How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Bonnie Your Own Question

Dr. Bonnie
Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2173
Experience:  Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dr. Bonnie is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Three days ago my 12 year old daughter told my wife that she

Resolved Question:

Three days ago my 12 year old daughter told my wife that she is getting on her nerves after my wife asked for he ipod earlier than she normally does. I was downstairs doing my coursework when this all took place. I don't like the use of the ipod so that was not an issue for me. My wife eventually got the ipod but was very upset with the words my daughter, you are getting on my nerves. So she told her she will never get the ipod back and also gave her a lecture and then gave her the silent treatment. She told her father, mother and sister like she always does. They know everything about my household before I know about it. Anyway my father-in-law spent New Years day and night at my house. Last night I heard him talking to my daughter in the kitchen, while I was doing my coursework. He asked her where she learned to say things like that, which friend did she learn that from, and so forth. He told her that she should be spanked, slapped in the face, or locked in her room or something like that. Eventually he told her that she is the way she is because I (me) love her too much and do not hit her. He then said, actually you think he loves you but he does not and he thinks he loves you but he does not because if he did he would have slapped her in the face after she said that to her mom. That is what he said in a nutshell. I do not know if he knew I was up but I heard every word and kindly had enough of hearing it and walked into kitchen to let him know I hear what he was saying but without saying anything. He stopped talking and that was the end of the conversation.

This has really made me angry for him to come into my house and spew this nonsense to my daughter and putting her in the middle of that.My daughter is a good child. Does she have her moments, yes she does, but she is good child. She maintains straight A's in school. I do not see any need to hit my child and understand that people use that as a means to diseiplain but for me that would be last resort. I can get better results by talking to her. Am I reacting properly? Should I just ignore this or let my wife know. I really do not want to associate with him anymore but I do not know if that is too harsh.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 2 years ago.
Hello and thank you for being a JA customer,

It is apparent that your wife was raised with this type of discipline and believes it to be appropriate judging by the strong way she reacted to her daughter's words. It also sounds like wife and her family are very close (even enmeshed). It is possible that wife even asked her father to have a talk with her. It will not be easy to change these value and beliefs in wife and her family.

From a child development standpoint, their approach is too harsh and your reaction is understandable. I would not cut off relationship with him but I would let wife know in this manner. "When your father gets involved in the discipline of our daughter, it make me very upset. It is confusing and abusive to our daughter to be told she deserves corporal punishment and I am afraid it will cause her anxiety. Please ask him not to do that again." If your wife and you are on the same page about corporal punishment, there should be no further problem.

I hope this helps....
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I am more so angry that he told her i dont love her because if i did I would hit her. Is that an issue?
Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 2 years ago.
Oh yes, I overlooked that. I can see why that would make you so upset. Wife has to be told about that too and the 2 of you need to talk to daughter together and clear it up for her. That must be very confusing to her. Of course, that is an important issue.
Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2173
Experience: Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.
Dr. Bonnie and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency