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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Im wife and I are both 42 years old, and weve been married

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I'm wife and I are both 42 years old, and we've been married 17 years with two awesome daughters. Lately however, I don't feel as if my wife is attracted to me. Sure she says she loves me, but she never initiates affection, whether it be a spontaneous hug, kiss, or compliment about how I look...something I do for her all the time. My physique hasn't changed since college, I'm fit, have all my hair, no gut, and do tons around the house, cook all meals, all the food shopping, all outside chores, vacuum and more. I hate to say it, but when I see other couples, I really think I'm quite the catch, and yet, not a whole lot of acknowledgement from my wife. As for sex, she never initiates it, and if lucky, we fool around maybe 8 times a year, and I can't believe I'm writing this, but when we do, it's not intercourse, she takes care of herself while I take care of myself. I love her dearly, but kind of getting tired of being the one trying to keep the romance alive...and when I do try to do something romantic, like later this month I told her I booked us a room in the city for just the two of us to go to dinner and shop, she's like, eh we'll see how our schedules are when we get to that week...whether we'll keep the reservation or not. Not sure if you can help, but I feel the need to express my feelings to someone...even in an anonymous way.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

I am so sorry for your situation. From what you say you are doing everything right. Your wife's behavior indicates that she may be suffering from depression, because she does not seem to have joy, spontaneity, interest or any great concern for sharing pleasure with you. She is not showing appreciation, and is hardly being civil.

It may be possible that she has another person in her life, and that other person could be a man or a woman. She does not act like she is in love with you, but she still likes sex; she just leaves you out of the picture as her lover, even when you are together.

She may even believe that you have cheated on her, because of hearing some rumor, and this troubles her constantly. I can't think of another scenario.

Whether it is depression or another person, she is not giving you the love and affection necessary to maintain your romance, and doesn't seem to be willing to put out any effort.

The best you can do is to approach her and tell her that you feel that the relationship is in trouble and that you want to try to make it work. You can ask her if she is depressed or dissatisfied with you, or with life; you can ask her if there is someone else. If her response is very defensive then there might be someone else.

If she wants to make things better, then it is urgent for both of you to see a marriage and family counselor, for your relationship is heading for the rocks, and is not a very functional one on the romantic side.

If you do nothing, nothing will change. If you want to turn it around, and if she does as well, then you can. It takes two who are willing. I hope that this spurs you to action and that you can open the lines of communication between you two.

I wish you strength, courage and perseverance.

Warm regards,
Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks Elliott, but I'm certain it's not another person, I think she is so stressed by her job (teacher) and being a mom...I'm stressed too, but for some reason I'm able to shut this off and try and be happy around her, but she can't seem to do that. Sorry, but I don't think this was worth $40, but will accept a lesser payment of $20 for your troubles...is there a way to do that with this site?

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