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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question

Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7328
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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Hi, Ive been in a relationship with my partner for 4.5 years.

Resolved Question:

Hi,

Ive been in a relationship with my partner for 4.5 years. We've had a rough year and Ive not helped by not supporting her enough with her career aim after she completed her degree course and got a 1st class. This has ended with increasingly intense arguing betweeen us as we both feel stuck and really frustrated with each other wanting somewhat different things.

She has said various things about wanting space to think. She said last week she wants to move out and spend 6months living apart and no contact during the forst month or so. She says various things like she loves me but the spark has been affected because of the arguong, which is fair although I dont want her to go. Shes been increasingly spending time away with friends and her brother and now increasingly spending nights away. She says we will probably get back together after the 6 months as she still ,loves me, but I feel shes letting me down gently. She continually says she needs to live alone to find herself and give herself a chance to miss me.

She went away this weekend and I honoured what she asked and didnt contact her for 3 days and she of course didnt check in with me either. Feels so strange.

Shes coming back tonight (she said she was) and Im petrified what to do or say and what will happen now. Ive never been good about leaving her space and this weekend I actually managed it for once, so in a way im hoping she may have taken that as a positive.

I would like her to sty and we try to work things out rather than break up our home together. Even if that means her having lots of time like this weekend to feel better.

What should I do, what should I expect to happen now?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 2 years ago.
-- You should be rather proud of yourself for doing what you did, despite how difficult it was for you. You put her first and you acted quite selfless.

As for what will happen next, no one can know for sure, but I can say that if she is willing to work selflessly and compromise, despite how hard it might be for her, then the two of you should manage past this period of 'growing pains' and last a good, long time.

Not all relationships sail smoothly into the sunset of our lives. Sometimes we hit rough waters and it can be very unsettling. It's how we handle it that makes all the difference.

Time apart or 'trial separations', in my opinion, are fine if short (a day or a few) and if upon coming back together the couple resolves to attend 'couples counceling'.

Otherwise, the only thing you've done is take the steaming teapot off the fire and let it a cool a bit - then put it right back on, expecting a different thing to happen.

You both need to uncover some tools to help you work through this and other rough spots to come and learn from a professional, unbiased, 3rd party how to use those tools.

You'll probably say you have no time for this or cannot afford it (very common responses), but let me ask you, how much time will you have if the relationship fails and ends? What is the value of this relationship to you?

Suddenly, spending an hour a week for perhaps a month is neither too much time nor too costly. There are many churches that you don't have to be a member of that provide these services for low or no cost --- all just to improve the marriage failure rate of 50% or more.

-- So that's what you should do. Calmly, gently ask her to invest an effort right along with you in having someone objectively guide you both through this and help put you back on the road to 'forever'.

If she agrees, you know she wants it to work and is willing to make an equal effort. If she doesn't agree, then I suggest you go alone - and get the support you need to decide whether it's worth staying in a relationship that might be one sided.

Either way - stay strong and again, be very proud of yourself for what you've done

Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7328
Experience: Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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