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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1714
Experience:  PHD LPC
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Hi, I have a long term illness, and my Hubby is my carer...

Resolved Question:

Hi, I have a long term illness, and my Hubby is my carer... although I fight for independence every day. I don't want him to become resentful of the things he dose for me... Have you got any suggestions as to how we can keep thing going. We don't have a sex life any more due to my illness, but as far as I can tell this is not coursing a problem, but that might just be from my perspective :O)
He has had to take over all the cooking as well, and we can not go on holiday because I have so many issues, I really feel for him, and even though he says he is ok, I still worry that under his mild mannered exterior there is a seething mass of resentment... We are both what I call eccentric, and don't enjoy socialising, we are both home birds, and love our hobbies... We don't have a lot of money for obvious reasons but I do encourage him to keep an interest in his...
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Keane :

I can help you today.

Dr. Keane :

I am sorry that you are going through this situation, it's tough on both of you.

Dr. Keane :

If the situation were reversed and he was the one who needed care would you feel resentful? What he is doing is part of your marriage vows, to love one another in sickness as well as in health. He is showing his love for you by taking care of you. Your worry should be set aside, takes too much energy and just believe that he is okay. I understand how difficult this feels, it isn't easy trying to maintain your independence when you are ill.

Dr. Keane :

You can keep things going by doing as much of the things you enjoy together for as long as you are able. Yes, it's important for him to not totally focus on just your needs, so you are smart to encourage him to take time for his own interests. However, he may be satisfied most by being involved in your day to day care, whether you recognize it or not. That is real love in action.

Customer:

Trouble is I cared for my mother for 30 years girl and woman, she is now in a nursing home way before her years because of her M.S...It broke my relationship with my Mum, and I did get resentful at times, although now the pressure is off balance has been restored ... but I have seen it from both sides, and it still remains a worry, as no one should have to cope alone, even if it is in your vowles, he new I was ill when I met him but don;t think he new what he let himself in for lol

Dr. Keane :

well if everyone knew what they were "in for" when they get married, well a lot of people might never get down the aisle. You two sound like a "fit", you are projecting your situation with your mother but that was completely different from the current situation. You were a young girl and young people are still exploring life's offerings. That you had to care for a mother took some of that away from you.

Dr. Keane :

You are right , no one should have to cope all along and both of you are coping together. He married you because he wanted to, you have similar needs, that is, you both like being home, not socializing etc. For him, hobbies may be enough.

Dr. Keane :

alone, I meant to type!

Dr. Keane :

I have to go offline for awhile so please feel free to comment and I'll get to it when I return.

Customer:

I agree, when we first got together he would just up and run to his mum, were he new I could not get to him, he made me very ill over the two years just after we married, very stressful, since we have found common ground as we were both abused as children and have tried to find ways to allow this in our relationship, as it is very complicated, but special to as the understanding is there, and hope I have helped him to explore and heal some of the issues he had with his parents and the abuse as I had dealt with mine some years before, I just feel robbed of everything now, and being just a few weeks off my 40th, life seems a little stale :O( We are in separate beds, due to me needing a electric bed, but apart from missing the closeness this has worked well for us. I just continually feel haunted he may start running again, and this time I have nothing in place to help me cope. I am not saying he will, just I no he feel torn sometimes as his Mum now has cancer and everything has got complicated again, On top of all this he brings my Mum home once a week to visit it's alot of pressure for him, well for all of us, the world would be wonderful if guilt was not an issue

Dr. Keane :

I hear you, guilt is a useless emotion most of the time and I always tell people to "give it up" and move on . I would suggest that you stay focused on what is positive about your relationship, which is, you have each other. If you worry about him running you are missing out on the present and that is what counts. You have a special connection and he sounds content. Nothing in life is perfect and I'm sorry you are ill but. in spite of that you can feel comforted and at peace if you stay in the present, one day at a time. He's here, he loves you and yes, there will be bumps in the road but worrying isn't going to make them go away. Face the bumps when they happen. I hope this was helpful.

Dr. Keane :

Please accept when you leave the chat so I get credit for my response.

Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1714
Experience: PHD LPC
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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane
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PHD LPC