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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hi; I have been seeing this guy onand off for over a year.

Resolved Question:

Hi; I have been seeing this guy onand off for over a year. He's had a hard time with heartbreak when we first met, then lost his dog, then lost his mother spring of this year. I have always been there for him. We began 'swinging' recently. He always has been a very emotional/difficult person. I believe he has an alcohol problem as well; which he only admits when he's very drunk on occasion. He claims depression as well but when he sobers up the next day he is fine and refuses any counseling/treatment. He always instigates arguments. This past weekend he gave me his mother's wedding band to wear. Tonight it's like a flip switched and he's mad at me for not being worthy in the relationship to sum it all up. He wants his cash card back (which I rarely and sparingly use), his ring back, etc. He said he's done wasting his time. I believe he's drunk. I don't know what to do. He called me awful names..again...but this time it's even more harsh. He said to drop off his stuff tomorrow. I was furious/hurt so I left him a message saying I'll drop it off tonight. Of course all this communication is via text unfortunately because he will not answer the phone. I stop responding at that point. He texts back saying, 'don't drop it off tonight cause none of your s**t is outside'. Then about 15 minutes later he texts 'don't even think about coming over here. Pick up your stuff tomorrow or Sunday.' I do not respond because yes, I want to be with him but I am frightened of saying the wrong things. Sorry this is so long, but I really need advice now please, I am hurting and don't know what to do. Yes, I love him and want to be with him.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 5 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

If you could see yourself now, from the past looking down on your present life, or if you could see yourself as someone else in a movie you were watching, you would be cheering and rooting for the woman in the movie to get her stuff, take it away in one shot with a vehicle large enough to haul whatever she had to get, get in, and drive away without turning back. The theater-goers would give out a cheer.

You are hurting now, because you are beginning to enter the first stage of grief. Keep on grieving, and after awhile you will mark the day you decided to leave for good as the positive turning point in your life.

This man has some kind of personality disorder, possibly borderline personality disorder. He will not seek treatment, and even if he did, it wouldn't last and wouldn't change him (with some RARE exceptions).

It is better that you suffer the grief of "losing" him now then suffer continued misery and degradation until it begins to affect your own well-being and mental health. In the end, you will still lose him.

Do not use drugs or alcohol (if you are even a user) to self-medicate. If you need some help, go and find an empathetic counselor in an area, one that you interview first and fine intelligent and understanding. Don't settle for less. You need support and you need to quit this man. He will always treat you this way.

You may not want to hear this, and you may think that you can fix it, or may look for someone who wants to help you get back with him. He cannot have a working relationship. He will always turn to anger and sabotage relationships with you or anyone else. He may suddenly not want to feel abandoned and then will act differently for a short while, but he will return to the way he was, over and over again.

You cannot help him and cannot change him. You can only change yourself, and that means understanding how he is and getting out of his life.

I wish you the strength and wisdom to see the truth and act in your own best interest, which is to let this relationship die and be finished.

Please understand that this is the best course for you.

God bless you.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
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