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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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A friend of ours was going through a bad patch in her life

Customer Question

A friend of ours was going through a bad patch in her life so we let her stay at ours for a few weeks. She eventually moved out and went on tour with a rock band selling merchandise for them but dropping off the tour early so she could go to Florida.
On Monday, my wife of 15 months told me she was going on tour with this rock band selling merchandise in place of the other girl. "When?" I asked. "Tomorrow" she replied. She claims that this band, the members of which neither of us know, called her up out of the blue asking her to go on tour with them. I was not best pleased about this and didn't believe that she only knew the day before.She went anyway. I contacted the girl who'd gone to Florida asking her how long ago this had been arranged. She refused to answer but after much pressing she told me that it had been arranged about a month ago. I then called my wife with this information and asked why she had lied to me. She was adamant that the first time she knew anything was Monday. I then discovered that there was no tourbus with on-board accommodation but they were travelling in a splitter van and sleeping in motels using three rooms between them which meant that each night my wife was sharing a room with a man I did not know. You can probably imagine how angry I was. We ended up having a row over the telephone . She was then uncontactable for two days and when I finally did manage to contact her she said she had lost her phone charger. I also contacted the tour manager and let him know my feelings. As a result they won't be using her again and she's now accused me of spoiling her fun, being paranoid and possessive.

When I was a single man I used my annual leave from my job to tour with a rock band. I did this for 10 years but gave it up after marriage so I could use that leave to spend time/go on holiday with my wife.

She now claims "What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander". She wants me to go back on tour (with a different band) and she has decided that she likes this touring lifestyle and wants to do more of it. I said I didn't think that it would be healthy for our relationship. I have seen many failed relationships as a result of band touring and I don't want the same for us.

She didn't have a father figure around during her life and was basically did what she pleased. She was a bit of a wild one if you see what I mean. Now that she's married she doesn't like it if I attempt to put my foot down on certain issues. I don't own or control her but she says I am trying to control her. I'm going to arrange a meeting with a counselor but would appreciate your thought on this scenario.
The way I see it is that there has been no honesty or consideration. She's decided to go and nothing was going to stop her. It's made me ask what other lies have been said in the past.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 4 years ago.
What is happening right now is when you hit a certain point in life you begin to think differently. Certain life events can change how you look at things. Your wife decided to go on tour because she wanted a change in her life. This is something she enjoys doing. But when you are married two people make the decisions on what is best for both of their lives. It sounds like she needed that sense of freedom, but maybe you both could make the decision to go on tour together. She also might have been trying to show you what your life once was. She knew for a month, but she probably wasn't sure if she was going to go, so she might of decided the day before. She accussed you of spoiling her fun, but you both have a commited relationship that comes first. Communication is a major factor in a marriage and all this should have been discussed. You both need to sit down and talk about your wants and needs.if you have anymore questions I am here to help you.

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