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Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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what in general are theffects on a man who is cast in the role

Resolved Question:

what in general are theffects on a man who is cast in the role as surrogate spouse to a woman who marries someone who is emotionally unavailable to her
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 2 years ago.

Cathy :

Hi, can you give us just a little bit more on this? Just a little bit of background so we can best help you with this? Thanks so very much. Cathy

Customer:

sure what do you want to know

Cathy :

Hi are you there?

Cathy :

your question is vague. Can you tell us under what circumstances is the surrogate cast as spouse? is this voluntary, voluntary with condition or involuntary. Under what circumstances did the spouse agree to this role? pressure or voluntary? What is the relationship between the surrogate spouse and the woman who married someone involuntarily? why is there a relationship between the two? Since there is no correlation between anyone who was presented can you tell us how they are related so your question makes sense? Thanks so much for this so we can best help you from JA> and warm regards XXXXX XXXXX Cathy This is an information request only and not a response as we cannot respond given the little information you provided in the initial post.

Customer:

by being the oldest male in a family where the father was emotionally unavailable to the mother so the son stepped in voluntarillyas a child where he felt a sense of duty to the needs of the mother now the child who has grown has diffuculty developing relationships with women

Cathy :

Hi, so you are saying that you were the oldest male in the family where a father was emotionally unavailable to you or your wife? and that you felt a need to marry? is this right? please help us to understand your question?

Cathy :

or are you saying that you were a parentified child to your mother because your father was emotionally unavailable to her? do you mean that you were parentified into a father role?

Cathy :

or were you a surrogate who was sexually involved?

Cathy :

help to clarify this please?

Cathy :

okay once again if you can stay online we can chat about this but if it is easier for you to do this in email format I can change your preference for you.

Cathy :

Its a little bit more clear what you are saying but lets tease this out here. It sounds to me as if your family of origin was such that you were parentified into being your mothers confidante. I dont think that you were her surrogate but certainly if you were that is okay and you can clarify this for us. Did you assume the role of husband as intimately as a husband would and hence surrogate or was this simply a case of parentification on your part to your mother because your father was emotionally distant. If you can clear that part up it would help a great deal and since you are no longer online and it does not seem reasonable for you to stay online would you like to change your preference to email? Thanks so much for the additional info. Warm regards, Cathy

Customer:

my father was rarely at home...i was the disciplinarian for my four younger siblings i sat next to my mother watching television shows i felt like the father i never had like he should have been in my place and i should have been allowed to be a child

Cathy :

Oh I see that you were parentified as a child and how does this make you a surrogate spouse? That part is not clear to me yet. I see that you were parentified as a child but how did you arrange to surrogate as a spouse? Can you please explain this part to us so someone can respond appropriately? Thanks so much. Cathy

Cathy :

I am switching this to email as you are not often online, you can respond there in your own time and I will get back to you as soon as I am online as well. Thanks again for clearing this up so we can help you. Looking forward to hearing back from you. Cathy

Expert:  Cathy replied 2 years ago.
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Expert:  Cathy replied 2 years ago.
Its okay just keep writing here and I will respond. Cathy
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Maybe I;m using the wrong terminology so I'll just say how I feel...I feel like the relationship with my mother on an emotional level inhibits me from connecting with another woman...there is i pull back to her at an emotional level that keeps me from giving all I have to give emotionally to another woman
Expert:  Cathy replied 2 years ago.

You know I do not think you are wrong in your feeling that your relationship with your mother has influenced your current relationships but surely you are not a surrogate? A surrogate means something entirely different from what you describe, so yes, if you don't put a label on it, I completely agree with you. I think your mother parentified you and when she did that you were more father than son and yes I very much think it interferes with your current relationships but I also think you can change this in fact because you are so aware and so insightful I know that you can. So if your question is how to do this I am going to be as honest as I can and say that you can not do that here online in this type of forum. You can do this with a handful of sessions with a good therapist who is non judgmental and caring and compassionate. I think you would be an excellent candidate for therapy because you are very intelligent and very insightful and you earnestly wish to understand this. Let me know how we can best address this from here? Let me know please so I know how best to help you from here. Warm regards, Cathy

Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
Cathy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
The biggest problem I have is I feel like Im in a constant state of flux.Iwas divorced 3 yrs ago from a 23 yr marriage and have had relationships with at least 6 woman both sexual and non sexual ranging anywhere from 7 mos to 2 weeks ranging from emotionally available to cold and distant I ended all of them except one and have remained friends with one of them...ive recently been talking to a girl for 2 mos on the phone whom I still havent met,I like her a lot but feel afraid to meet her because if it turns romantic and doesnt work out Ill lose her friendship

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Cathy
Cathy
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Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice