Good morning. I feel like I am weird for still caring for her. I just hate that she broke up with me because of me looking at porn sites. When she was here I was one hundred percent for her. I did not take of work because I was new and wanted to show I was dedicated to my job. I wish I never let her use my computer. I just can not believe how she can cut out her feelings like that. Which I know she had to have them for me. The day before she left we were at the zoo and I was on the train with her and the kids. LOL it was funny because it was my first time I was all of them give me a little insight what it would be like to have a family. All day long it felt like all I said was no to more soda or candy stay close to mom lol to the kids. When we were riding I was thinking about those things and she asked me what I was thinking about. I told her I was thinking about how beautiful she was and how nice everything turned out. She just smiled. I am also thinking about before she came down to visit me she had her son call me and he asked me to be his new daddy. Of course I said yes and I really wanted to be the best I could be for him and be the best for her. I wanted that so bad i still am still thinking about it and asked her in a text if her son still thought of me as his partner and she responded of course he does and that it would never change. She is has applied for school and got selected to become a surgery tech in the nursing field. I told her I was proud of her and wished her the best. I told the before our last 3 day holiday that she talked to me about her hair and if I liked it. I told her I loved her whether her hair long or short and that it was what was inside her that I loved. She sent me a picture of her with short hair which I responded that I liked the way it looked and said I loved the picture because it even showed all of the little freckles along her nose which I committed on to her in the past. She did not talk to me at all over the last holiday. Because she asked me where I was ( wrote to you about that) I sent her a couple of pictures of me in my classroom and me around the academy because I did not want her to think I was like my brother stalking her in any way. She did not talk with me this weekend. When I say talk I mean text. Because the last time we talked I asked about what she wanted to do with her stuff in my storage. I still have hers and my brothers stuff in there. When I asked her about it she got quite and had to go. A few seconds later she said she would get all her stuff out and wanted my address because she wanted to send everything that I given her back to me. The things she is talking about is because before she left back in september she asked me if she could have a couple of shirts of mine because she could wear them to sleep in to remind her of me. I gave her my address but told her that was not what I intended. I do not know if she sent them or not because I am not home and will not be there till next week. Anyway I said all of theses things because I needed to type it all out and even though seem to be all over the place I think I have somewhat shown what I see and thinking. I feel silly thinking about her the way I do. I just wanted to be the best I could be for her and that I do not think she really gave me a chance to be good to her. I wonder sometimes if it has been even worth thinking about and I should run. My brother gives me crap all the time and had me change the combo to the storage so she had to call him I did and she did go to the storage but she called me and I felt terrible being between that fight. I told my brother I am packing the whole thing up and sending what I thought was his and what was her to her house. I also was thinking about doing that so that she would not have any more ties to me also. That way she could do what she is doing now not talk to me anymore if she did not want too lol. Boy I am an knuckle head and feel so silly for caring about her. I am going to pack everything up she and I can not have a relationship. I need to find another woman. Her I am at 4 am still thinking about that woman lol. Thanks for listening again.
I really can not do alot because I am tdy in school 4 days away by car. When I told her I could come I could not come because of schools or family issues. Since June of last year I have been to six schools counting the one I am in now. I have had two corresponds courses. I received certs in Radios, voice switches, a new radar system being deployed now and this week I will get a cert in a newer secondary radar system. I am planing to go to New Zealand with a guy friend at the end of next month.
I think its for the best for you to move on. For your own sanity!
Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist