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CompassionateMFT, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1
Experience:  I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with the state of California.
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i get bothered that my girlfriend drinks more than id like

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i get bothered that my girlfriend drinks more than i'd like her too. i hate that i care so much about this. even when she's sick like today she's still at the bar having some beers (she says its cuz we got into a fight today and needed a beer). a. theres the fear that the bar scene and alcohol just promotes cheating and i'm afraid of that with her, there's a trust issue, and B. i don't' want to date an alcoholic. not saying she is one, but she drinks more than i'm use to drinking myself, which is just once in a while.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CompassionateMFT replied 5 years ago.

CompassionateMFT :

Were you aware of her alcohol consumption habits before your relationship became serious?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i knew she drank before. in fact, i went with her to drink on occasion. i didn't know it was this much though, and it seems different now that we are together because theres the worry of infidelity.
Expert:  CompassionateMFT replied 5 years ago.
You mentioned a trust issue, can you give me the details? Other than your concern about her infidelity, does her drinking affect your relationship in othe ways?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
well we both work in the same store but in different departments. we knew each other for a year or two. then we went out one or twice and slept together on the second time. from then on i judged her as being someone that slept around (we weren't serious at this point). but then she had a bf and we never talked. and then they broke up and we started hanging out again as just friends, but then we started developing feelings for each other and now we are dating. she said she has had one night stands before but only one or two, and i want to believe her but just the fact that we slept together so soon makes me uneasy now that we happen to be a couple now, not just casual friends. thats where it all stems from, and it doesn't help that she drinks and that she's really friendly to everyone she meets which makes me uncomfortable.

the drinking doesn't really affect our relationship other than my own fears of what will happen down the road. there was however one time when she drunk dialled me before work early in the morning when i was sleeping i was mad about that but got oner it. she was sleeping at a guy's house who happened to be one of her best friends (which i forgot to add, she has good guy friends) and also they kissed on the lips on new years before saying good bye in front of me, is that weird? i mean, i met the guy and i think he's harmless but its still a bit weird although i don't want to control her and i trust her with him. (altho i don't like that she slept over at his house drunk) as well drunk another "gay" boy friend slept at her house one time too, but apparently on the couch and not with her in her room. i guess all those incidences lead me to have doubts.

Expert:  CompassionateMFT replied 5 years ago.
I can't highlight enough to trust your gut instincts! So many people ignore that internal voice that acts as a protection. Her history of erratic behvaior would send a lot of red flags. Unfortunately, when we have feelings for someone or even love someone, it doesn't necessarily mean they are good for us. If this is the type of woman you are usually attracted to, you might want to explore the reason for the attraction. Listen to your internal voice and pay close attention to those red flags to avoid future heartache....
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
this is difficult to hear. i hate breakups as i fear falling into a depression like my last two girlfriends. and it takes me a while to find someone again admit tingly because i'm a shy guy. what red flags do you think i just mentioned are there? could you clarify?
Expert:  CompassionateMFT replied 5 years ago.
I'm trule sorry this is difficult for you. Breakups can be quite difficult, however, I beleive they can be wonderful learning oppurtunites about ourselves. The red flags are clearly the drunk dialing, becoming intimate so soon without a committment, being "friendly" with others, and ambiguous relationships with other men in her life. Your feelings of not being able to trust her are right on....she's not given you any reason to trust her fully, and that is not the stability a relationshiop needs to be built upon. I wish you much luck.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
how do i end the break up? i still want to be friends with her in case she changes in the future?
Expert:  CompassionateMFT replied 5 years ago.
Given that you work together cerntainly makes it more challenging. I would express your feelings about the trust issue and let her know due to her erratic behaviors mentioned above, that you are seeking a more stable relationship.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
couple clarifications:

how do i explore the reason why i'm attracted to this kind of woman?

how is it a learning opportunity about ourselves when theres so much hurt and sadness?

Expert:  CompassionateMFT replied 5 years ago.
Look for the similarities in all the women you've had relationships with. We are generally attracted to what is familiar to us, eg, what we were raised with, who were the female role models in your life growing up....I'll bet you'll find at least one similar quality to the women you choose and your role models.

Most of our learning happens outside of our comfort zone. The hurt and sadness has taught you something about's your job now to figure out what that is.

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