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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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hi... I had a 10 year relationship with another guy, now we

Customer Question

hi... I had a 10 year relationship with another guy, now we split because he says he wants to be alone to find himself, to forget about the fights we had in the past, and he says he will come back to me when he feels appropriate. He also says he loves me only as a friend, and he doesn't want any relationship at least for the moment. It appears to me like a crisis:he doesn't talk to the old friends we had any longer, he only has 2-3 of friends and prefers to stay alone most of the time. he avoids to go out with me as well. Can anybody tell me what is happening and how I could help him? In a discussion yesterday, he finally admitted to have a depression and a mental problem, and just says he wants to be alone so sort it out...
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 4 years ago.
As difficult as it seems for you to deal with this situation, he is right on in wanting to work things out on his own. As much as you want to help him through this difficult time, his wanting to spend time alone is exactly what I would recommend if I were speaking to a man who was having a personal crisis like this. I think you need to give him his space at this time and let him sort things out for himself. Sometimes, people who are in many relationships one after another or are with someone for a long time, have not spent a lot of time by themselves which is an important part of life, to find who you really are without influence from someone else. He may be feeling like he never had this opportunity. It will be hard for you to stay away because you have been with him for so long, but you need to respect his wishes. Let him know that you are there for him when he needs you and you can certainly call and check in on him just to see how he is doing. It is perfectly normal for someone to want to take some time to themselves. Don't panic. Let it play out, be there for him and support him without interfering and allow him to sort things out. Chances are, he will come back to you as a better person.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
he keeps telling me that he doesn't want this relationship any more, or any other relationship, that he wants to live alone till he dies, that he does't want to love or to be loved again. However he still sneaks and searches through my sms on my phone, see if I am involved with someone else, or opens my accounts on social networks to read my messages. He claims he doesn't love me any more, but he doesn't look me in the eyes when he says it... last discussion I saw tears in his eyes, he says he doesn't want to speak about it and he becomes even aggressive when I start a discussion like this. I will leave him alone, and put into practice your advice, which I did so far... except for this discussion we had in the morning, when I wanted to find out more, which was a mistake. Now that I saw your answer, I will leave him alone completely, as it seems to have a better impact on him... he kept telling me that I "suffocate" him though I hardly spoke to him lately. This confirms what you said...

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