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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1812
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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I just turned 30 and i feel alittle depressed that Im not

Resolved Question:

I just turned 30 and i feel alittle depressed that I'm not engaged yet. I have only had two relationships. First one was 10 years and present is 3 years. I'm thinking maybe I should
have stuck with my ex boyfriend and I would be engaged now. The reason why I broker up with the first one was due to trust issues. The second one I completely trust but is busy
doing his mba. For the current relationship, i find him more controlling and sometimes could be as not as kind hearted as the first one. The first one was more kind, caring, laid back and affectionate and I miss that. I'm confused and I feel like I'm running out of time. Please help. I appreciate your advice on this situation.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

JenK :

Hello, thank for joining me. Please forgive any typos as I get very immersed in my work with you and sometimes my brain goes faster than my fingers.

JenK :

I am sorry for your current discomfort around this issue. I am trying to see where this pressure is coming from...is it all internal or are you getting this message elsewhere that somehow you "should" be engaged by age 30. You miss certain things about your first boyfriend but you had trust issues with him.

JenK :

You enjoy this relationship but have some issues with it and he is busy with school.

Customer:

Hello

JenK :

Is it possible that you just haven't found the right one for you?

Customer:

I dont know where the pressure is coming from.. perhaps my grandma has talked to me about it.. it crossed my mind but im not ready to get married yet

Customer:

that's a good question, i dont know if he is the right one but i do not want to be single

JenK :

Not uncommon to get the pressures from family...especially from Grandmas who may have values from a different time. Now people are tending to get married a bit later and you are the first to say you are not ready. Maybe you are just experiencing this discontent in your relationship and worried to start all over again?

JenK :

So are you saying it is better to stay with the wrong one than be single?

JenK :

tell me more about it and I am not saying he is or isnt the right one, only to open up the dialogue so we can get to your feelings.

Customer:

My current bf comes from a different background, in terms of culture and social status. My ex is from the same background as me. I feel like my current bf could be too strict


 

JenK :

And are you missing #1 because #2 isn't feeling like the right one. You mentioned trust issues with #1 and how would that play out

Customer:

I dated him since high school. He broke my trust when I saw text messages from a girl saying he loves him


 

JenK :

and what is his status now? Are you in touch?

Customer:

He is single and yes he has recently been in touch with me

JenK :

ok, so I am thinking this is less about the marriage issue and more about you maybe wanting to go back to him?

JenK :

and hoping marriage can be in the future with him.

Customer:

hmm.. maybe

JenK :

ok so lets play this out. Do you want out of your current relationship?

Customer:

the main thing stopping me from going back to my ex is his family could hate me coz i was the one who broke up with him in the first place

Customer:

I don't know coz i'm already used to him

JenK :

And that can always be a tough spot when reconnecting but I wonder if it isnt deeper. What about the trust issue?

JenK :

to be blunt...I'm used to him doesn't say much about strong feelings for him.

Customer:

The trust issue could be a mixture of my feelings of jealousy / his flirting with other girls

Customer:

There's alot that went on in that 10 years with my ex but i do not know

JenK :

Yes and it makes me think why would those feelings be any different this time around.

JenK :

Any of those trust issues come up with your current boyfriend?

Customer:

there were also communication issues with my ex.. the reason why i like the current one is that we have good communication

JenK :

well then what is putting this bug in your head to be with the ex? Because you think he will want marriage sooner than current guy?

Customer:

with my current boyfriend, he did upset me by flirting with girls infront of me.. he denies it was flirting and he claims that if has anything to hide then he would do it behind my back

JenK :

That doesn't lend a lot of trust.

Customer:

my current bf has not done anything that would break my trust.. it was mostly flirting

Customer:

what do you mean that doesnt lend a lot of trust?

JenK :

I hear more positive statements for staying in your current relationship but hear the worry in you that it may not lead to marriage

Customer:

I have no idea where im getting the bug

JenK :

his flirting and saying he would do it behind your back can make someone feel mistrust.

JenK :

Maybe just because he has contacted you.

Customer:

i dont know if i said that right, what he said was he did not do anything bad behind my back

JenK :

oh ok.

JenK :

i got it.

JenK :

If we took the pressure of marriage away what are we left with in terms of your confusion?

Customer:

I'm also scared that my current bf would be too controlling and if i'll be used to the lifestyle that my current bf chooses.. he likes to work alot and have too much structure in his schedule.. i like to have balance between work and leisure .. after work

Customer:

sorry i entered before i finish

JenK :

So I am hearing more about concerns about whether your current is the one for you.

JenK :

Can you imagine being without him?

JenK :

Are you prepared to be single or will you return to your ex quickly so you aren't alon

Customer:

that's a hard question.. i have to think about that deeper..

Customer:

im not prepared to be single..

JenK :

yes this is what I want you to do and you may not have the answers tonight thse may be things you need to think about over time

JenK :

what's difficult for you about being single

Customer:

that i would feel lonely.. all my bestfriends are married / in a relationship


 


 


 

JenK :

I understand those feelings and it is hard when your friends are married.

JenK :

So what would you like from me? My guess is you would like to hear that you should go back with your ex and see where it leads.

Customer:

i do not know.. im confused

JenK :

I can hear that and I think my suggestion would be to sit tight and not make any rash decisions. Spend some time with your feelings and ask yourself some of these deeper questions. Pay attention to how you feel in your current relationship and if it is what and who you want even if marriage is not right around the corner.

Customer:

If you were me based on the information i have given, do you think the current one is better the my ex?

Customer:

better than my ex i meant

JenK :

I know you would love for me to answer that but you know that I cannot possibly know that...that feeling is inside you I can only help you to dig them out.

JenK :

I can hear the confusion which is why I am suggesting to sit tight and pay attention to all of it around you and really see how you feel and not think about it in terms of marriage because if it isn't right now then it won't be right in marriage.

JenK :

I know this work is tough but it is necessary for you to do it.

Customer:

i still have a few more question but grab dinner..this is my first time here..i was until when will you be in this chat?

Customer:

sorry i mean i need to grab dinner

JenK :

I will be winding up now but i can spend about 5 more minutes now if you want to remain on for a bit more

JenK :

If you cant and are satisfied with our time together please hit accept so I am credited for my work.

Customer:

yes i will do that.. my last question will probably be.. with my current i get alittle paranoid because of his background.. he's pakistani but did not grow up there.. and my grandma said that they beat their wives.. lol.. sometimes it crosses my mind..

JenK :

Grandma sounds like a funny lady. You have been together for 3 years has he shown any violence toward you?

Customer:

he doesnt show any signs of violence but he does pinch me which does not hurt if i end up annoying me.. my ex never pinch or do anything like that..

Customer:

lol.. you know old people..

Customer:

nope

JenK :

Thanks for the laugh. trust your instincts with all of this.

Customer:

no prob

JenK :

The answers are within you. If you take away this pressure on yourself about marriage and focus on your feelings that will guide you in your decisions.

Customer:

ok i guess i have to go.. thanks for listening though.. i appreciate it

JenK :

It has been my pleasure. Come back anytime and ask for JenK

Customer:

how can i ask for you?

JenK :

I think if you type in JenK before you ask the question you can get it sent to me. you can also send an email to justanswer and ask how to request a specific expert.

Customer:

thanks again

JenK :

my pleasure. Enjoy your dinner.

Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1812
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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