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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Want help with your most important relationships? Licensed Marriage/Family Counselor.
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Always guys(40-50) try to hit on me since I was a teenager.

Customer Question

Always guys(40-50) try to hit on me since I was a teenager. I'm currently in my early 30ies and it is still the same. I think guys of that particular age group find me somehow an open opportunity for them. (which I'm not because I'm not interested in that age group, anyway not yet). I really have no idea on why but one of my guess is that because I have a kind of bad father relationship, cold, not emotionally supportive, I think somehow I look vulnerable to them. I know this has something to do with these phenomenon but I can't exactly see the reason between them. Do anyone have some clue on this? I think it is starting to bother me really a lot lately because it is happening recently even while I was traveling in Italy and hong kong, in both places.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
First of all it is likely men of all ages hit on you but the older ones are irritating to you so you are more aware of them. Also the older men are looking for younger women because this makes them feel younger.

Second you answered your own question. There is probably a part of you that unconsciously looks for the love and attention your father has not been able to provide. So, with out meaning to, you give off the vibe that says "love me and pay attention to me" to a bunch of guys that are saying "let me love you sexually to make me feel young and virile." Interesting how human nature is the same where ever we go.

When we don't get the parenting we need, including attention, warmth, affection, approval we must learn how to fill the void in a healthy way. The first place to start is with your father If possible. Is he living? Is he disabled emotionally due to alcoholism, Aspergers Syndrome en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome
or some other condition? If not, then I can suggest some things you might try with him. If he is disabled we can discuss some other healing methods for you.

Let me know.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Mark Manley

Mark Manley, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Want help with your most important relationships? Licensed Marriage/Family Counselor.
Mark Manley and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
hi! Thanks for your reply. I will keep chewing your answer for a couple of days to see if it helps. best.
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
You are welcome. Let me know if you want some ideas.
Thanks.
Mark Manley
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
hi My father isn't available right now. What kind of methods or ideas do you have for suggestions?
best.
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
First I want you to think of any and all men who in any significant way have filled the void created by your absent father. These may be teachers, coaches, church leaders, or ?. List them with a brief description of their role and influence in your life. Also note if they are still in your life or not.
Also list any interactions with older men you have experienced where you were in any way sexually victimized. (from childhood to present). If this is too painful you may need to save this step to do in face to face therapy.
Finally tell me more about your father and his current unavailability.
Thanks.
Good to hear from you.
Sincerely, XXXXX XXXXX
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
hi
Thanks for the reply!
That's an interesting question. When I think about it, the only men that influenced significantly on me were all dead men! A lot of great men in history by their books and so on such as Jesus, Freud, Buddah etc. I don't think I had any male mentor person that I took as a role model in real life.

I have not been victimized by an old men as far as I can remember.

About my father, all the things that I want to say to him, he will just scoff off. So it is basically useless to say to him anything. I've tried to convey some messages to him many times while I was in contact with him but he is not getting it and I'm thinking I don't want to be his parent by nurturing him because he never was a parent himself psychologically speaking. So getting him involved in anything just kind of feels like a waste of time. To get him involved, it is not just being cold to me but also his abuse toward my mother and my brother for long long time. And the list goes on. And because he lives in a delusion that he is the 'good' guy when he is not, it is just not getting into his head. Technically speaking, if I had a patience, I could handle him but I don't have that kind of patience toward him and all I want to do when I see him is, to be honest, to punch him. But punching him would be a mortal sin in my country, i would rather prefer not to talk to him than to commit a mortal sin of attacking a parent. So in that sense, he is not currently available.

To add just one more thing, the time when I feel that I was not loved enough is when I
am not psychologically generous with others, such as being upset with people's small defects. I think that was how my father was. I guess I don't want to be like that but I guess I don't want to how.

Hope this helps.
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
What is your country?

You need some older men in your life who would be able and willing to relate to you in a platonic way. Who could this be? Where could you find one or a few? Before you think "there aren't any" keep in mind that you have found one already, with out even knowing you were looking. Yes that would be me. Who else? Don't rush this, just see it as a need in your life and start giving it some thought and intention.

Do you pray to a God that can grant you resources? If so, be sure and ask for assistance.

Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
hi!

I would prefer not to go into the topic of 'my country' because it is another endless topic and because it is largely, I think, irrelevant to my issue.

Yes, I really cannot think of anyone that I can interract with for that regard. I think, in many cases, things get sexualized. I don't mean the actually act of sex but the nature of the relationship in my head. Maybe because I didn't really have a 'real' father figure? I think many occasions present itself sexually. I'm not sure if you can be counted as 'an older man in my life' since I don't know you yet :). I think I didn't have a 'real' father figure because I feel that my father was more or less like a bit like a male boss, that I had to work hard for him- I mean for his desire, for what he likes-, to get recognition. As a reward, I was able to sleep at home, get fed, went school etc. I felt it was a bit more like an employment. Anyway, after some thought, I still cannot think of anyone (living) who could be or has been that kind of role in my life.

Also about God, I'm not religious. I mentioned Jesus in a totally unreligious context.

Thanks for your reply!
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
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