Hi...and thank you very much for your response. My father actually died when I was about 3 and my mom remarried my stepdad. My mom and I have never been close, but not because I haven't wanted it or tried. She could get very angry when I was growing up and sometimes get a little out of control as well. Sometimes she could seem loving but I never knew which mom I was going to get, and that really hasn't changed. I came out to her not that long ago and that has just made things even worse between us and the conversation ended with her basically telling me I was going to hell. I don't really have a relationship with my stepdad one way or the other, he sort of just stays out of things. My sister is probably my best friend, and I have one close male friend (who is gay as well), but other than that I'm not really close to anyone else. My GF gets jealous and freaks out when I spend time with anyone else so even if I did want to have more friends it wouldn't work. And that's actually what the last fight was about, her thinking I was having sex with or going to have sex with a girl I have known for a long time (and have no interest in that way) just because she texted me about going to a club.
My GF makes a lot more money than me but I'm not completely dependent, it would be hard though without her though, I just work at a medical office basically answering phones, that sort of thing. I didn't finish college and I don't really have any skills. I don't even know what to tell you concerning strengths because I don't feel like I'm really good at anything, except maybe getting along with most people and avoiding any kind of argument or fight...although I'm obviously not even good at that when it comes to my GF these days. I haven't considered a shelter because to be honest I'm really feeling embarrassed about the reason for black eyes and marks and it would be really hard to tell someone, I'm not sure I'm able to do that right now....plus she would find me and I'm just afraid that would make everything worse.
I have no physical disabilities but I was diagnosed with severe ADHD a long time ago and according to the last neuropsych eval that hasn't gotten any better. I take Adderall and I'm also treated for mood problems with abilify and wellbutrin. I used to abuse alcohol and have a past DUI charge but haven't had a drink since I was 21.
I hope that helps and I wasn't rambling, just let me know if I missed anything, I appreciate your help
Hi again...I have been dying to get more discussion and better communication started with my GF for so long, so I have already tried asking a few questions... but it does feel like walking on egg shells when I even try to head that direction. She always acts like I'm attacking her, even when I am trying to be as neutral and non-accusing as possible. When I even brought up the possibility of getting outside help, to help us be able to solve some of the ongoing issues, she got very upset and wanted to know "what do you think is wrong?", "why do you think we need help?", "don't I do enough for you already? Why are you never satisfied?".....so I couldn't help it and had to bring up that giving your GF black eyes and bruises was NOT normal...which made her get very angry and say "don't you even try to blame me for that" and called me a few things I won't repeat but basically called me a whore for cheating on her (a long time ago, which had nothing to do with what we were talking about) and also tried to make it like I was the crazy one, since I'm the one who takes medication...so I did what you suggested and backed off at that point and everything calmed back down and she acted like nothing happened between us a half hour later, which is how it almost always is with her. Do you think I should just keep trying? And at some point she will see where I am coming from? I really don't want to give up on us, I'm just really frustrated I guess...
One thing that she does when she is angry is call me names, usually along the lines of slut or whore, so I asked her about that, trying to open up a conversation about why she does that...and is she still hurting from when I cheated on her with another woman (btw, technically we were broken up at the time)...well, she down played being hurt about that, like you said she might, but then went on to say that the fact I was with guys in the past made me the names she calls me. Ok, so I was with guys in the past, but BEFORE I was with her! So how does that make sense? I didn't even know how to argue back with that one so I just went quiet, like I usually do, and let her win in that sense...
Sorry I'm not sure if I should be asking this as a new question or as part of the same stream? My gf and I finally had somewhat of a real conversation today and she told me I frustrate her and that is part of why she gets so angry. I asked what she meant and she said that I constantly have to be told things, that I never remember and that I don't listen. All of that is probably true but it's not because I'm trying to do those things on purpose...and actually I do things like have sticky notes as reminders, it's just that that doesn't fix everything and she has no patience with me. I also can't find words, when we argue especially, so I feel like I can't express myself the way I want to except with writing, and obviously arguments are verbal. She says no one would put up with me the way she does, and I sort of wonder if that's not that far from the truth. She is the way she is but could I really do better? We have been together for a while now, and she has stayed with me. She also said by the way, that she calls me the names because she thinks that's what I was before I met her...that I was with a lot of guys...but I also know that to her just being with 1 guy is a lot. When I do get counseling, will it fix those things that are wrong with me, the things that frustrate her? Because if I frustrate her won't I just frustrate anyone I was with next if something happened with us? I think I worry because I feel like I have always frustrated my mom as well, and feel it would be hard to love me.
Hi Mark, it's been awhile so a few things have happened since I last wrote to you.
My GF has not gotten any easier to live with, but I did set up an appointment for myself with a therapist. I hopefully have found a therapist who is all of the things you recommended (you said ‘someone who is OK with your sexual orientation and who won't freak out about your abusive relationship and demand that you leave your partner as a condition of working with you. Also someone who can understand and deal with ADHD')
I think I have a lot to figure out...like why do I keep putting up with things like bruises and black eyes, and maybe worse some of the stuff she says to me? A big part of me would like to leave but a bigger part I think is afraid to do that. For one thing I don't know how she will react, and for another I do rely on her for a lot, as much as I hate that about myself. She could, just, get really out of hand and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. Do I need a protective order? I don't know. What I do know is that I have no support from my mom who doesn't think I should ever have been in this relationship to begin with...since I'm going to hell for being gay.
I think I have a lot of questions about everything but I'm not sure I'm expressing them very well to you...I'm just feeling really confused right now, about my future, about everything, maybe overwhelmed too...And I do know that when I am feeling overwhelmed I tend to do nothing as opposed to try to do something to help myself. On a more positive note, now that I am being compliant with the Adderall, as my doctor says, and have been for a while I have had no desire to drink again in spite of all this...
Am I making sense or just rambling now?