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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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My boyfriend told me that hes not ready for a relationship.

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My boyfriend told me that he's not ready for a relationship. he's sorry if that's not what I want to hear. He still would like for us to be friends, to talk & laugh & work on the music together. He thinks I'll make a great music promoter, & he'd be lucky to have me backing him but he doesn't want to be in a realationship right now.
The events that led up to this comment were that he made anXXXXXto spend 5 days with me & he got really sick when he went back home. He had been sick for too long in my book so I made the same trip to see him where he's at. But he told me there was no need to go there & that he appreciated it. He woke up & was feeling fine (the day I made the decision to go, the arrangements, & was ready to leave he tells me about the relationship.) He was still sick when I got there. While I was there a lot of closeness & intamacy still existed. We talk or text every day but not all day now.
Our relationship changed from the time he came to visit me & when I made the trip. He's an amazing musician & I've ended up starting a career in the music business now as a result of my desire to show the world how great he is. I've put him on the road to fullfilling his life's ambition. He's working on new material now since I've set him up to start recording his work.
Everything seems almost the same between us though. So I can't figure out what it is that he doesn't want to have a relationship about exept that we used to text & talk all day every day. Even when he was working he'd text me between jobs. Maybe he meant he didn't want to do that any more. He's had bad relationships & I just got out of a 16 year marriage. We get along good & have many common interests. A good friend of ours matched us & put us in touch with each other & everything was going good.
We've only known each other since the middle of Oct. 2011. So a lot has happened in a short period of time.
I don't know if my information to you is clear or not? But I'm really looking for some insight here. I do extensive tarot readings on my own but I'm afraid that they are tainted by my own feelings & what I want. Do you have any insight that might be enlightening for me? I'd sure appreciate the help.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for bringing your question to Just Answer!

I'm afraid that in your eagerness to support his work, you overstepped some boundaries of a new relationship. You made life changes (occupation), drove 11 hours to see him when it wasn't necessary, and you've taken charge of his career.

For a man with a long history of bad relationships, this would be overwhelming. While as a wife it may be appropriate to do so much for a husband, it could be seen as too much for such a young relationship. He said not to come when he was sick, but you decided you knew better--putting you in more of a mother role than a girl friend.

By doing too much, you removed any sense that he needs to work to earn your affection. In general, men need to feel that they need to step up to win a woman's affection. By too quickly devoting so much time and energy to his needs, you took away all sense of the quest to win you.

Also by doing so much, even though your intent is to help and get his music out into the world, it makes him seem like he's not competent to run his own career and get himself recorded. Men need to feel strong and in control of their lives. Too much help can take that feeling away from them.

Perhaps if you backed off a bit, were not quite so available and focused on him, it would re-spark his interest. It sounds as if you two have a lot in common, but in the excitement of meeting him and discovering what a great musician he is, you got too involved too fast and overwhelmed him.

If this doesn't re-spark his interest, and you eventually start dating someone else, I have two books to recommend:

The first is Temptations of the Single Girl This
book should be required reading for all women before they start to date. The
"temptations" are thinking that we can change a man or his behavior, committing to him before he commits to us, settling for a man who doesn't want a commitment and wasting time with the wrong man because we're afraid to be alone.

The other is Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dream girl. http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323176433&sr=1-1 There are over 500 positive reviews of this book, so don't write it off because of its title.

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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