Hi there, thanks for your reply. What you have said makes perfect sense as far as what my children will see and think is okay. My husband and I tried counseling. Our last separation was in 2008 for 8 months and I really thought we were going to make it. I had told him when he moved home that in order to forget the affairs and the leaving that I really needed alot of alone, one on one time with him outside of our home (where I live and work). He did this initially and then stopped. He said he stopped because I was "bitching" about things in general - not that he stopped.
In regards XXXXX XXXXX friend, he is not demanding a divorce, but what he is saying is that someone is going to get hurt and urged me to clear my head and if I am going to get divorced to move forward and handle it, not because of him, but because I need to have respect for myself (my husband has quite a temper and has shoved me around before but has not hit me with an open hand). I asked if filing for divorce was enough and he said that my husband and I could reconcile before the divorce was final.
My friend has gone as far as to say to pretend that he doesn't exist as I go through the process because he does not want me to make a life altering decision because of him. He is divorced and when he met his now ex-wife, she was in a serious relationship, left that relationship to be with him and then realized it was not what she had hoped for and left him. So I know that is coming into play here - in fact he says it is - he says he is not comparing me to her, but comparing the situations and he doesn't want anyone to get hurt.
I am so confused. I love my husband but I do not see us reconciling. I have fought so hard...... As for my friend, I thought everything was going good and I think the Thanksgiving holiday might have upset him. It was 2 days after Thanksgiving that he said that we needed to do the right thing because what we were doing was not fair or realistic (we have not had sex - have spent time together only once but talk daily) and that someone was going to get hurt. However on Friday an uncle who was like a grandfather to me passed away and I asked to talk to him (about my uncle and his decision to walk away) and he said yes. We ended up talking on the phone for 4 hours until 2 am. We talked about so many things - it was great but we never came to a conclusion as to if he was going to bend or not.
I don't know what to do.... I don't think our state recognizes legal separation and I don't want to say what state I am in. On top of that, my husband and I are both Christians and we know what God says about divorce. Yet, he plans on just us living together until he decides it's time to go - if he ever does. Any further advice you can give me would be appreciated.
Thank you very much for your response. Our marriage has been very difficult and I know I am to blame too since I have held on to some anger.
What about the situation with my friend that I talked about in my response? What are your thoughts about him and what he is saying in regards XXXXX XXXXX my marriage? I am very concerned aboutt this situation as well. What did you think about him saying that we have to stop right after Thanksgiving but then spending 4 hours on the phone with me the other night? Thanks for your help. I am obviously trying to sort this out.
That's okay. I would really like for you to answer since you have been working with me. I thought you were offline so I took the option to have someone online answer. Thanks in advance.
Okay I will do that bonus option, I just don't want to mistakenly end the discussion by hitting accept answer to apply the bonus.
I know that he did what he did on his own. I know he has tried since we reconciled 3 years ago, but he has done what he thought was best, XXXXX XXXXX I specifically requested (lots of time alone) in order to be able to trust him again (as per my earlier post).
Our children have been through so much with him leaving before and the last thing I want is to be the one that forces the divorce issue. I don't know if I can handle the guilt from doing that. My friend is right though, I do need to respect myself.
I think the issue with my friend is that while he does get that divorces take time, he thinks that I need to respect myself and take action for my own sake. At first I thought someone moving out or filing would be enough for him but Friday night he said the divorce would have to be final because too many people reconcile part way through. I understand his concerns, but I cannot rush this process for him or anyone else. I am just upset because we were friends first and have a great friendship that we realized could be something more and I don't want to lose that. I don't know what to do in regards XXXXX XXXXX I don't want to constantly contact him but he won't usually initiate contact first because of my husband. I want to respect his wishes but him pulling back has caused all sorts of doubts...... is he being honest as to why he is pulling back? If I give him space, how will he know I still am interested in him?
Yes, I have some self esteem issues from this marriage. I tend to feel like I am being selfish when I think about my wants and needs. I tend to always put others first and my husband will agree with that sometimes but then other times will say I am selfish and that he can't please me no matter what he does. I am going to see counseling for myself to work through these issues. I have to, or I will keep repeating the pattern.
Please let me know your thoughts on what I have said here about all subjects. Thanks.