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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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I have been dating a man for over a year now and I found out

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I have been dating a man for over a year now and I found out that he has a commitment phobia. I realized that he is a man I would like to spend the rest of my life with. I told him about it and he admitted that he seriously considered me to be his future wife and that he sees his future together with. However, we had some arguments in the past that we could not resolve peacefully and we broken up for a couple of times but then got back together. Due to that fact he said that he would like to see more of us, meaning he would like to be together more to be completely sure. He also admitted that he is very cautious about committing not because I cannot be trusted it is because of him and how he perceive a relationship. He admitted that he is scared of commitment but also said he will work on it and he needs time. Well, another issue is that that same time we spoke, I found out that he is talking to a girl on the phone. He said that she is a friend from the past and she contacted him recently and he talked on the phone, he also mentioned that she had some issues with her mother's sickness and he is just being a friend. However, he showed me their call log and I saw that she called him Saturday night after midnight three times. While we together someone called his phone 5 times and after midnight as well. He said it is probably his brother but I think it was that girl. I told him that I do not like it and I do not accept that type of friendships he has. He said that not much he can do because he does not know how to prove me that she is just a friend. He also added that she has a boyfriend and she knows that he has me, which I doubt is true because a girl who has a boyfriend would not dial another man after midnight every 40 minutes. PLease advise me what to do in this situation. I love this man and would like to be with him but he is also is afraid of commitment and he is talking to that other girl (it is not a first time I found he is talking to other women). It is always some girl from the past/college and they always call/text him.

What to do in this situation?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for bringing your question to Just Answer!

 

You know you're not getting a truthful answer from him about this woman. If she has a boyfriend, there's very little chance that she would be calling him after midnight...or that she would need to lean on him when she has a boyfriend.

 

You know he has a commitment problem, and most likely, a history of cheating. Even though you have feelings for him, he's a poor risk for a husband. If he's doing this now, when he should be on his best behavior, imagine how much more he will do it if you ever got married and he can take you for granted.

 

He knows how much this hurts you, yet he refuses to make it stop. Is this how you picture your husband treating you? During the first year or so of a relationship, you're seeing a man at his best. This-- how he's acting right now--is as good as it's ever going to be.

 

A man in love puts his partner's feelings first. He's not doing that. Think about choosing someone instead who devotes himself to making you feel secure, loved, and cherished.

 

A person doesn't--and can't--change his personality because someone asks him to. He is who he is...and he's going to waste a lot of your time while he's "working" on something he can't change without a lot of intensive therapy (his inability to commit).

 

 

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