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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I discovered my Husbands affair just over a year ago, his

Customer Question

I discovered my Husband's affair just over a year ago, his mistress contacted me to ask whether we were still together!
Our relationship had deteriorated 2 years before this revelation, he had moved without discussion into a Flat that I also discovered he had a Mortgage on along with the affair! Shortly after he had moved out I discovered I had Breast Cancer and gained most of my support from Family and Friends he also provided support and along with contact daily continued a sexual relationship with me!
Following the exposure of the affair a year ago he was remorseful and wanted to make our Marriage work. There were promises that he would make it up to me! However he continues to live in the Flat has never returned to the House to live and his mistress is still living with him. Over the year he has denied a sexual/emotional relationship with her and although he has asked her to move out on several occasions this has not happened.
He is currently in debt that is spiraling out of control and is working Day and Night to afford a wage to pay his debtors.
A few days ago his mistress contacted me for the second time asking if he was at the House she wanted to speak with him.There had clearly been some tension as when he arrived at the House he said there was trouble at the Flat. She had apparently rummaged through his things and destroyed his Wedding Ring. I was curious so I asked questions regarding events over the last year that I had been suspicious of. She remarked on the first two years which had been very good but this last year had been difficult. He slept in the Front Room but she liked to serve him cooking for him and cleaning his clothes. She was worried that his hours were excessive and he needed caring for. She said he wanted her to stay in the Flat but contradicted herself and said because he had used her she wanted to use him! She said he liked Sex and on one occasion she had nearly called the Police when he had forced himself on her.
I am confused and upset and when I ask him about these things as he has over the past year he becomes angry, avoiding answering and walking off. How do I best deal with this most awlful of situations as I also worry for my Health
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It appears that your husband is in this situation only for himself. He is hurting you and allowing his mistress and his life with her mesh with you and your marriage with him. This is causing you undo stress, which you do not need on top of struggling with cancer.

 

The first step is to decide if you want to stay in this marriage. If you do, then several things need to happen:

 

Anytime a spouse strays outside the marriage it can cause strain to the marriage and undermine trust, which is essential to a good marriage.

You mentioned that you tried therapy. You may want to try it again, and this time with your husband. Both of you need to go to work this out.

There also needs to be clarification on some issues if he wants to come back and make this work.

One, is your husband sorry for what he is doing? This is important, because if he does not take responsibility, recovering your marriage will be difficult.

Two, your husband need to stop all contact with this other person. He must do so as a first step to regaining your trust.

Three, has he done anything to start repairing the marriage?

Four, are the two of you talking about what happened? Your husband needs to be open and honest about what he has done and let you ask any questions you need to. He broke the marriage vows and dragged you into another relationship. He needs to own up to it.

These are some of the most important issues you both need to be working on. Talk with your doctor about a referral to a therapist. If you attend church, talk with your pastor. Pastors are often very good marriage counselors. You can also search on line at http://www.bacp.co.uk/.

 

If your husband is unwilling to leave the other relationship and work on your marriage, you have two choices. Put up with the situation as it is or end the marriage. Putting up with this is going to cause you stress and affect your health. You do not need to be between your husband and his mistress or be treated so poorly. Ending the marriage is a way to begin the grief process and begin to heal so you can move on with your life. It will give you control over your life and hope for the future.

 

I hope this has helped,

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Kate. Many thanks for this Kate. Certainly your answer is constructive. However I need to understand why he is doing this to me, why has he not returned home and why is his mistress still living in the Flat. For the last 5months he has taken on another female lodger to help with the Mortgage.
On several occasions I have said I am not holding a Gun to his head and if he wants to leave he should. However he comes back to do Household bits taking me in and out of work. Why does he not let me go.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

You're welcome! I am glad to help.

 

There is no way to know for sure why he is doing this without talking to him directly, but it seems that he is thinking of himself in this situation. It may be that he is self centered, had a bad childhood where he learned relationships do not last or you cheat on a wife, he is stressed and doesn't know how to handle it, etc. There are a number of reasons men cheat, but none of them have to do with their wives. People cheat because they want to and think they can get away with it, not as a way to solve problems or get what they "need" outside of the marriage. Plus it gives them what they want, many partners with no consequences. This is benefiting your husband and no one else.

 

Rather than let him control of the relationship so he can decide if it's over, taking the reins yourself would help you feel better. You could decide if you are happy with the arrangement he has made. If not, end the marriage. It would give you a chance to find a mate that is faithful.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Kate. I feel vulnerable post my Breast Cancer Treatment and following a Mastectomy I feel I am not the woman I was. In my mind I feel we are not suited I am a proud person and I am ambarrassed as regards XXXXX XXXXX situation.
With his ridiculous work shedule there are times when I do not feel attracted to him at all, sometimes he can look quite unkempt.
I feel I need to gather strengh and esteem to walk from the Marriage and all those bits within it.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

It sounds like a good plan. It may be hard at first because you have suffered so much loss, but in the long run you will feel better and have a chance at a normal relationship.

 

Kate

 

 

 

If you found your answer helpful, please click the green ACCEPT button. Even if you placed a deposit, I am not out of it unless you accept. Thank you!

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Kate. Many thanks for your response today. Can I sleep on your replies before I accept your answer.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

If you could reimburse me for my work, I would appreciate it. And if you have further questions later, you can ask. Thank you!

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Kate, I'm sorry I have taken time to accept your answer but I value very much what you have said. It has allowed me to Stand away and see for myself what he truly is.
I am plagued at the moment by thoughts of anger and upset. I have explored in my mind events over the last year and suddenly all my suspicions add up and make sense,I feel I have been used when I have been at my most vulnerable.I feel a fool!
Will this dissipate and how best do I begin to think positively again? I suppose I am afraid, will I be happy again, will I be alright and will I find someone else.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.
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Kate McCoy
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues