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AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience:  Dr. W. D. Nicholas is a relationship expert & can help families or organizations become more effective.
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why would a parent side btwn her kids

Resolved Question:

Why would a parent side btwn her adult kids if they had a fight and r not speaking to each other  wouldnt that aileinate them more ? if you need more details let me know

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  AgapeDoc replied 2 years ago.

AgapeDoc :

Thanks for posting this question.

AgapeDoc :

I think I can help you here.

AgapeDoc :

It's my intention to answer your question and exceed your expectations. If you are satisfied with my efforts, will you click on the green accept button?

AgapeDoc :

OK...... I can see you are off line. Let me see if I can answer your question with what you have posted so far.

AgapeDoc :

You are correct in the comments you posted. It isn't logical for a parent to side with one of her kids over the other - that will alienate that child more.

AgapeDoc :

However, it seems even though this doesn't make sense, it has happened in this case otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question......

AgapeDoc :

Well... let me assure you that even though it doesn't make sense, it does happen very often. I have worked with many families over the years and I can assure you that this is more common than it should be.

AgapeDoc :

I have found a few reasons this happens....

AgapeDoc :

In some cases the parent simply gets caught up in the "drama". That is to say that they aren't thinking logically but are themselves driven by the emotion of the situation. So, when confronted on why they would make such an illogical decision, they simply can not respond except with an emotional reason.

AgapeDoc :

Other times, a parent makes this decision based on the idea that they can somehow resolve the disagreement by siding with the weaker of the two siblings. That is to say, ironically, that they want to make the sides more even and (in their mind) this will help everyone get along better.

AgapeDoc :

How am I doing so far?

Customer:

I dont really understand

Customer:

here is the thing,in my mothers eye im the weaker sybling

AgapeDoc :

Or, as I stated has been my experience, mom just is making a decision based on emotion, rather than logic.

Customer:

Im the one although that i always work and live on my own and being a single parent i have had struggles and at times she has helped

AgapeDoc :

And, it may seem to you that mom thinks you are the weaker sibling, but that may or may not really be the case.

AgapeDoc :

Weaker could mean financially, emotionally, or something else.

AgapeDoc :

Again, it's important to remember that this happens - no, it's not logical and it does lead to more problems, but it does happen.

AgapeDoc :

Other than that, I'm not sure what answer anyone could provide (accept for your mom). Your assumptions are correct, but like many things in life - what is common sense is not common practice.

Customer:

financially weaker I guess,my sister who is single and lives home (which doesnt have adult financial obligations other than help with a few utilites for her

Customer:

is not considered as help. botXXXXX XXXXXne at this point my 2 syblings and mother have stayed away

Customer:

they are not speaking to me and im not as well i feel very hurt and angry and they are considered a we when my mom speaks to me

Customer:

Im considered by them all as the irresponsible one

Customer:

my sister which had nothing to do with this problem instigated and got upset w me that i had said harsh things to her

AgapeDoc :

Well the fact that they live together could explain more. Maybe mom sees it as her house against your house or that it would be more difficult to go against someone who lives in her house. I am sure this is very hurtful to you. The answer may be to make amends - not easy to do I know. But in all the cases I have worked with, that has been the only thing that brings peace. If you are satisfied with my efforts, please don't forget to click on the green accept button

AgapeDoc :

I wish you much happiness.

Customer:

mom and sis live together brother is married

Customer:

I gather from your name you are greek

Customer:

so you know about close greek families

AgapeDoc :

No two cases are alike, but I have seem many, many cases where once a couple of people side with a particular family member it becomes easier for others to side with them - it just seems safer (on an unconscious level) Part Greek :)

Customer:

thats what makes this situation not normal

AgapeDoc :

Yes, I am so familiar with the dynamics you are dealing with. And now that I gather you are Greek, it is more clear to me that someone must make amends, or this will drag on for a long time :(

Customer:

this time i cant bring myself to easily forgive

AgapeDoc :

Well, yes Greek families are very close..... but..... when there is a dispute the closeness makes it ever harder to resolve.

Customer:

so your saying i should be the one to make amends

Customer:

itsnot about ego trip at this point

AgapeDoc :

Forgiveness is never easy. The good news is it is a process. If you are going to be the big person to step up and start the process, you can explain that while you haven't completely forgiven those that hurt you, you are starting to work on it. Humbly ask those in your family to help you in this process and ask forgiveness of those you have hurt, even if (in your eyes) it was a small hurt.

Customer:

its about knowing how they feel about me through their actions

Customer:

I always give in

Customer:

they always feel they are right

Customer:

and by me being the bigger person they take it as the were right

AgapeDoc :

I'm not saying that you should be the only one to forgive. I'm saying (and I didn't make this up, all the great religions and philosophers have already said it) that forgiveness is the only way out of the situation. It's not about giving in.......

AgapeDoc :

You can't help it if they feel they are right.

Customer:

my feelings are not real to them

AgapeDoc :

As I said, forgiveness is not about giving in - giving in seems like "excusing" their behavior. Forgiveness is not about excusing - it's about forgiving even though you were hurt.

AgapeDoc :

As part of the forgiveness process, you can assertively and politely (in love) tell them that you want them to know that your feelings are very real. AND YOU REALIZE THAT THEIR FEELINGS ARE REAL ALSO. So, "can we agree to respect each other's feelings in the future please?"

Customer:

give you an ie of what my mom says i have my own business now and i work 7 days a week 13 hrs a day so i also have employees and when she sees me sitting she calls me a princess

Customer:

everything i do bothers her

AgapeDoc :

I am thinking of a great quote.....Withholding forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting your adversary to die.

Customer:

havent had a vacation in 6 yrs or a day off in 2 yrs

Customer:

im under alot of stress and i have a teenage son

Customer:

that i have to deal with everyday

AgapeDoc :

There could be many reasons for this. If you were in my office, I could counsel you more, but in this online forum I would only suggest that what you are saying about her being bothered by "everything you do" somehow bothers you. And if you were in my office, I would say that I can only work on you - so I would try and help you not be bothered by "how you mom is bothered" if you follow me.

AgapeDoc :

You need a vacation.

Customer:

vacation away from my problems

AgapeDoc :

No, seriously.... don't you have employees who could take care of your business for at least a few days?

Customer:

are you kidding my mother has an attack if i step out for a few hrs

Customer:

she says u wanted a business

Customer:

your one of those people that can only deal w one thing at atime

Customer:

no emotional support

Customer:

and i dont complain she just cant understand why im stressed

Customer:

like i said im not allowed to have feelings

Customer:

they can all say and do things that r hurtful and im not suppose to react

AgapeDoc :

OK.... Here is what I suggest..... you need to seek out a life coach. I don't think you need therapy in the traditional sense, but maybe you could find a life coach that is trained in family therapy. Your original question was about a parent siding with a sibling, then it evolved into other siblings, then a mention of a teenager, then a business, then that you haven't had a vacation or a day off. I would be misleading you to suggest that I (or anyone) could resolve the issues that have evolved as this conversation developed. As you said, you are under a lot of stress - I think a life coach could help you discover ways to manage your time, your stress, and other issues in a way that you will be satisfied with.

AgapeDoc :

You definitely have skills - you just need an advocate on your side to help you sort things - clearly you don't have the support of you family, etc. No one could do all you are doing without support. I don't know how you have done it for as long as you have.

AgapeDoc :

Anyway, I hope I answered your original question and gave you some additional help as well. I wish you peace, success, and happiness as you continue to manage all the things that you are dealing with.

Customer:

thak you for ur help.I gave u additional information to have better insight to my question, and i know the load that im carrying would not be such a issue if i did have emotional support which is why i can not understand my family's rightous behavior.Thanks again i will consider the advice

AgapeDoc, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience: Dr. W. D. Nicholas is a relationship expert & can help families or organizations become more effective.
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