How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Cathy Your Own Question

Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Cathy is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Ive been living with my boyfriend for 3-4 yrs now. I was

Customer Question

I've been living with my boyfriend for 3-4 yrs now.
I was married 17 yrs before this and he had been single many years.
We dated 3 months before I moved in and we had a normal sexual relationship.
Since I've moved in he wanted to do things right, Go to church, no intercourse, only playing around, read the Bible, yada yada.
He continued to keep intouch with ex girlfriends, be on affair websites, and looked at porn.
I also found gay websites and articles which he says he never looked at.
I confronted him on these and he said he would stop.
We went to a marriage class and counselling. he was still emailing ex's durring this and even
went to see an ex girlfriend last month with out telling me and proceeded to tell her how he enjoyed the evening and her cleevage. I told him I was moving and all he said was I won't ever do this again. Don't move.
He also has problems speaking to me intimately on paper or verbally.
I feel I have done my part in this situation and am tired of his crap. I think he's gay because it's strange a man after 3 yrs is reluctant to have intercourse till we marry , which
he has yet to make an engagement. He also does not like french kissing. He sits down to pee, likes whitney houston, and his favorite movie is a chick flick. His relationships have never lasted more than 3 months.
He has helped me alot and has been nice. I am presently jobless.
Is it asking too much for verbal intimacy on paper or in person after 3 yrs?
Would you stay in this relationship?
Desperate
Karen
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 2 years ago.

Cathy :

Hi Karen and thanks for writing JA

Cathy :

are you there?

Customer :

Yes, here

Cathy :

nice to see you

Cathy :

how are you holding up tonight?

Customer :

I'm ok.

Cathy :

ok good and I have read your post

Cathy :

before I respond to your question let me ask you this?

Cathy :

do you think you should stay in this relationship?

Customer :

I've wanted to leave many times but have no job presently and am paying childsupport out of my unemployement.

Cathy :

okay so the issue here is not whether you wish to leave or not but rather that you cannot afford to leave

Customer :

He is nice, and has helped me financially. yes, I can't afford to leave now.

Customer :

Do you think my observations are right on him being gay?

Cathy :

okay so what kind of work have you done? are you applying to do? and what part of the country do you live in?

Cathy :

I am not sure what his being gay has to do with you not being able to afford to leave him

Cathy :

but NO, nothing you have posted would scream gay

Cathy :

plenty of straight men adore chick flicks and sit down to pee

Cathy :

and plenty of gay men like action thrillers and guns and roses

Cathy :

aside from which its not a mental illness

Cathy :

and on top of that if it were we do not diagnose from JA

Cathy :

and lastly it has nothing to do with this post

Customer :

Receptionist, clerical, dental assisting. I've applied everywhere! But he does not want normal sex...until marriage which he seems to drag his feet on ..we had normal sex before I moved in.

Cathy :

your problem is that you are not getting along and you cannot leave because he is supporting you

Customer :

True

Customer :

We get along, but I want more and he will not give more.

Cathy :

have you been on unemployment?

Customer :

I want verbal intimacy

Cathy :

You do not like him so that is not the point here

Cathy :

is there a way you can find someone else to support you so you can leave him?

Cathy :

friends? family?

Customer :

I don't want to play around if he can't verbally talk to me intimately

Cathy :

is there someone else who can support you?

Cathy :

a friend perhaps or family until you can get back on your feet?

Customer :

I have no family. I have 1-2 friends I could move in with after I find a job.

Cathy :

okay what about transititional assistance certainly if your unemployment has run out you would be eligible for that by now?

Cathy :

what part of the country do you live in?

Customer :

What is transitional assistance? My unemployement will not run out till june., I live in Texas

Cathy :

okay good

Cathy :

so can you move in with a friend since you have extended unemployment?

Cathy :

you have a check coming in and you do not like this guy so can you live with a friend?

Customer :

I only bring home like 400.00 after child support. That only leaves enough for my car insurance, gas, cell phone, my loan.

Cathy :

I see

Cathy :

so what will you do?

Cathy :

I mean you can stay with him even though you do not like him, I dont think that is fair to either of you

Cathy :

or you have to find a way to move out

Cathy :

you pay child support?

Customer :

Keep job huntting. I just wondered if I was asking too much of this guy by asking him to be verbally intimate in person or on paper. That would make me feel like he wanted me , not just playing around to make his sexual appetite fulfilled.

Cathy :

why is it you do not have custody of your children? did something happen?

Cathy :

You are asking way too much. You dont like him, you think him gay or mentally ill. You do not like this guy, so yes you are asking way too much.

Cathy :

You are dependent upon him financially so you want him to be someone he is not

Cathy :

does not work that way

Cathy :

how is it you do not have custody of your children? where are they?

Customer :

Yes, I pay child support. 310.00 a month. He offered for my daughter to come stay here if she accepts so I wouldn't have to pay. what do u think? When I divorced, a year after I started dating and my daughter did not like it and she moved in with her dad.

Customer :

My daughter graduates in 2013

Cathy :

oh I see and no please do not move your daughter in when you are in a relationship with a guy you do not like

Cathy :

good for her, high school grad? good for her, you must be very proud

Customer :

Thanks

Cathy :

okay I see your only way out is to find a job or find a way to cut expenses so you can move out.

Cathy :

I know in this economy jobs are so so tight

Cathy :

and I hate telling people that walmart always hires third shift, even though they do

Customer :

Then should I keep doing things his way or should I tell him I want to just be friends, sleep in the other room and go where I like and date who I like.

Cathy :

but he is not going to change and neither will you

Cathy :

well its up to you two. If he will continue to support you while you live in the next room I would say that would be more honest than what you are doing now, but I think you are better able to answer that than we are :)

Customer :

yes, I think I've figured out that people don't change, you live with it or with out it or you change yourself.

Cathy :

exactly

Cathy :

so its really one of those, its up to you kind of situations?

Cathy :

get where I am going on this?

Customer :

Yes, I understand. Thanks. It was nice for you to give me advice.

Cathy :

I wish I could be more helpful

Cathy :

and please keep sending out those resumes. I know times are so tough, but dont give up on that.

Cathy :

You take good care of you and I wish you all the best on this. Cathy

Customer :

You have been. Thank you. I'll let you go now. Yes, I send resumes every day!

Cathy :

good luck texas!

Customer :

U Too

Cathy :

night now

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency