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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1425
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Im a 44 y/o professional guy. I went through a period a few

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I'm a 44 y/o professional guy. I went through a period a few weeks ago where I was feeling hypersensitive, especially with regards XXXXX XXXXX particular friend who I felt wasn't being very supportive during a tough time. There's been several times when I was hoping that she would at least return a call, or make plans to meet. Although I always held back on expressing my disappointment to her, I kinda lost my cool one evening and accused her in an email of making excusses and basically lying about why she is hardly around when I just needed to talk. She lives very close by, and has a relatively open schedule.

When we would get together (typically on her terms) we always had fun, would talk about deep stuff, and we would spend hours together just talking about anything.

Even though she is known by others to be a bit self-absorbed, thinking back, she has also been present in her own positive way. She has some problems (she can be very hypersensitive and has been diagnosed with ADHD as well as some Borderline Personality features) and I understand that she is limited in how supportive she can be. She's 35 y/o, very intelligent, but a complicated person with lots of insecurities about her underachievement, and very sensitive to criticism.

I'm not a particularly needy person, but I do have my moments...especially when I get depressed and just need some good, fun company. Her company has always been uplifting. When I got mad at her, I wasn't thinking clearly and just reacted. She sent me a brief email when I texted her. She said that she was tired and had to deal with an emergency the day before. I have never reacted to her so sharply, but I replied by saying something like "I would like to believe you, but this just sounds like another one of your typical excuses/lies that you so easily concoct". The next day I felt a little embarassed and closed that email acct. so she couldn't reply...I just didn't want to deal with a reply at that time.

At this point, I feel pretty silly about my reaction, but also have reasons to believe that she does make excuses and is very tempermental. I would be willing to talk to her about this, but just want to open the door to communicate. I called her once and left a brief message, but didn't hear back. We haven't talked since, and I'm assuming that my reaction turned her off. We've been friends for 5 years. It's been about 3 weeks now.

It wasn't very nice how I expressed myself and would like to apologize by sending a card. I feel that I can now accept her ways (self-absorbed, not always being around, etc) and learn to just take her with a grain of salt. I don't know what she's thinking, but I mainly want to send her a card explaining that I always enjoyed her company, and the way I expressed myself was reactionary and not too cool. Something like this:

"There’s a little bit more to explain, but I really can’t in written word. All I can say here is, looking back not too long ago, I feel pretty silly about the way I reacted towards you when I was going through a tough time. And although I hate apologizing for anything, sorry about what I said in a couple of emails….it wasn’t a cool way to express myself.

Whether we talk and hang out again, or not, I at least wanted to express this to you, as well as open the door for communication."

Any ideas or thoughts on how I can handle this tactfully and with class. Even though this has been bothering since it occured, I am taking care of myself and doing positive things. I do have other friends to rely on and have fun with, but I don't want to lose her as a friend and would like to make one gesture to try and remedy the situation. Any advice on what words to use would be helpfu. Thanks so much!
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 4 years ago.
I think the words you use here are just fine. There's nothing wrong with sending a card and doing what you said. The issue though I see here is that you say a lot of positive things about her, then say some back handed comments about how you feel like you can deal with her and her personal problems, etc.. and even though she does this, etc. So, be sure that you want to open the lines of communication and be friends with her for sure. You didn't say about pursuing a relationship other than friendship, which I think is good at this point. Just getting back to speaking terms is a good way to start and go from there. Admitting your faults in this and reaching out to her is the right thing to do. Good luck.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1425
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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