How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Elliott, LPCC, NCC Your Own Question

Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Elliott, LPCC, NCC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi; I have been seeing this guy onand off for over a year.

Resolved Question:

Hi; I have been seeing this guy onand off for over a year. He's had a hard time with heartbreak when we first met, then lost his dog, then lost his mother spring of this year. I have always been there for him. We began 'swinging' recently. He always has been a very emotional/difficult person. I believe he has an alcohol problem as well; which he only admits when he's very drunk on occasion. He claims depression as well but when he sobers up the next day he is fine and refuses any counseling/treatment. He always instigates arguments. This past weekend he gave me his mother's wedding band to wear. Tonight it's like a flip switched and he's mad at me for not being worthy in the relationship to sum it all up. He wants his cash card back (which I rarely and sparingly use), his ring back, etc. He said he's done wasting his time. I believe he's drunk. I don't know what to do. He called me awful names..again...but this time it's even more harsh. He said to drop off his stuff tomorrow. I was furious/hurt so I left him a message saying I'll drop it off tonight. Of course all this communication is via text unfortunately because he will not answer the phone. I stop responding at that point. He texts back saying, 'don't drop it off tonight cause none of your s**t is outside'. Then about 15 minutes later he texts 'don't even think about coming over here. Pick up your stuff tomorrow or Sunday.' I do not respond because yes, I want to be with him but I am frightened of saying the wrong things. Sorry this is so long, but I really need advice now please, I am hurting and don't know what to do. Yes, I love him and want to be with him.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

If you could see yourself now, from the past looking down on your present life, or if you could see yourself as someone else in a movie you were watching, you would be cheering and rooting for the woman in the movie to get her stuff, take it away in one shot with a vehicle large enough to haul whatever she had to get, get in, and drive away without turning back. The theater-goers would give out a cheer.

You are hurting now, because you are beginning to enter the first stage of grief. Keep on grieving, and after awhile you will mark the day you decided to leave for good as the positive turning point in your life.

This man has some kind of personality disorder, possibly borderline personality disorder. He will not seek treatment, and even if he did, it wouldn't last and wouldn't change him (with some RARE exceptions).

It is better that you suffer the grief of "losing" him now then suffer continued misery and degradation until it begins to affect your own well-being and mental health. In the end, you will still lose him.

Do not use drugs or alcohol (if you are even a user) to self-medicate. If you need some help, go and find an empathetic counselor in an area, one that you interview first and fine intelligent and understanding. Don't settle for less. You need support and you need to quit this man. He will always treat you this way.

You may not want to hear this, and you may think that you can fix it, or may look for someone who wants to help you get back with him. He cannot have a working relationship. He will always turn to anger and sabotage relationships with you or anyone else. He may suddenly not want to feel abandoned and then will act differently for a short while, but he will return to the way he was, over and over again.

You cannot help him and cannot change him. You can only change yourself, and that means understanding how he is and getting out of his life.

I wish you the strength and wisdom to see the truth and act in your own best interest, which is to let this relationship die and be finished.

Please understand that this is the best course for you.

God bless you.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency