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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1425
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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My partner of 10years has been having an affair for a few mths

Customer Question

My partner of 10years has been having an affair for a few mths with a neighbour, we have talked and talked and decided we want to try he says he doesnt love me as much anymore and I have been cheated on can this work? we have three kids together and I love him with all my heart. I found out on 28th dec and he fully admitted to it he feels terrible for hurting me.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 4 years ago.
Hello. I'm sorry that your holiday had to include news of this affair. If you both have decided that you want to work through this, that is good and it can work, but what is concerning is that he has already admitted that he has lost feelings for you. Are you 100% positive that he wants to work this out with you, or did he just say this to make you feel better?? If he has lost feelings for you, this can be a dangerous road to go down. H may go through the actions to med the damage such as counseling and talking with you about it, but he has already created a built in excuse. You also should make sure that you are not staying together just for the sake of the kids either. .A big misnomer is that it is better for kids to grow up with two parents, regardless of the condition of the relationship. it is much better for kids to be with happy single parents then parents who are stressed and distanced from each other. Kids can feel tension.
To answer you question, yes it CAN work, but you have to both be 100% into fixing it. I suggest you find a local relationship counselor to attend. If this woman is to remain your neighbour, you have that extra issue to deal with as well. Make sure that you take this opportunity to start over to do it right. You should never be afraid to show your feelings. You should also never be afraid to walk away if you have to. You deserve to be respected by a man who loves you whole heartedly. You have a long road to go. Don't be scared to walk away if he isn't treating you the way you need to be treated. If you are not happy then stand up for yourself.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
He says he wants to get back what has been lost but doesnt know how to get it back. I want to get back the trust in him but I have tried to say open up to him and we cant think of the how we do it we are both stuck really.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 4 years ago.
This is going to take a considerable about of time. I think you both do need to consider professional counseling if you continue to feel stuck. Maybe if you both take some time apart to get back to yourselves and do some thinking. Sometimes you can think more clearly about a situation you are so close to, if you are able to step away from it for a little while. Different people take different approaches. There will be ups and downs, so be prepared for that, it is totally normal. This isn't just a little argument to get over, this is very deep pain and you both have to take the time to work on it step by step. It will take a long time to get through this. Most likely, years. This is my experience. It may not be what you want to hear, but it is the case in most situations like this that I deal with. If you both feel like you have been distant in your relationship, start by going on dates again. Be friends. Start with the small stuff. Do something new, maybe something you both have talked about doing but never got the chance to. Some of it will be trial and error. There is no set time schedule and there is no set method on getting over this. Every couple works through it differently. You will have to find what feels right and what doesn't going forward.

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