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Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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I was introduced to a girl, Kassie, by my best friends girlfriend.

Customer Question

I was introduced to a girl, Kassie, by my best friend's girlfriend. She and Kassie are room mates at our university. Initially, I thought Kassie was looking to date someone and the girl that introduced us fueled the fire. She told me that Kassie really liked me and wanted to date me. It wasn't the case. I pushed the issue and asked her what she thought about "us." About a month after we met, Kassie told me she wasn't looking for a relationship. I was hurt and upset because I really liked her, but the feelings weren't requited. I got mad and deleted her number, I deleted her off my facebook and I completely stopped talking to her. I felt misled and played, but I soon realized that the feelings Kassie's room mate said she had weren't true. She wasn't interested in me.

I talked to my Mom and Dad about the situation and both told me to get her out of my head, to just leave her alone. I did for a while, but I missed hanging out with her and I was going to be friends with her. I told myself that if we progressed beyond that, it would be awesome, but I didn't expect it to happen. After we started communicating again, she was totally different. She talked/texted a lot. She wanted to hang out. She questioned me about my preferences for girls and what I wanted from a girl. She was really flirty and would play with my hair and rest her head on me. Things were awesome. She was making the first moves and setting the pace. When she asked what I liked from a girl, I told her I liked when the girl made the first move sometimes. Well, one night we were at her dorm and she told me, "I have to show you something." She took me by the hand, led me to her room and kissed me. Afterwards she said, "I know you like when the girl makes the first move." It was as if she was trying to please me and convince me she wanted something. I wasn't expecting that to happen. For the next two weeks we hung out about 3 times and kissed each other. We made out some and she was definitely flirty. Things were awesome. One morning I asked her if we were dating exclusively and she said wasn't dating anyone except me and she didn't plan on dating anyone else. I told her I was only interested in dating her as well. She asked, "Where do we stand?" I told her, "I think we have the potential to have something really awesome." I said that meaning over time I think we could have an awesome relationship. She didn't text me back for hours...

I was definitely worried because that's a pretty serious thing for her to ask and then not reply. I thought I may have scared her away. She called me really late that night and told me this...

"I haven't had a boyfriend in over a year and a half. I was in a serious relationship then and the guy cheated on me. It hurt me really badly and it scared me away from dating. I have a defensive wall, that when I feel things are progressing past a certain point, I shut down. I don't act flirty, I don't kiss any more, I act standoffish. I really like you, but I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to waste your time and keep things like they are and then get scared and run away. When you said we have the potential it scared me. I don't know what we have, I know it isn't a fling, but I don't know what it is. I think we should stop kissing and stuff. I have feelings for you and I feel like a coward for trying to regress, but it's a psychological thing. I have to have a certain feeling about the situation that I just haven't had with you yet. I meant the kiss, I wanted to kiss you. I do have feelings for you."

We talked for about an hour back and forth and I told her that I really liked her and I didn't want to take a step back. But in the end, I yielded because she sets the pace. The next afternoon I text her and asked, "Should we still hang out and stuff so we can eventually pick up where we left off?" She replied with, "Yes, that's what I want."

I called her right then to establish ground rules for what we could and couldn't do. Can we kiss? Just trying to determine things like that. While on the phone I told her I hope that she overcomes this trust issue and that I hope she will be happy. She told me she was really glad I reacted the way I did and stuck around. I told her I want to stick around to build her trust up through actions and not words and date her eventually. She said that's what she hoped for too. I told her it may seem insidious of me to do that, but she said she understood. She asked, "What are we going to tell our friends?" I said I'd tell them that we were taking things slow and trying to get to know each other. She said she was ok with me saying that.

It seems to me that she really wants me around still. I think we have the potential to date. She alludes to it a lot. One thing that I'm concerned about is "the feeling" she hasn't felt for me yet. Do you think that will occur over time?

My question(s):

Based on the information I've given you, do you think I should expect a relationship?
Should I keep in to
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 3 years ago.
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Cathy
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Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice