Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
It appears that your husband is in this situation only for himself. He is hurting you and allowing his mistress and his life with her mesh with you and your marriage with him. This is causing you undo stress, which you do not need on top of struggling with cancer.
The first step is to decide if you want to stay in this marriage. If you do, then several things need to happen:
Anytime a spouse strays outside the marriage it can cause strain to the marriage and undermine trust, which is essential to a good marriage.You mentioned that you tried therapy. You may want to try it again, and this time with your husband. Both of you need to go to work this out. There also needs to be clarification on some issues if he wants to come back and make this work. One, is your husband sorry for what he is doing? This is important, because if he does not take responsibility, recovering your marriage will be difficult.Two, your husband need to stop all contact with this other person. He must do so as a first step to regaining your trust.Three, has he done anything to start repairing the marriage? Four, are the two of you talking about what happened? Your husband needs to be open and honest about what he has done and let you ask any questions you need to. He broke the marriage vows and dragged you into another relationship. He needs to own up to it.These are some of the most important issues you both need to be working on. Talk with your doctor about a referral to a therapist. If you attend church, talk with your pastor. Pastors are often very good marriage counselors. You can also search on line at http://www.bacp.co.uk/.
If your husband is unwilling to leave the other relationship and work on your marriage, you have two choices. Put up with the situation as it is or end the marriage. Putting up with this is going to cause you stress and affect your health. You do not need to be between your husband and his mistress or be treated so poorly. Ending the marriage is a way to begin the grief process and begin to heal so you can move on with your life. It will give you control over your life and hope for the future.
I hope this has helped,
You're welcome! I am glad to help.
There is no way to know for sure why he is doing this without talking to him directly, but it seems that he is thinking of himself in this situation. It may be that he is self centered, had a bad childhood where he learned relationships do not last or you cheat on a wife, he is stressed and doesn't know how to handle it, etc. There are a number of reasons men cheat, but none of them have to do with their wives. People cheat because they want to and think they can get away with it, not as a way to solve problems or get what they "need" outside of the marriage. Plus it gives them what they want, many partners with no consequences. This is benefiting your husband and no one else.
Rather than let him control of the relationship so he can decide if it's over, taking the reins yourself would help you feel better. You could decide if you are happy with the arrangement he has made. If not, end the marriage. It would give you a chance to find a mate that is faithful.
It sounds like a good plan. It may be hard at first because you have suffered so much loss, but in the long run you will feel better and have a chance at a normal relationship.
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You just need to work through the grief process. Therapy can help you greatly with the journey to feeling happy and positive again. Also, try getting as much support as possible. Your family, church, if you attend, and friends can provide support until you are feeling better again. The more you reach out, the better your chances of a quick recovery from this experience.