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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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I just recently found out that my ex boyfriend cheated on me

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I just recently found out that my ex boyfriend cheated on me with multiple girls while we were still dating. In fact, one week before I broke up with him, he already "hung out" with a girl that now he is friends with benefits with. And right now he is also hooking up with another girl who he used to hook up with before he started dating me...Apparently everyone knew about this and I was the only one who didn't know or chose to believe him. Was I wrong to choose to believe in the good of somebody? How could he be such a bad person? He already hooked up with other chicks right after we broke up, yet still trying to get me to sleep with him? All of this are just so overwhelming. It's really hurting me. Everything he's said was just lies. When he told me he loved me, it was just a lie. How could I even trust someone like that? Now everyone is feeling sorry for me...I am such a fool. How to feel better?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for bringing your question to Just Answer!

 

I'm so sorry this man hurt you. But you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about...all you did was love him. The person who needs to be ashamed here is him.

The fact that he still tries to get you to sleep with him after breaking up, and while he's with other women shows you that he's just a user of women, and when this stops hurting, you'll realize you're better off without him.

 

It's a sad fact of life that some men will say anything to a woman if he thinks she'll have sex with him. For this type of man, the conquest means everything, and it doesn't matter if hearts are broken along the way. Here's an article that explains some of this: http://cosmo.intoday.in/story/the-truth-about-hooking-up/1/6731.html

 

You're not a fool---he's sleazy.

 

Before getting involved with another guy, I'd recommend you read

Temptations of the Single Girl This book should be required reading for all women before they start to date. It talks about how to weed out the players from the men worth giving your heart to, and I highly recommend it.

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
Suzanne and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
It still hurts but I know it will only get better. I've talked to a couple of friends and they all said it's best to look past the past now and move on. I already broke up with him - so why torturing myself now over something that's already gone?

Thank you for the links. They made a lot of sense. It's the exact situation where I go to school. I started as friends with benefits with this guy and he did not want to date me until very recently. We "officially" dated for 3 months out of the 2 years "hanging out" and it was just disaster. I wish I had spent more time getting to know his personality before I slept with him. That way I could what kind of person he was and not make the mistake of staying with him for 2 years. He is a very sweet talker. He can easily manipulate women into falling hard for him while still keeping himself unattached. But you know what, at the end of the day, he's still alone. Because once all us girls realized how bad a person he is, we all left him for good. He lost all those who truly loved and cared about him. On top of that, there is nothing in his life that is working out right now. College drop-out, don't know where he can get back to school, no career, no money, no REAL relationship. Yah I stayed with someone like that for two years.
I feel much better writing this down. I guess sometimes it's just nice to have someone to listen to you. I am a very private person - I don't really tell my friends how I feel. I do not want to bother them with the same break-up stories either. I understand it's your job but still thank you so much for letting me do this.
Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.

You are very welcome! It's a pleasure to work with someone who is really working on understanding. And yes, sleeping with someone does make us bond too quickly...it releases the hormone oxytocin which is the same thing that makes mothers bond to babies. Here's a couple of articles that explain it. Science
behind falling in love
and "Cuddle" hormone

If you're up for doing some work to figure out why you put up with such a guy for so long, I have another book recommendation. It's seven weeks of daily
reading, journaling and self-exploration. It will help you get clear on what
you really want from life and relationships, and increase your self-esteem.
Don't just read it all the way through. Do it the way it was
designed--daily--and you'll be amazed at how much clearer this all seems at the
end of the process. Calling In The One:
7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life.

Again, it was a real pleasure working with you, and thank you for the bonus--that was a very sweet surprise.

Suzanne

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you so much for recommending "Temptations of Single Girls" to me. I just finished reading it today and it really opened up my eyes. It made me realize how off track I've been in my dating life.
I've been following the advice from the book. I recently went out with these two guys. Usually I'd hide my true desires, afraid that might scare them away. But this time I really put myself out there, telling them upfront I am heading towards a committed relationship and if they're seeking something else, then we're not a match.

Today I asked one of the guys about his past relationships. He's the one I like more of the two. I started with just asking about how long he's been single, how his past relationships were, why they didn't work out. He shared a lot with me and asked me back. Then I proceeded to ask him about his emotional availability. He seems to be a busy guy and whether he can handle a relationship now and whether it's really what he wants. He went totally MIA after that. It was midnight and we were just texting. Strange how someone could share info about past relationships with you but couldn't tell you whether he wants a relationship. Keep in mind that when I told him I wanted a committed relationship, he affirmed me he was looking for the same thing.
After I didn't get an answer back from him, I just told him thanked him for taking the time to get to know me, but I did not think we were on the same page and wished him luck finding what he wanted.
Did I make the right decision? Could it be that he fell asleep in the middle and did not get the texts?
The other guy when asked these questions ensured me he was looking for the same thing and completely ready for a relationship with me.
Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.

How nice to hear that you read the Temptations book!

 

I suppose you may never know whether he fell asleep during texting or not. Texting to me is a way to make arrangements, let someone know you're thinking of them, etc. I personally wouldn't use it for this kind of deep conversation...mainly because you can't see their facial expressions, etc. while they are answering. A man who is going to try to play you will just type back that he agrees with everything you say you want. When you're there, looking him in the eye, you can pick up some of the subtle signals of lying, or ask follow-up questions. If you have any suspicion that a guy is a player, try to draw him out with questions about his desires and goals before stating what yours are.

 

Go easy on yourself for possibly pulling the trigger too fast on man number one...you've just been through a big hurt, and you're going to be very sensitive for a while. But consider leaving the conversations that are meaningful for times when you're actually with a person, or at the very least, talking on the phone. I know too many women who have been disappointed by pretty words in emails, that turned out to be designed just to draw them in--and not true at all. You need to see and hear all the signals that will let you know if you're being catered to, or if he's really expressing his true feelings.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Yes he indeed just fell asleep midway through the conversation. He texted me right when he woke up and apologized for making me feel that way. He said he would definitely want a relationship now and would love to take the time to get to know me more.
You're right I shouldn't have had this conversation in texting but I guess we just text a lot. I was surprised when he did not text back last night because I thought he was definitely a very nice and honest and serious guy. I guess I just need to be more patient and have more faith in guys.
I am taking my time to heal from the last relationship too. I've been spending a lot of time working on myself, engaging in new hobbies, surrounding myself with friends and people who love me. Honestly I think my last relationship was so bad that when I left, there was really nothing left there anymore. Yes I was hurt a lot but I wasn't hung up on him as much as I thought. I guess he just hurt me too much I couldn't bear the thought of love him. The fact that I was hurt only deepened my desire to find the right guy who's not gonna put me through what I was undergone with my ex. And I promise myself this time I'll do it right. I'd rather be single than settle for someone who doesn't meet the criteria.
Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.
I give him a lot of credit. A lot of guys would have not responded after you texting that you weren't a 'match.' So, as you're deciding between these two, look for which one makes you feel the best about yourself with.
Sounds like you're on a roll....I wish you all the best!
Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
Suzanne and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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Suzanne
Suzanne
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919 Satisfied Customers
Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency