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Ask Suzanne Your Own Question

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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What does this all mean? Recently the man i have been involved

Resolved Question:

What does this all mean?

Recently the man i have been involved with for a better part of 5 yrs re-contacted me after being gone for 5 months. Now granted I initiated the contact by wishing him and his family a Happy Thanksgiving.

I have been through a myriad of things with this man and NOT all of it good I might add. IE:finding out he had a live in GF etc...

He wrote back telling me that "I was one of the best lovers and friends he's had in his life" and most recent this one after I asked him if the reason for not coming to see me was because he was too busy or did something else have his attention?

This was his response:

It's not like that at all......
I'm trying to sort everything out at this point.

I still feel that you deserve a man that can be with you all the time, not someone, like me, who can only come by every now and then.

I had hoped, in a strange way, that you would have found someone to fill the void left during my absence, but the selfish side of me wants
no one else to stroke that pussy and ass but me.....

The battle rages on inside......

Someone told me that it was a polite way of telling me that he was involved elsewhere and the best he could do was come every now and then.

I don't see where this is stated and read it more along the lines of he's confused on what to do. That he hopes I didn't move on and find someone else and would like to come and see me sometime in the future.

What i need is some kind of help trying to understand all of this.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for bringing your question to Just Answer!

My reaction to what he wrote is that he enjoyed having sex with you, and wants the option to have sex in the future. No man would write what he wrote (about stroking) to a woman he loved and respected. He even listed lover before friend. He made it loud and clear what he wants from you.

If what you want from him is a purely sexual encounter, it sounds like that will happen. If you're looking for an actual relationship, this isn't the man.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Do you feel in your professional opinion that he wants me to move on? making reference to the "I had hoped, in a strange way you would have found someone else in my absence".


I think he doesn't know one way or the other and is searching for this information.


And what do you make of a response like this? This is from a girlfriend of mine and IMO it's sounds very HARD and HARSH. It all could be true what she writes but WHY come out at someone like that?


"I read it like this....


He does NOT want a relationship with you--not now and not EVER!

that message is VERY VERY CLEAR!

there is no mistakingit--he essentially left you already & what he's saying is he is in a relationship elsewhere and had NOT intended to hear from you again & hoped you found someone else.


Do you sense he's in a relationship elsewhere and even though he may come by for the sexual end that he TRULY wants me to move on?

Expert:  Suzanne replied 4 years ago.

I have to say, that though I disagree with the harsh tone, I agree with her reading of this. She may have been extra harsh because she doesn't want you wasting time waiting for someone that will probably never show up, and if he does, it will just be for sex.

Yes, it sounds like he's in a relationship, and was just trying to let you down gently. But he was making it clear that he has no intention of being in a relationship with you. He clearly has fond memories of the sex, but that's it. Remember, you reached out to him, He didn't make any effort on his own to contact you, other that to respond to your message.

It's a little sad that you would put so much energy into a man who completely lied to you and had a live-in girlfriend and has gone away for 5 months without contacting you. I think you can do better than him. If you settle for just sex, you won't be available to the man who will fall in love with you and respect you, and who wants to be with you. Don't sell yourself short.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

So what do you suggest I do with his clothes that are in my house?


I just can't show up at his house if he's actually in another relationship.


i wouldn't even dream of calling his house.

Expert:  Suzanne replied 4 years ago.
Donate them to charity. If he hasn't needed them in 5 months, he doesn't need them. Some poor person will be delighted to get them, and you will have done a good deed.
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