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Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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Hello. I am in a very difficult situation. i am a 39 year

Resolved Question:

Hello. I am in a very difficult situation. i am a 39 year old man who is currently working away from his family (who are in the uk) myself working in the mining industry in Australia. My wife is a very dominant and selfish ( her own admittance) person. I am working here so that she can set up her business and to pay for my daughters school fees. We come from very different backgrounds, my father a socialist, her parents self made millionaires. I have been cheated on in , the past, and whilst i dont have any concrete evidence ( i am ashamed to say i looked at her emails this week so then she looked at mine, thus causing a massive furore. I am struggling being so isolated from my family ( 8yr old daughter) and i know she has been struggling there also. She has always worked out at the gym a lot and recently has taken off her wedding band ( a sort of heirloom) as the weights are scratching it, but then she goes out with her single friends without the ring on? Then tells me not to read into it and i love you etc. While i have saved a fair chunk of money i have earned here, she this week has been out 3 times hired babysitters, and had 2 days off work unpaid. Due to me reading her emails she deliberately yesterday decided to not let me know what she was doing in the evening i assume as a sort of test. I do not want to be here but money is keeping me here and i know that if i went home which i am seriously contemplating doing that it would be looked upon as letting the family down. We have both said in the past that we are sort of an odd couple and have had our bad moments, its just that i seem to be always trying to make her happy. I am a loving and caring person and voice this with words to her, while she is quite cold and does not say the things i say back to me. I realise i have issues and am seeing a therapist tomorrow, but all she says when i question her loyalty is that its all in my head and i should go and see someone. She is a very clever person and often in emails says the things i want to hear. I want to go home but the money and the fear of being viewed as a failure are keeping me here. Its actually making me feel ill. Surely a loving and caring partner would say, dont worry about it,come home , we can work it out. But once in an email she has said that my lack of staying power is really pissing her off although she does not like to be without our daughter for 1 night. Close friends are telling me to come home. I am sitting hear waiting for her to skype me in a few hours, " not early, we will contact you". I need advice
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 2 years ago.

Cathy :

Hi and thanks for writing JA

Cathy :

are you here?

Cathy :

Hi are you there?

Customer:

yes, thank you

Cathy :

ah good to see you

Cathy :

how are you holding up tonight?

Customer:

am worried

Cathy :

yes I am sure

Cathy :

I have read your post

Cathy :

I understand why you are where you are

Cathy :

its hard for me to understand the rest

Cathy :

may I ask a few more questions please?

Customer:

what do you need to know

Cathy :

your family is back in the UK?

Cathy :

or the US?

Customer:

uk

Cathy :

she is in the UK?

Customer:

yes

Cathy :

okay so I read that correctly

Cathy :

You are working so she can set up her business?

Customer:

yes

Cathy :

what kind of business does she intend to set?

Customer:

she is a qualified migration agent helping people gain access to Australia

Cathy :

okay yes I see

Cathy :

and she took her band off as she is lifting weights which would cause harm

Cathy :

to her band that is?

Customer:

yes, to the ring,

Cathy :

that is what you say

Cathy :

okay

Cathy :

let me read back one more time to see if I have missed something

Cathy :

okay so I have reread again

Customer:

i am not trusting her and am unsure wether to go back home is my question really

Cathy :

the question is what exactly? are you asking us if you should go home or stay?

Cathy :

not sure

Cathy :

oh well I think anyone can see she is not to be trusted

Cathy :

that part is pretty easy

Cathy :

but should you go home or not is unclear to me

Cathy :

you say you have saved a fair amount of money

Cathy :

do you think if you went back to the UK

Cathy :

you could support yourself and your daughter, could you get a job asap?

Customer:

well i have only been away for 4 months and been working for 2. but we do have 30- 40 thousand between us in savings

Cathy :

okay very good

Cathy :

so you think you can go back home and find a place to live and support your child until you find work?

Customer:

work situation in the uk is not good for me even though am a qualified plasterer

Cathy :

yes exactly why I asked about finances

Cathy :

exactly why I asked

Customer:

exactly, there is my dilemma

Cathy :

okay

Cathy :

have you spoken with an attorney?

Cathy :

someone familiar with divorce law in the UK yet?

Customer:

i dont think it will go anywhere near that far down the track. Why would i do that?

Cathy :

okay you tell me?

Customer:

my problem is,i sort of need to be here for the money,i am not convinced about my wife, but am feeling pressured to be here

Customer:

despite it making me feel ill

Cathy :

okay and you do not think she is betraying you? you are okay with her behaviors there? that works for you> right?

Customer:

Not really. i feel i am making a massive sacrifice, and although she is working part time, setting up her business and looking after our daughter i feel i havethe rougher deal

Cathy :

okay so you are fine with her behaviors its just that you feel as if you have the hard part in this by being away

Cathy :

okay now I understand somewhat better

Cathy :

so you wish to go home because you are making the money but missing the family life and yet there are no jobs for you where you live so that is the dilemma?

Customer:

no to her behaviour and yes to the i have the hard part

Cathy :

no to her behavior means that you know she has left the marriage but you also know you cant do a thing about it

Cathy :

or does it mean that no, you dont agree but you know you cannot do anything about it from so far away

Customer:

she has not left the marriage, i have no proof of that!

Cathy :

or no means that its okay for her to do this to you but you dont like it so much

Cathy :

okay I see

Cathy :

then my answer is easy

Cathy :

go home

Cathy :

no question

Cathy :

go home

Cathy :

let her support you for a while

Customer:

she is earning next to nothing, have private school fees to pay

Cathy :

forty thousand dollars is enough for a family of three to live on for a year even in this awful economy

Cathy :

and if you must switch schools

Cathy :

you know you cannot have this both ways?

Customer:

i know, the failure i will feel from every one is awful if i go home

Cathy :

okay failed how?

Cathy :

tell me how please so I can help you?

Cathy :

tell me how you have failed

Cathy :

you have a wife who treats you horribly from thousands of miles away

Cathy :

and you refuse to consider that she should behave differently

Cathy :

and then you worry that you should come back and tend to your child

Cathy :

please help me out on this?

Customer:

havent managed to stick it out. also the idea to do this was sort of mine even though i didnt want to do it. and then i really want to get my oz passport in september

Cathy :

I am not sure what an OZ passport is? can you tell me?

Customer:

Australian passport. we have moved back and forth 3 times. Australia to england and back again

Cathy :

very good then

Customer:

Look the passport isnt worth my marriage or my health

Cathy :

no I sort of agree too

Cathy :

I dont think its worth your health at all

Cathy :

not at all

Cathy :

so we are on the same page

Customer:

pretty much. i just know going back in her eyes may be the end of our marriage anyway

Cathy :

so absolutely do what ever it takes for you to feel better no matter what anyone says or thinks

Cathy :

I completely support you on this

Cathy :

well she is very selfish and very cruel just based upon what you have written here

Cathy :

so my take is?

Cathy :

no huge loss to you if she leaves you which it sounds to me as if she has already done

Cathy :

its up to you

Cathy :

you tell me its not time to see a divorce attorney

Cathy :

and yet, she says the things she does to you?

Cathy :

oh my

Cathy :

I would have secured the advice of an attorney yesterday, and confidentially so

Customer:

i will be battling her wealthy family who i really get on with! they even say how difficult there daughter is

Cathy :

I wouldnt battle them at all

Cathy :

I would just think myself a worthy husband and not worry so much about their money

Cathy :

character always wins over bank accounts

Customer:

i cant but you know what i mean, just need the strength to do this

Cathy :

you can do this

Cathy :

you have parents living? siblings?

Customer:

yes my sister cannot really stand her, said she is not right for me

Cathy :

I always liked your sister

Cathy :

always liked her a lot you know :

Cathy :

LOL

Cathy :

my kind of girl your sister

Customer:

i suppose that is the answer then

Cathy :

I can only tell you this one thing that I know about women and know so very well

Cathy :

I am sure my wedding band was not nearly as expensive as your wife s ring

Cathy :

but when I was working at the Trade Towers as a first responder

Cathy :

someone suggested I take off my rings

Cathy :

and I could not bear that thought. SO for six months I taped my rings with duct tape.

Cathy :

I could not even consider removing my wedding rings.

Cathy :

so it really knocked my socks off when you said she had to remove her ring to work with weights

Cathy :

no woman in love does this?

Customer:

i know. the ironic thing is i cant wear mine for work as its a safety issue with the machinery, but i had to be told every day for 2 weeks before i took it off and even then very begrudgingly! dont despair. i am her 2nd husband!

Cathy :

funny but not so funny either

Cathy :

yea I know exactly why it was so hard for you

Cathy :

it was not acceptable for me

Cathy :

so yea I kow

Cathy :

know

Customer:

cause i am nuts, still a tiny part of me loves her

Cathy :

I think a whole big huge part of you loves her or at least loves whom you wish she would be

Cathy :

and thats okay

Cathy :

what is not so okay is that you seem to think its okay for her to say and do the things to you she has done

Cathy :

that part is so so not okay

Customer:

i know have just been a weak person thats all

Cathy :

LOL I dont think you are weak at all

Cathy :

I think you just have a hard time seeing this all because you are so blinded by your emotions as any of us would be

Cathy :

when we are in love with someone we just accept a lot of nonsense sometimes

Cathy :

and you have done that very well. which by the way is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of tolerance and patience

Cathy :

but yea, she is too selfish to love you so you do have to go at some point

Cathy :

you are not so weak at all

Cathy :

just made not such a good choice in wife

Cathy :

happens a lot my friend

Customer:

many thanks cathy, i have that sinking feeling! haha

Cathy :

I think you are a terrific guy and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I hope this works out for you and if it does not work out for you.................well, I have a strong feeling that somewhere there is a wonderful woman who will appreciate you and your tremendous strength and your ability to sacrifice beyond the pale. I think you are very special indeed. Good Luck and Bless you, night now.

Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
Cathy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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