new house and commented that she was showing it to a ... (she hesitated) friend and he (my emphasis) made a certain comment about it. I keep replaying that moment over and over and driving myself crazy. I mean, I certainly expected her to move on seeing that its been 8 months now but just hearing about the possibility of it is nauseating and consuming.

This seems very obssessive and possessive and is just gnawing at my emotions. These mental images and flashes of her introducing another guy to her family and friends to basically replace me are obvioulsly not conducive to my health, yet it almost seems like I am originating and kindling them in some sinister plot against myself.

What do you make of this?
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
ok
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ok?
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.

You may just be having these thoughts because the meeting jogged the feelings you had for her. It could have reminded you of how you feel about her and she is in the forefront at this time. It is very common when you are faced with an ex you can imagine any range of thoughts including what their life is now with another person. Think of this phase as a "what if" period of meeting her. In reality these feelings and these fantasies will taper off as they did when you broke up. You have to decide how you are going to distract from the thoughts of her with something else. If she has moved on use that as closure as a way to move on again. Usually the best strategy for moving on is to not initiate or accept any more meetings, communications or interactions with her. It is too unsettling.

 

 

psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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