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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1817
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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WEVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR YEARS, WITH LOTS OF UPS & DOWNS. LAST

Resolved Question:

WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR YEARS, WITH LOTS OF UPS & DOWN'S. LAST AUG,THINGS CAME TO A HEAD & HE INSISTED ON HAVING SPACE FROM EACH OTHER, WHICH I FOUND VERY HARD TO BEGIN WITH. WE MET ONCE A WEEK & WE SEEMED TO BE GETTING ON VERY WELL. HE APPEARED MUCH HAPPIER & I ENJOYED MY TIME APART ALSO. HOWEVER, RECENTLY I ASKED TO TALK & TO MAKE A DECISION ABOUT US. NOW HE SAYS HE WANTS OUT,THAT WE WANT DIFFERENT THINGS. WE BOTH STILL LOVE EACH OTHER, STILL, KISS, CUDDLE & ARE INTIMIATE, BUT HE SAYS HE NEEDS TO BE ON HIS OWN. THERE IS NO-ONE ELSE INVOLVED- HE JUST LOVES WAKENING IN THE MORNINGS & HAVE NO PLANS FOR THE DAY. HE FEELS THIS IS THE 1ST TIME IN HIS LIFE HE CAN DO WHAT HE WANTS (HIS PARENTS, DAD IS PARTICULAR IS QUITE CONTROLLING). IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR US?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
You mentioned about his parents being controlling. What happens is when under the control of others all you dream about is that one day that you will be able to do what ever you want. When parents are controlling you do not have that freedom to do anything you want and this carrys with you as you get older. The minutes someone even suggest a plan, the person gets defensive and tries to fight for controll, it might even push them away. They have to in control of their life at all times. He need s to be able to come up with his own decisions. You can suggest things, but ti has to be his idea. If you said, it would be nice to go out for dinner some time. But if you said I made reservations at this restaurant at 6pm. This would cause him to feel like he was being forced to eat at a certain place and at a certain time. Things have to be worded differently to give him a choice. He has to have control over his life. If he doesn't this causes an effect of him getting upset and some times people just feel like not trying. So he need to be reassured that this relationship can work. That he has controll of his life and its ok if you both want different things, you just make these decisions as they come along. Even if you share your life in the sense that you ask for his advice on things this helps with feeling in control and helping you that he is needed. All he even knew was someone making decisions for him and no one asking for his opinion. If you have anymore questions I am here.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for your reply. Yes, everytime I try to plan something now, he gets annoyned. He says he loves the freedom of doing whatever he wants, with no-one to answer to.
I have tried explaining to him, that I dont want to infringe on him having his freedom, to do what he likes to do, as I now enjoy & appreciate my own free time. I feel we could both have this & still have a loving relationship together, but he just wont listen at all. Is there anyway of getting around this?
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
You both enjoy having that free time and balancing both shouldn't be a problem. You both respect each others space which is good. You both love and care about each other. His personality is someone that you can't explain or tell him about how he can still have his freedon and still have a relationship with you. You need to show him it can work. You need to both just take a step back and enjoy each other with out any pressure. He gets annoyed at plans because he need to be the planner and you need to be the suggester. He needs that freedom to make plans with you. You don't want him annoyed because he will pull away. Show him that this can work and do not explain anymore too him how it is going to woek out.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1817
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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