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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Im 40 & the guy Im talking about just turned 37.Met hi

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I'm 40 & the guy I'm talking about just turned 37.Met him on Match on Nov 4th, we had 3 dates in a row, he introduced me to his 13 and 16 yr old sons who live with him the first week & said he knew he was coming on strong & to let him know if he should back off.I was great with it-I liked him.The 2nd week he asked me to be his girlfriend & I said yes.I knew it was fast, and 2 times I asked him if this was what he really wanted and he said yes!He lives 30 min away, so we'd spend most thurs nights together & each weekend together.No weekdays- he said he devoted that to his sons.Weird thing was we'd text all day and then at night I got nothing from him.I asked him for a goodnight call, but that wasn't happening.A couple times I called him, but he'd say 'good night, or take care' at end of talking,not 'goodnight baby' like he would in text. It felt weird.The last week of Nov I went on to see his profile to look at his pics, was surprised to show him 'active within 24 hours'. I checked again a few times and same thing or worse, 'ONLINE'!Since he didn't like to talk on phone, I texted him-asked him about it...said I was asking in the nicest softest voice, b/c I know how texting can come across.Just wanted to know if he was interested in seeing other girls (which seemd strange to me b/c just one day ago when I asked about things he told me he really wanted to be exclusive just with me..btw, on his profile, he wrote he was a very honest guy and only saw one woman at a time).He got upset & texted me that I shouldn't be so insecure, that if he'd want to see other women, he wouldn't just say he wanted to be with me, that he didn't like being checked up on and living life under a microscope. He said he was on there b/c he deactivated his account and was wondering why he was still getting emails.I apologized profusely & told him I just liked him so much I didn't want to get hurt.He told me he really liked me, too, but to be more mindful when I say things. We continued to spend weekends together, family outings with his boys & he introduced me to the rest of his family.We had a great sunday together on the 11th & I went home thinking I was in love-maybe he'd propose over xmas.. & then I heard nothing for 24 hours.Wed night my friend came over; she & her boyfriend broke up; I had the idea to make a match profile for her so we made one (didn't put her pic on, just random beach pics and in her profile said, "message me if you'd like to see pics).I also thought that since my profile wasn't active, I could jump on hers and see if he was still on there..no way I was going to ask him.We made her profile & she asked me to go see his profile (if still up) to see his pics.So we went on;didn't send message or anything-just looked at his pics.(I didn't think about the fact that he could see who viewed him).My friend's bf called that night & she felt bad, said I should take profile down.I asked to keep it up -just to see if he was online..but that that night I called him & we talked, confirmed plans for that weekend, 4 days over Xmas &new years.I told him again it's hard not hearing his voice during the week & he said he could make little calls during the day.Then we said goodnight.Next morning he sent me a sweet good morning text.I felt bad about wanting to keep the profile up, so went on computer to deactivate it, especially since my friend didn't want it.But there was a message in INBOX...which I wish I had never opened.It was from HIM! He said almost the same things he said to me.He said he was intrigued by the profile, he thought they were on the same page & to please send pics..hoping to hear back soon'. I was devastated..didn't see that coming.Didn't expect that.I called him at work (on his cell) right away.Not yelling.Not even angry.I said I was sad & stunned because he had just sent a message to my friend -an account I made for her actually & helped write- on match.(btw, if I had deactiviated it an hour earlier, this would not have happened.He sent the message after sending me the gmorning txt).He didn't have an answer to why he did it.I asked if he had been seeing other people & he said no, just emailing.(Which means he was lying about deactiviating account & communicating with other girls.) I didn't get mad- said I wanted to see him that night to talk & we could work things out.He said he'd call that night.Instead, he sent a text that evening saying at this point he didn't want to talk,needed some time alone to sort things out.I sent a couple lenghty texts...pining texts.Then waited 3 days.Texted again several times, didn't hear back.Emailed that I was going to come over,he did email back saying he'd call that night.Never did.(I never went over.)I called and no answer, called and left vm.Then sent a text asking him to send me my brother's game back that I left at his house (he passed away 3 yrs ago).Not an answer.I've never had someone act like they care so deeply then never communicate again.What did I do wrong???
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.

It does seem unusual that at his age he has not learned to better communicate. He is avoiding. That is where instead of resolving the differences he prefers to isolate himself and resolve nothing. He is too old for that. This is a situation that can resolved if he is willing. You did nothing wrong. If he had a problem with what happened he should be able to express that and find a solution.

 

It is very disappointing when you think the relationship is solid and the other person is willing to throw in the towel as soon as a conflict arises. He is not going to adapt your style of resolving conflict and you need to consider that. This is going to be hurtful because he retreats at the sound of conflict. You want to talk. He wants to run.

 

He may be just overcompensating for the fact that you hurt his feelings. He is allowed this perception. But you can't do anything until he comes to you with his side of the argument and gives you a chance to explain. We don't know if he is the type that can turn off his emotions or just licking his wounds. He could come forward when he has a fresh perspective. Give him a few days.

 

please press accept; this is the only way I am compensated

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer. I think this is incomplete for two reasons. One, she said I hurt his feelings, but didn't say how I hurt his feelings..would like to know. Two, she said to give him a few days. I put dates down! The time I called to confront him (in a very soft way) was the morning after Dec 14, which was the 15th. That was the last time I heard his voice. Other than one response he gave me via to one of my emails saying he'd call that night, I've heard nothing. The last communication we had together then was the morning of the 15th...I've given more than a few days...given 19 days. I don't understand how another person can just ditch another one they were close to. I got myself back on match...don't think I'm ready but been sick in bed and just did it. When I do searches he's always online, always active. Just like when we were dating. He could have a whole new girlfriend and be doing the same thing to her. Am I a fool to think he'll ever call me? There are things he did I didn't like, but I thought I could help change things..like he lets his 13 and 16 year olds smoke weed in their garage with all their friends every weekend...and the 13 year-old girlfriend sleeps over in his bedroom..and there are loaded guns in every room of the house laying around..he had hinted at moving in and I thought- if that day comes, I'll work on changing these things. That day, obviously never came. I'm talking too much. Just please relook above to 'one' and 'two' that I wrote about the person's feedback. Thanks, Nicole
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer. I think this is incomplete for two reasons. One, she said I hurt his feelings, but didn't say how I hurt his feelings..would like to know. Two, she said to give him a few days. I put dates down! The time I called to confront him (in a very soft way) was the morning after Dec 14, which was the 15th. That was the last time I heard his voice. Other than one response he gave me via to one of my emails saying he'd call that night, I've heard nothing. The last communication we had together then was the morning of the 15th...I've given more than a few days...given 19 days. I don't understand how another person can just ditch another one they were close to. I got myself back on match...don't think I'm ready but been sick in bed and just did it. When I do searches he's always online, always active. Just like when we were dating. He could have a whole new girlfriend and be doing the same thing to her. Am I a fool to think he'll ever call me? There are things he did I didn't like, but I thought I could help change things..like he lets his 13 and 16 year olds smoke weed in their garage with all their friends every weekend...and the 13 year-old girlfriend sleeps over in his bedroom..and there are loaded guns in every room of the house laying around..he had hinted at moving in and I thought- if that day comes, I'll work on changing these things. That day, obviously never came. I'm talking too much. Just please relook above to 'one' and 'two' that I wrote about the person's feedback. Thanks, Nicole
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
I understand that you have given him time but you said yourself that he will probably go on to do this to someone else. He is very narcissistic and you have to accept that. Look at the things you need to change if you are with him. Weed and guns. Don't be so accepting that you become complacent. He is not ready to be in a relationship based on mutual respect. He expects complacency. You need to find closure so that you don't end up his victim. He is going to do this. Try to avoid any more heartache. You can move on now
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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