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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1715
Experience:  PHD LPC
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Hi,I had a big drunken argument with my boyfriend - not

Customer Question

Hi, I had a big drunken argument with my boyfriend - not for the first time - on friday - he';s really angry with me - he went away this weekend and we have talked - although i've given him space and not contacted him - he contacted me first. Things are really strained and difficult at the moment - he comes home tonight although I'm not sure when I'm going to see him as we don't live together - I asked him if he'd be around this week and he said yes probably. when I spoke to him yesterday I asked if we were going to be okay and he said probably we'd take it one step at a time I have committed to stopping drinking and started seeing an alcohol counsellor - I have apologised for my behaviour and he knows I'm getting help - I'm really scared that it's going to be over - things are so strained when i speak to him and I really want to see him but at the same time am terrified he's going to tell me it's over
I'm worried because on saturday he said we should just finish, and then when I spoke to him on sunday (he called me) and asked him if we were going to be okay he said probably but I'm scared he's going to keep changing his mind
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Keane :

I can help you today.

Customer:

thank you - I am going crazy - I have a day off work today so have too much time to constantly run this over in my head

Dr. Keane :

What you need to do right now is to commit to staying sober, seeing the counselor on a regular basis and show your boyfriend that this is a lifestyle change you are willing to make for yourself, not just for him.

Dr. Keane :

I know it's scary for you right now and you fear losing him.

Customer:

i think I should explain about my drinking just to give you a better idea. I don;t drink all the time - in most cases it's usually on the weekend. I'll be fine with one or two drinks but if I have any more, I just seem to snap - go from sober to drunk really quickly and then end up shouting at him

Customer:

i've been too scared to admit that I need help - talking to one of my friends last night, she said she'd been worried about what happens when i drink

Dr. Keane :

As long as he knows you are serious about changing your behavior in regards XXXXX XXXXX that may be enough for him to want to continue your relationship. You don't have to drink everyday to have a problem, yours is how much is enough and your friend is right to be worried.

Dr. Keane :

Knowing this is the case the couseling will benefit you greatly. Right now he may be angry, probably not as angry as he was on Friday, or Saturday and if you know he cares about you then you need to show him (and yourself ) that you are willing to change.

Dr. Keane :

How old are you guys?

Customer:

I'm 37 and my boyfriend is 33 - we've been together for 15 months

Customer:

i' m just scared that on the sat he said we should end it, he contacted me first and then on the sunday I asked him if we were going to be okay - after i told him what I was doing to stop drinking and he said yeah probably, then he said we'd take it one step at a time but I'm scared he's going to keep changing his mind

Dr. Keane :

So you are not "kids", you are old enough to know that you need to change and kudos to you for already taking the initiative to change, you are on the right road. I know you're afraid he'll end it and he may but you are doing all you can to work on the problem and it has to be done for your sake, not his. One step at a time isn't such a bad thing, you'll gain confidence as you go through therapy.

Customer:

i spoke to him earlier today - he called me - and I was calm, he said he'd text when he was on the train back - I won't see him tonight as we don't live together - it's been hard but I've not constantly called or texted him I did ask him if he was going to be around this week and he said yeah probably - i think I need to talk to him face to face but I'm worried that he's going to end things when I see him as he's not the type to do that sort of thing over the phone. When i do see him, how should I handle it? I've tried when I've spoken to him to be calm and not crying or pleading

Dr. Keane :

You are also smart not to text/call him to much right now, when you see him keep it simple, watch his cues and react calmly. Ask him if he has any questions and let him know that you would like (don't beg) him to be supportive during this shaky time. If he does say it's over, try your best to not react by begging. That will only make it worse. If you keep it simple, tell him what you need to say about his support and then drop it. If you think it is a good idea (I don't know much about you guys ) you might want to ask him to accompany you to therapy so you can learn how to communicate open and honestly.

Customer:

i think part of the problem is the waiting - waiting to see him - but I'm not pushing him on it - which is so difficult for me to do - I;m back at work tomorrow which will be good as I really need to focus on something else -

Customer:

is it positive that he's talking to me? I have completely backed off - I know he needs his space at the moment - i'm trying to stop myself over-analysing every comment he makes but it's really hard

Dr. Keane :

All you can do is what you are doing. Remember, he went from saying end it to you probably have a change, that is positive and you need to stay focused on positives, not the "what if's". One thing you need to make sure (and I'll repeat this ad nauseum) is that you need to do this for you, for your psychological well being and for you own self-esteem. Yes, the fight was the trigger and threatened your relationship but you may find in hind sight it was the best thing for you, since you realize you need to change.

Customer:

thanks Dr Keane

Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1715
Experience: PHD LPC
Dr. Keane and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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Dr. Keane
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PHD LPC