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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question

Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7532
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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What Am I Doing Wrong?

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My wife and I have been separated for three years. I left her because I wasn't mature or strong enough to deal with her when she was in her bad moods. I had also just come home from my third tour in Iraq and had a lot wrong inside me. She was also pregnant. I really screwed up. But since my daughter has been born I have become a completely different person, most of the time. I told her I was still in love with her and things have been very difficult between us since. Sometimes she seems like she wants to try and sometimes like it will never happen. She tells me she doesn't trust that I love her for who she is. The other night a guy friend was over, and I didn't like the way they were interacting. He uses her for sympathy and flirts. I got very mad and ended up fighting with both of them. There is also another guy friend who she thinks is wonderful but says she doesnt want to be with him. She has had relationships with both guys in the past. I have no idea how to fix things and stay calm with so much standing in my way. I cannot get over her and want us to be a family. How can get her back and prove that I am better than the other two losers?
-- My concern isn't whether you're doing the right things, but why? From your description this woman isn't even trying. Everything except the weather is your fault somehow. She has other men in her life and you aren't only supposed to be ok with that, but you must walk this invisible line that she's drawing as you go along, and treat them in some special way that she makes up after the fact.

Why do you value yourself so little that any of this treatment is ok with you?

Listen, please - put the relationship (such as it is) on hold right now and all by yourself, for yourself, get to a counselor who can help you figure out why none of this is actually about you, what you want and expect from her.

You should not be emotionally abused like this. You deserve to be respected, have your opinions valued and your feelings considered.

You are not the devil in these details. You are not the cause of her unhappiness or her manipulation. She has her own demons and she needs to be responsible for her own actions. Having three men at her beck 'n call is rewarding her behaviors, however, bad they are.

Make it one less. Remove yourself from her line up and build yourself up with the help of a professional in your area (just try 4 visits and you should understand).

Then YOU make the decision about whether or not you'll allow her to make things up to you. She can then join you in counseling or seek it on her own and the two of you use the insight and tools you're taught to use to make compromises and build a life together, rather than one person holding out hoops and the other trying to jump through them.

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