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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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heres a biggy. i have been in love with a married man whos

Customer Question

here's a biggy. i have been in love with a married man who's wife has ms. she has been sick for over 16 years and is a parapalygic? i'm messed .. if you were me and have been him for 12 years.. what would you do?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer. I am so very sorry to hear about what is going on. Ironically, I have a colleague who was the husband of a woman with MS and was dating a female colleague and so am very familiar with what you are going through --- hearing both sides of the story. Needless to say, of course, not everybody is the same but ... I am sure there are issues in common.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You know, and I don't have to tell you --- it is very, very complicated.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

If he is a caring person, I'll bet he will not want to leave her but be there to take care of her. With my colleagues, what did happen when the MS wife died, he did marry the other colleague. You though, have to sort this out for yourself and decide if this is what you want to do --- wait to be with him all the time --- meaning living with him --- after his wife dies. That is pretty hard to do. So nobody can tell you to do this or not. It depends on your own feelings and whether you can hang on all this time --- not like you haven't already --- 12 years is a long time. I wish I can give you a happier resolution to this problem but there probably isn't one. He could, of course, leave her but what would that say about him. You are in a catch-22.

Customer:

we both agreed that he would care for her and that her life would be as full as possible. so i don't want that either.. in some way it makes me feel better about this..

Customer:

dr.shirley schaye.. we both agreed that he would continue to take care of her.. i didn't want him to leave her.. in some ways it makes me feel better about this...

Customer:

dr. shirley schaye ..with all of the information about cheating spouses.. do you catagorize this the same... i feel like i have spent my life pleasing him .. right now i just feel like i can't wait anymore..i am feeling resentful.. and i never felt this way before..

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

If you both agreed to that then I think the issue for you is --- do you really accept that. You know, I'll tell you that the people I know who were in this exact situation as you and your boyfriend are so well thought of about how they handled this situation. They are very well respected. I may add --- we're all in the mental health field.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So, again, it's up to you whether you can endure the wait --- to be alone with him. So to answer your question, what would I do --- to be totally honest, it's hard for me to really say because I've not been in that position. But knowing that situation from the outside for so...ooo many years, I really respect both of my colleagues for being the kind of people they were in this situation --- considering the MS wife's feelings and not abandoning her.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

If I were the other woman, I don't know how I'd feel. One has to be in it to know. But I want to say this that I certainly respect you for agreeing with him that and I quote you, " he would care for her and that her life would be as full as possible." So it's not really the same as what we would call a cheating spouse. So, if his wife were not disabled and he wanted a relationship would I accept --- my answer would be A B S O L U T E L Y NO!!!! This is a very different situation. But if you are feeling that you are resentful and can't handle it anymore that's your prerogative. And,and I may add, I could understand that, too. All of us, can only go by what is right for us. Who am I to tell you what to do. If you are feeling resentful, that's what you have to go by --- not what I or someone else will tell you what to do or not do.

Customer:

dr. Shirley Schaye..where do i see that comment?

Customer:

dr.shirley schaye. thank you.. just wondering when she dies.. and everybody knows.. because my heart on is on my sleeve.. what do i say? maybe i say we decided to let her have a wonderful life and now it;s my turn??

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I like what you said. Yes, that is very sensitive. You don't need to add --- "now it's my turn". That goes without saying.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You there?

Customer:

dr shirley schaye, thank you for having seen this first hand.. because i have never talked to anybody who has been in this situation and i have been feeling badly about it. i feel somewhat better now, and just have to ask him the questions matter which i am bad at.oh i am 54 and a terrible communicator..

Customer:

dr.shirley schaye, we jus

Customer:

dr. shirley schaye.. we just get quiet. hence the last week..

Customer:

dr. shirley schaye. thank you for your help.. how would i write you back?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

If you need to write me back, just put Dr. Shirley Schaye before your question and I will be the one to respond.

Customer:

dr.shirley schaye... is there anything that i should read that you would recommend?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I'll pause here and await your response to see if there is anything you would like to add to this chat.If you have other questions, don't hesitate to ask. If I have answered your questions, please click on ACCEPT and leave feedback. Bonuses are always appreciated. You can always ask more questions after you have clicked on Accept. As I said, put Dr. Shirley Schaye before your response and I will be the one to respond.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I have not seen anything written about this. But if you need to talk again about this you can always contact me. If you feel you would like to see a therapist so that you have someone to talk to on a regular basis, that's ok, too.

Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience: PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
Dr. Shirley Schaye and 5 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.
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Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.
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