I'm not sure which expert to accept. I just finished a long reply w/ explanation when my browser refreshed & I lost it all. The summary of it is why would I ever leave a man or relationship that brings me joy, love and happiness? I have searched my whole life and never found anyone or any relationship as meaningful and healthy as this one. My question was simply around his need to have me not drink while he did. I don't agree that he is a "controlled drinker". My mom's a "recovering" alcoholic. I've been in ACOA all my life. I know I'm not an alcoholic. I can take it or leave it.
He's a very sensitve, caring, loving, monogomous man. He was divorced 10 years ago. Then, he was in a committed 8 yr relationship which ended when he proposed last March and she said "maybe". It ended but he doesn't know why she didn't want to marry him. That tells me they didn't communicate as well as he thought they did. I don't know if his ex-wife was/is a drinker. She is/was a sex addict who goes/went to sex clubs, which is why they divorced. She's bipolar as well. I don't know if his dad was an alcoholic. His family does drink frequently, nothing excessive.
He has felt very overwhelmed w/ financial stresses due to the severe economic recession we all know about. He has a lot more responsibility than I have. Everyone has their limits. This doesn't mean that his need to not commit more emotionally has anything to do with me. I do truly feel he's afraid and stressed about his business. He has his teens to provide for, on top of dealing w/ the dyfunctions of his ex, mother and a few crazy clients.
It's perfectly normal for people to need "space" in relationships.. which doesn't mean that they're not a "fit". Life is not black & white that way. The only thing that's a bit odd to me is his need for me not to drink, when he does. I do feel it's a combination of him testing me, and keeping himself emotionally a step back so he doesn't feel controlled by his feelings of falling in love with me.
There are some things that we need to fill within ourselves that can't be filled by finding the "perfect" fit. If that void is there, within one's heart, the search outside will continue and that void won't be filled by anything else except self-love.
When he had to take percocet for his back, he told me (by mistake), that he felt he used to be "someone important.. and that now".. he feels he's "nothing". He quickly added that he shouldn't be talking while on medication. I do feel he has low self-esteem, especially due to his ex's and last lover's rejection of him as a man. That's a tall order to heal from all that "perfectly". I don't know anyone who doesn't have old wounds to heal in some way. That's where a loving, unconditional relationship can help both people heal their hearts in a healthy inter-dependent (no co-dependant) way.
Perhaps I misunderstood both of your responses; however, it seems as though your doubts FAR exceed any of mine.. which are very small. If someone wants a reason out of a relationship, do they include another in intimate family holiday celebrations as he has and is still?
If he left me today, I'd still be grateful for the joy, happiness and love he has shared with me. I'll never regret that. I focus on this moment. I am happy and in love. I'm more grateful than I can express in words. This feeling energizes me and brought such beauty to my world and my life. My day to day experiences are richer, more beautiful, more meaningful. I'd never walk away from that.
What ever precipitated or is causing this miraculous feeling I'm experiencing today, whether it's one or many things/people in my life today, I'm truly grateful.
Life's too short to keep questioning the beauty that is right in front of us, rather than simply embracing it and being grateful for our blessings.
The only reason I wrote was because I thought it was odd why he would want to see me not drinking when he is. I think I know. But, I'm interested in reading another's perspective on that.
I'm not flat out rejecting your responses. I honestly can't agree that he's looking for a reason out because he doesn't see a fit. His actions speak volumes. He has completely included me with his family by his choice. That tells me he wants me in his life in many ways.
Maybe the whole reason for the drinking disparity will be revealed in time and I just need patience. I'm happy today. How many of us can truly say that?