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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Hi there, My son (hes 20 and at Uni) has been in a relationship

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Hi there,
My son (he's 20 and at Uni) has been in a relationship for about a year and over the past few months he has been talking to us about a few problems and they have broken up on and off a few times. He had been saying he can't see a future in the relationship but said he was working through things. The girl involved comes from a troubled home - is quite insecure and has little support as her mother left the family when she was 6. She portrays herself very much as a victim and we in return have felt very sorry for her and have been very kind to her. She is also twenty. She is in her second year of nursing but 'hits the wall' often and will sleep for hours and hours.

We are a very close family - we communicate well and are involved with our two children so it has been an eye opener for my son and his sister who is two year younger.
Two weeks ago she told my son she is 5 weeks pregnant. He said she had agreed to terminate the pregnancy. We met with them and agreed this was the best option. My son accepts his involvement but said because she was on the pill - he trusted she was protected.
To cut a very long story short - since then she has changed her mind - especially after going on google and seeing images of unborn children etc. He tried to talk to her but she refused to listen to him and accused us all of trying to 'bully' and 'ambushing her' into 'killing' the child. She says she can't abort because it is against her morals. We accept it is her body - her choice but there has been a lot of anger especially from my husband - who has controlled his anger at my request.

Our son eventually got to talk to her and said their relationship is over but he will support the child. It's been terrible because it's become a circus. He has been accused of 'cheating' on her because he spent a few hours with a mutual friend who is a girl. She was so emotionally upset and out of control of herself that she posted a message on Facebook calling my son a cheat and a liar. She then started txting me and told me I should get help for my son. She made threats to keep him off the birth certificate and told him she will tell the child the father is dead. I managed to calm her down and said it would be best if both of them could not communicate for a while in order to calm the situation down.
We feel sick to the core - he doesn't want to be with the girl, he feels like he's got a gun to his head but has a soft heart and said he will be the best father he can be. However, my question is - how do we move into the future together?

I foresee a bitter young woman. If our son does anything - travel, meet someone, even go out and have fun that she hears about - I think he will be 'punished' for it because of her situation. Her father is supportive with money but hardly so. Emotionally she has no support. Her mother comes to her for support and she and her sister loathe each other. My son is very worried about how she is actually going to cope.

To us she has allowed this to happen - being a student nurse she would have a clear understanding of her body, etc., but we will move past that for the sake of the child. I am just very, very apprehensive that if she doesn't get him to do what she hopes he will do - that is 'play happy families' with her - she is going to make him suffer.

Sorry this is a tad garbled but I guess it's finding the right path ahead that is concerning me. I am very giving and loving but I also won't take too much abuse and emotional blackmail and feel there should be some things we need to agree on in order to move forward. My husband and I are meeting with her father tomorrow to talk about it - I am nervous but feel it will be good to talk to him.
Thank you.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

Wow this really is an emotional situation. It is her body and in the end it is her decision on whether to terminate the pregnancy. I know that they are young but you have to pull back just a little. The meeting is a good idea because that would give her support during this time. She seems very immature and vindictive but it is too late to consider that now. He can be a father without being a boyfriend. Stress that to him. He should not go back to the relationship just because of the baby but because he wants to. If that is the case then you have to respect his decision. If not then it would be best to consider contacting a lawyer for visitation and all other matters. This way her emotions cannot rule the situation. Structure this with decisions coming from the meeting. You should support her emotionally since this child will need that. Make firm boundaries so that she doesn't contact you with frivolous concerns as in the past. You can be with the child without feeding into this. Meet with your son about what he needs from you too. Focus on his side of being a good father


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